Jun 16, 2016 | Direction
We’re at the midway point of the C.H.O.O.S.E tool, which builds willpower and gives children a sound decision-making process they can carry throughout their lifetime.
Deciding what to do–one choice to TRY
This is the point at which the child settles on one good option to TRY in the situation.
After working through the previous steps of the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool, the only options on the child’s list are the wise ones. Sometimes the best option emerges very quickly, and other times it takes a while and the child may have to try a few different options before one works.
At times, children may not want to try any of their options. Why not?
- Fear of failure
- Need for approval from parents or others (e.g. people-pleasing)
- Disconnection from their source of guidance
For example, if you believe they are afraid to fail, see if they want to revisit the brainstorming process until the child convinces himself he does indeed have enough information to make a choice.
Maybe the child can’t decide because she wants to choose an option she thinks will not please you. You can assure her you see her point of view and you are supportive of her choice no matter what the outcome.
Remember, the list contains only positive choices in the sense that unsafe choices or those with consequences that can’t be undone have already been deleted. Furthermore, you will be there to help the kids identify what they are learning from the choice and what they might want to do differently next time. This builds willpower.
Getting it right is not the point.
Rather, by taking time with the child to carefully think about each possibility, children can be increasingly confident of making the best choice they can–and move on.
The goal is the child’s growth in the ability to make a good choice based on careful evaluation of all the options.
Tweetable:
- When a child is confused about making an important choice, take a closer look at these 3 hindrances. Click to Tweet
- Here’s some practical guidance when a child procrastinates in making a decision. Click to Tweet
Jun 6, 2016 | Direction
3rd in a series about a valuable, simple tool for teaching kids decision-making. The tool is C.H.O.O.S.E. and today’s big idea is to know and follow moral principles. A kid’s morals become their treasure chest of wisdom and guidance.
A child’s treasure chest
A child’s treasures can include their most special toys, a ribbon or trophy won at a swim meet, photos of the most special people and times in their lives. Many of a child’s treasures wouldn’t bring very much money if sold, but they bring something much more valuable: reminders of the best parts of the child’s life. A child’s morals are treasures of great value.
Conversation Starter: A camping story for kids
Imagine you are in the woods camping with your family, having a great time. In fact, you are having so much fun you don’t realize you are wandering deeper and deeper into the woods. Suddenly, it’s dark and you realize you’re lost! Now it’s very dark and you can’t see anything! How do you feel? (scared, alone) After awhile, you look up and see a light coming toward you. You hear your dad calling your name! You go toward the light until you meet your parents, and all of you follow the path back to camp. Now how do you feel? (relieved, safe) You were safe because the light showed you where to go in the darkness!
Four ethical questions can be like a light to children when they’re making a decision:
- Will it hurt me or someone else? If your brainstorming list of options includes ones that will hurt you, cross them off. Same with an option to hurt someone else—hitting, telling lies about them, stealing their things. You can find other ways to deal with your decision.
- Is there something beyond my control? That’s a real important question, because many times the choice we want to make is not within our power. For example, if your parents are getting a divorce, your first choice would probably be to have them get back together. But that is a choice your parents must make and is completely beyond your control. As hard as it may be, you need to cross it off your list of choices.
- How does it feel inside? If a choice feels wrong, cross it off your list. Be careful, though. Some choices may feel uncomfortable, but deep down inside we know they are wise—like choosing to tell the truth instead of covering up with lie. That’s different from feeling uncomfortable because we know it’s wrong—like letting your friend talk you into shoplifting, or letting someone touch you in ways you don’t want to be touched.
- Who can help me choose? Keep a list of people you can talk to whenever you feel confused or just don’t know what to do. (Some kids may include prayer or religious teachings sources of help.)
(Linda Sibley designed the CHOOSE tool and she is excited I’m sharing it here.)
Tweetable:
- A child’s morals are treasures of great value, especially when used to make decisions. Read more. Click to Tweet
- 4 moral questions kids can use when making a difficult choice. Read more. Click to Tweet
May 31, 2016 | Direction
When’s the last time you heard a child say: I had to do that. I didn’t have any choice! or She made me do it! or I’m bored… there’s nothing to do. or It wasn’t my fault… he started it! Sometimes kids find themselves in situations in which they think they just don’t have any choices.
It might not seem so at first, but kids always have choices.
That’s what step 2 in the CHOOSE tool is all about
Teach kids two important truths:
- There are always lots of choices for us.
- We may have to look hard to find them, especially when we can’t have our first choice.
Conversation starter — Try this example:
On Saturday morning, Gina’s mom told her she had to clean her room—right now, and no excuses! Gina was just getting ready to go outside to ride her bike. But now she has to clean her room. She doesn’t have any choice….right?
