Feb 19, 2018 | trust
When I was about 11, I went to my mother in tears about my fear of dying. And my fear of my dad or mom dying. Her conversation on that warm summer afternoon stays with me to this day.
Indestructible until my work is finished
My mother’s sacred text of choice was the Bible. The wisdom flowing from that book informed her comforting words to me about dying. “God gives purpose to every life. When you read a book there’s a plot carried through the entire story. Your life has a plot that you and God are writing. You are indestructible until the story of your life is finished. Until that time, you are safe and secure.”
She continued, “When your work here on earth is done, the ending of this chapter of the book gets written. God calls you to come and live with him in the place where there’s no more sadness, pain or tears. It’s the same for your dad and me–and everyone who has made their peace with God.
Make peace with God
We choose what we believe about God. Why not choose to trust that we are writing our life’s plot line with Someone–God? That God knows each of us by name and provides the way and the truth for making peace with God? If you have questions about making your peace with God or just want a listening ear, leave a comment for me in the box below and I will reply.
Stop and pay attention
As an adult my understanding of my mom’s words grows. I look at life, as Frederick Buechner wrote, as “not just incident following incident without any particular direction or purpose, but things are happening in order to take you somewhere.” I’m gaining a way of living an abundant life in addition to receiving a rather fearless perspective on dying. This is what I share with the children in my life.
Tweetable: Is your child afraid of dying? Or afraid that you are going to die soon? Here’s one mother’s words that brought comfort to her daughter at the time, and continue into adulthood. Click to Tweet.
Feb 12, 2018 | Direction
Today’s challenge is prompted by a reader’s feedback about my new book, Child-Centered Spirituality. He wrote, “While I was reading some of the pointers, affirmations and discussion questions for parents to use with their kids – I was struck by the fact that I really needed to ask forgiveness from a friend I had recently said some harsh things to. A passage in the book poked me in the eye. I did the deed of contrition – and got an instant reply of thanks and ‘reconciliation.’ All those questions we should be posing to children, we should be posing to ourselves too. So your book operated on another level for me – Thank you!”
Questions as a gateway into our own spiritual life
What questions does he mean? Questions that make kids think. Those uncovering our need for a searching and fearless moral inventory–questions that poke in the eye. Discovery questions for kids who know there’s a better way. Those leading to reflection. Regular self-reflection can become a key to talk more openly and naturally with the children in your life.
Start by journaling your responses to these questions, suggested by Larissa Marks
- In a few words or phrases, describe how you are presently doing.
- How have you experienced the divine lately?
- What has been life-giving? What has been life-draining?
- What things are presently occupying your mind and heart?
Then by all means, engage some people you trust in conversation around these matters. It can be a spiritual director, a trusted friend, or someone whose spiritual journey you respect. Being able to talk with others is critical. Engaging with others in a safe environment can be a surprisingly healing experience. After all, none of us is really in this alone. We all need others along the road with us as we travel.
Tweetable: Once in a while, sprinkle thought questions into your car conversations with kids. Questions about the bigger meaning of life or its big picture. Click to Tweet
Jan 22, 2018 | Nourishment
“Sacrifice focuses on a goal. Deprivation focuses on poor me. Sacrifice lifts my head and lets me see the big picture. Deprivation turns my eyes inward so I see nothing but myself.” (Mary Hunt)
A reader in our blog community passed these thoughts along with a note: “If only this wisdom could be given to kids.”
Yes, but– for starters, sacrifice is giving up something valuable to me.
Human beings don’t do this easily.
For another thing, sacrifice costs me something.
Money, time, what I want when I want it. If it doesn’t cost us, how can it be a sacrifice? But isn’t there a reward in sacrifice?
The reward is perhaps the best way to introduce children to the concept of sacrifice.
I’ve taken kids to a shelter for women and children where they saw who was receiving their donations of clothing and toys… and these donations were not entirely their castoffs, but items we had chosen and purchased. The children had a lot to say on the way home as they processed their experience. Their spirits lifted when they saw that they had done something good. Maybe a little serotonin dropping into their circulatory system helps? I want them to know the good feeling they get after making the choice to bless someone else. Some children will decide they want to feel it again– and that it’s worth the sacrificed involved. My goal was to show them that sacrifice can produce a good feeling equal to the feeling they get when their own wishes have come true.
Show them the greater good.
