Attachment theory applied to God

Jul 16, 2018 | Attachment

attachment father daughterIt hit me like a bolt of lightning as I was preparing a workshop that I presented at a national children’s spirituality summit last month. (My topic was spiritual learning styles and how a child most naturally connects with God.) God is a primary caregiver and attachment theory applies to a human being’s relationship with God, not only to our human relationships.

Others have the same perspective.

For example, Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, discovered:

“Of course I can have a true attachment relationship with God even though God cannot be seen. My sister, after all, had been unseen by me for more than a year now, yet I still had a relationship with her that met the attachment criteria…. I continue to keep her close (proximity) with photos and other objects, and by talking to her. And our love continues to strengthen me (secure love) and comfort me in times of stress (safe haven). My love for Jane and hers for me survives her death, as does our attachment relationship.”

attachment university studentWe are born to connect.

Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester, writes: “Attachment theory always captivates students. When I lecture about attachment theory, even the most distracted student soon starts to pay attention.”

In my experience, if the subject of a relationship with God has come up in conversations I’ve had, everyone has admitted, “If it were possible, I would want to know God personally.” Kids are no different. Most of us want to feel attached to God.

How can I help a child strengthen his or her attachment bond with God?

All of these previous blog posts give a description of different styles children use while bonding to God, with practical ideas and conversation starters. This is so valuable to a child’s continued growth in faith.

“Attachment theory’s observations are at once wise, astute, and intensely personal–it’s hard to listen to an account of attachment theory without thinking, “Yes, that’s it!”  (Professor Harry Reis)

Tweetable: Is your child asking about God or interested in knowing about God? Or maybe your kids resist going to religious services? Be sure you know the child’s natural way to connect with God. It’s almost certainly not the same as yours. Click to Tweet 

To kids you mirror a higher power: scary or exciting?

Mar 28, 2016 | Attachment

Like it or not, a child’s caregivers mirror God’s character in the child’s eyes. No doubt you’ve been part of conversations like this:

My 3-year-old  asked me something–I’ve forgotten the exact question–but it was something I didn’t know the answer to. So I told him, ‘Hunter, I don’t know the answer to that question.’

As if he hadn’t heard me, he asked the same question again. Again I said, ‘I told you already; Daddy doesn’t know the answer to that question.’

‘Yes you do, Daddy,’ he said with confidence, ‘you know everything! Now tell me the answer!’

Obviously it sorts itself out  and children grow to grasp the reality that my parents are only human.

Yet a spiritual component remains in effect.

father comforts daughterThe way caregivers express their values and emotions “wires” the child’s brain for the way children will perceive their higher power.

As a father held his crying little daughter in his arms, one of his statements to her was, “God knows we are sad when we lose something we like, but he promises to hold us just like I’m holding you right now.”

A mother of two explains how she understands the mirror image.

Let’s say Sally is crying because she has scraped her knee.  An empathetic parent would come to her aid asking how she is doing rather than curtly telling her to stop crying like a baby.  This child feels understood and connected, and the universe makes sense to her.

Author Curt Thompson states, “This mindful approach to the emotional state of a child literally prepares a template at a neurological level that enables the child to grow into an awareness of a God who also cares about his or her joys, hurts, fears and mistakes.”

The child ultimately is able to envision God as responsible and trustworthy and that the world is safe, despite the apparent contradictions.

When you consider this idea, do you feel increased frustration or increased hope?

Tweetable: The way caregivers express their values and emotions “wires” the child’s brain for the way children will perceive God. Click to Tweet