It’s true—Gina doesn’t have a choice about whether or not to clean her room. Mom was clear about that. But she still has choices. In fact, what Gina chooses to do next is very important. First ask: What are some of Gina’s choices? Let the child struggle to multiply options (and here are some possible responses you can drop in to help kickstart their thinking):
- She can mess around and try to avoid cleaning her room.
- She can try to sneak out of the house and ride her bike anyway.
- She can “Claim her problem” and get it done as quickly as possible so she can get on with what she really wants to do.
- What other choices can you think of? (after children exhaust their lists—help them add 2 more!)
- Can you see how the choice Gina makes will either help her or make things harder? (i.e. what are the consequences?)
Finding all our choices takes practice.
Most children (and adults) give up too soon, thinking we just don’t have any options, or we do the first thing that comes into our mind.
Brainstorming leads to empowerment.
It gives children the tools they need to protect themselves from being victimized or acting impulsively, especially in those situations in which we are not available to guide or protect them.
Growing up knowing, “I always, always have choices” is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children!
Tweetable: Many children give up too soon when brainstorming choices in any given situation. This could help. Click to Tweet
May 23, 2016 | Direction
C.H.O.O.S.E is the acrostic for a teaching tool we can use when equipping children to make wise choices. I learned it from my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy I’m sharing it through these posts.
- C = Claim the problem
- H = How many choices do I have?
- O = Own and use your moral compass
- O = One choice to try
- S = See it through
- E = Evaluate the results
Claim the Problem — Two important words to remember
- Claim the PROBLEM tells us life is full of problems we solve by deciding what to do about them. Some problems are easy and some are hard, but problems are just a part of life. Everyone has them.
- CLAIM the problem tells us the place to start is to face up to whatever problems come our way. Sometimes we don’t want to face something, so we pretend it is not there. We hope if we ignore it, it will just go away. Unfortunately, problems don’t “just go away” by themselves. Facing up to them (claiming) is the first step to resolving them.
Sounds easy, but some problems are harder to claim than others and we might feel afraid of them, like
- getting in trouble with mom or dad or your teacher
- losing a friend
- looking dumb in front of other people
It’s okay to be afraid when we have to claim a difficult problem. It’s not okay to make an unwise choice just because we’re scared. It’s okay to be scared to tell dad that you were the one who broke the window—who wouldn’t be scared to do that? But choosing to lie about it or blame someone else is not claiming your problem.
So what can a kid do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared?
You can remember that claiming your problem is always better than running away from it. And don’t forget to ask for help if you need it!
Conversation starters:
How do I know when I should ask for help with a problem I am facing? (when you feel scared, confused, or just want to talk)- Who can I ask for help? (Be sure every child has a list of at least 5 sources of help. Their lists could include, friends, relatives, counselors, teachers, coaches, clergy, etc.)
- Write a list:
- …Older children may have a personal device on which they have a “List” category. Guide them in entering names and phone numbers of those on their personal Helpers List.
- …Younger children will need help writing out names and numbers and deciding on a safe place to keep their list. The list for children who can’t read will be actual photos of trusted adults they can turn to for help.
- Keep a family Gratitude Journal in which you record instances when the family received help (including possibly God’s) when they faced a hard problem.
Tweetable: So what’s a kid to do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared? Some ideas here. Click to Tweet
Jan 11, 2016 | Nourishment
If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you know the spiritual development of a child begins and ends with the choices of the child. We cannot (and should not try to) force a child into a particular belief or spiritual practice.
Yet we can walk beside them to provide support their their journey of discovery. They want trusted adults to act as sounding boards and coaches as they work out their spiritual questions and ideas.
Specifically, what is the adult’s role?
In this next series of blog entries, you can browse 8 different components or categories within human spirituality and select ways to engage with the important children in your life.We will look at one each week for the next eight weeks.
8 Components of Spirituality
- Personal transformation
- Authentic relationships
- Generous living
- Spiritual responsiveness
- Sacrificial service
- Guiding others
- Community transformation
- Experiencing God
For each of these general areas we’ll provide lists, specific examples, and ideas you can take and use to strengthen the child’s human spirit. You decide which are best for you.
Cull our lists.
Recognize you may need to adapt certain items to fit well with your spiritual tradition or beliefs. For example, if sacred writings are mentioned, which ones do you mean? Or if showing hospitality or caring for the earth aren’t values or important parts of your tradition, are there other values you substitute for them?
Above all, remember never to force.
The adult’s role is to model, initiate conversations, and provide resources and opportunities. The adult’s role is not force or indoctrination.
Take your time.
Spiritual development takes a lifetime and cannot be crammed. Be careful not to push kids where they’re not ready. A checklist of ideas is not something you can go through in a month or a year.
Chart your path forward.
Focus more mindfully on spiritual development now and your decisions can improve the child’s future.
Tweetable: New series directs adults to the priority moral values a child needs for spiritual proficiency. Click to Tweet