Whatever children give up is generally only temporary. They will get more of it–sometimes sooner, sometimes later. To focus on the negative – the act of depriving oneself – doesn’t work well in almost any avenue of life. Better to pivot toward the positive – the achievement of something far more worthy than whatever valuable possession or enjoyment they gave up.
Tweetable: When a child sacrifices something valuable to him, in order to make life better for someone else, we can point out the rewards. Here are some ways to do that. Click to Tweet
Jan 8, 2018 | trust
My rewards for almost ten years spent as an anger management instructor: I unlearned some destructive habits and learned new, healthier ways to express my own anger. All of this was taking place while I was teaching others about their anger! Funny how that works. The same thing is true as we teach and guide the children in our lives: sometimes we learn as much as they do.
An idea that changed my whole outlook
One particular insight, found in The Anger Workbook, catalyzed my paradigm shift:
My most important lesson — Anger is the emotion of self-preservation, given to us by God.
As a child I thought my parents were teaching me to get rid of anger, so I grew up suppressing it: “Who me? Angry?” So it was hard to accept that anger might serve an important purpose. Much later in life, through the testimonials of my adult students, I saw that they got angry most often when they were ignored or mistreated. It was part of their defense system.
Doing some self-reflection, I owned the fact that I hated when my personal boundaries were violated. Slowly I admitted that anger could be a way to preserve my personal worth, basic needs and basic beliefs.
Anger is designed to protect me!
As I began to own more and more of my angry feelings whenever I felt demeaned or disrespected, I was on my way to greater emotional health. Now I can honestly say:
- When my personal worth is not validated, I feel angry.
- If I make known my needs and they are ignored, I feel hurt.
- At times when I take an unwavering stand for my convictions (sometimes publicly, sometimes just in my most cherished relationships) and I speak up about them and I am misunderstood, I feel resentful.
It’s all about what I do next after my anger flares up.
I’m still learning that it’s my choice how I will react to my anger. Will I do a passive-aggressive maneuver as I have in the past? Will I take the easy way and suppress it?
Or maybe I will talk about what’s bothering me, but do it considering the needs and feelings of the other person. I was shocked to find that this approach actually helps my relationships grow.
Tweetable: Anger is the emotion of self-preservation but it matters–a lot–what we do next after it flares up. Click to Tweet
My new book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality, is now available on Amazon!
Where did Grandma go when she died?
Why doesn’t God stop bad things from happening?
Many parents have experienced a child asking difficult spiritual questions– usually at inopportune moments. While we stumble around trying to think of an answer, we feel inadequate… and sometimes startled by their questions. If you’re like most adults, you try your hardest to avoid thinking much about questions like these. So why on earth is a child asking you about them?
We talk with our children about the importance of school work, about physical health, about how to navigate social difficulties. We even talk with them about sex, drugs, and internet safety… or if we don’t, we know we should.
So why do we find it so difficult to talk with children about God?
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, foster parent, or other caregiver, this is a book to help you engage with the children in your life about their spiritual needs.
Purchase your copy in paperback here.
If you prefer the Kindle version, you can purchase it here.
Oct 23, 2017 | trust
“Perhaps the most valuable explorations come when children learn that each person is created in the image of God, deserving respect and caring. When children know that they are created in God’s image, their own self-worth is bolstered, and it is safer, and easier, to ask questions about God and the rest of their world,” observed Maxine Handelman. This morning I was reading Handelman’s book, Jewish Every Day, where I found an idea to share.
Making it fun to discover God’s secrets
Have children collect leaves that, at first glance, seem to be exactly alike. As children examine the leaves they will discover that, indeed, no two leaves are identical. Then show children a sheet of postage stamps or a stack of paper plates. The children will discover that these person-made things are all identical.
They have just discovered one of God’s secrets. When people make things using machines, the objects all come out the same. When God makes things in nature, no two things are the same. The question then becomes, “Why did God do that?”
Making it comfortable to talk about God
The easiest–and also the hardest–way to help children explore their questions about God is to make “God-talk” a regular, normal part of our conversation. When [family members] refer to God in a comfortable, regular manner, then children will know it is safe for them to talk about God and safe for them to explore their own understandings of God.
“God may come into the home whether or not a family consciously invites God in,” Marvel Ginsberg notes. “It’s often the children who bring God in through their discoveries and with their questions. If we do not support exploration and wonder with warmth and respect, then eventually God is likely to be conspicuously absent.”
How does your family make God-talk a regular part of daily life?
Tweetable: It’s often the children who bring God into the home through their questions. Make it normal to do so. Click to Tweet
