You want kids to evaluate results of their choices

thinking-teenSet aside the natural tendency to lecture or say “I told you so” when a child makes a choice and finds out afterwards it wasn’t such a great one.  Thinking about how the choices they make turn out in the end is an important part of decision-making.

Evaluating the results means that after all is said and done, kids stop and think about their choice:

  • Was it a good one?
  • Am I happy with the results?
  • Would I do the same thing again in a similar situation?

Their answers to the questions above will direct us toward our next move:

  1. Celebrate the wise choices they made OR
  2. Learn good things from the unwise ones

888971_84558883 joyCelebrate wise choices

Making wise choices is hard work, and children deserve to celebrate when they make one. They can:

  • Tell someone in the family or text their best friend.
  • Put a sign on their dog and parade him around the neighborhood.
  • Write about it in their diary or journal.
  • Hug somebody.

It’s especially important to celebrate when they chose to do something risky or new and it turned out well. Even if it was a little thing like cleaning their room without being told or not getting mad when they lost a game… don’t forget to celebrate!

kindergarten boy thinkingLearn good things from unwise choices

Sometimes children realize they made a mistake. Making mistakes does not feel very comfortable, so they want to blame someone, throw a tantrum, withdraw and feel too ashamed to talk to anyone, or try to hide it by lying about it.

It is OK to say they made an unwise choice!

We can offer them the opportunity to talk about their choice and guide them to identify a more helpful choice for future situations. We’re looking to strengthen responses like these in the child:

  • I didn’t make a very good choice that time. I’ll choose something different next time.
  • Everyone makes mistakes once in a while.
  • When you’re growing up, it takes time to learn how to make good decisions.
  • Sometimes the only way we really learn is by making a choice and then finding out it wasn’t such a great one after all.
  • I can ask for help because talking about my mistakes is the best way to learn from them.

These are grace-giving responses, and grace is a spiritual quality.

One of the greatest gifts we can give children is permission to make mistakes with the full assurance that we will not “go away” physically or emotionally. Grace is God’s way of giving us room to grow. It is the assurance that no matter what happens, all our imperfections are accepted. Grace is the antidote to shame, enabling us to see mistakes as opportunities to grow rather than opportunities for self-criticism.

The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take.

The C.H.O.O.S.E. tool takes time and practice to become a skill. The steps will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But as you work through each step with the child, identifying options and choosing from among them becomes an automatic response to the situations they face each day.

Relax with it and have a good time together as you learn to C.H.O.O.S.E.!

(The CHOOSE tool was developed by my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy to share it.)

Tweetable:

  • A great opportunity to help kids make wise choices happens after the choice has been made. Here’s why. Click to Tweet
  • The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take. A simple teaching tool here. Click to Tweet

How we encourage kids to act on what they decide

fireworksCelebrate when children make a realistic plan and act on one of their choices! (They are succeeding at a skill more than a few adults have not mastered.) It may not be perfect. They may have overlooked some important criteria. Maybe they need to move on to one of their other options. Yet with each new venture they learn valuable lessons about seeing things through.

See it through  —  act on the choice

The first four steps of the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool teach children to think about the wisest choice they can make. Now they take action.

The best choices are not necessarily the easiest!

In order to “see it through” children learn to do things that are wise but feel scary or difficult—taking a risk. They don’t know how risks will turn out. But they only develop new skills by taking risks.

A child’s follow-through increases significantly when they ask for and receive help.

It’s okay to make mistakes or forget sometimes. The point is to keep talking about it and working at it until the child accomplishes the goal.

Conversation starter:  A girl is learning to see it through

Shiloh, Melissa’s preteen daughter, made a choice that looked great on paper. She chose to talk to someone when she felt hurt instead of eating to cover up her feelings—and it’s proving to be a struggle to keep her commitment.

Shiloh walked into the house hoping no one was home.

oreosShe didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She was in luck—nobody was home. Without even realizing what she was doing, she put her books on the table and went immediately to the kitchen and grabbed the package of Oreos. How lucky can you get! She took a fistful and started twisting them open so she could scrape the creamy middle off with her teeth before crunching into the chocolate wafers.

Somewhere in the distance she heard a car door slam. At the moment, however, chocolate wafers and creamy middles were all she cared about.

“Shiloh, where are you?” her mom yelled as she stumbled through the back door, her arms overstuffed with grocery bags. “I need some help with —” she stopped in mid-sentence when she saw the cookie package clutched tightly in her daughter’s arms. “Uh, I take it things didn’t go very well today.”

Shiloh looked up, surprised by her mother’s words. “Why do you say that?”

“You’re eating cookies as if your life depended on it.”

“I know you. Whenever you get upset, you eat. Are you going to get a part in the school play?”

“I don’t know yet,” Shiloh said with her mouth full of cookies. “The list gets posted next week.”

“Shiloh, stop it!” Her mom said, prying the cookie package out of her daughter’s hands. “What happened to the list of things you could do instead of eating when you feel anxious? You decided you wouldn’t do this anymore—eat to cover up your feelings. We’ve talked this through a million times.”

“It was a dumb decision. It’s too hard, Mom. I can’t do it!”

Her mom sighed and said, “Yes, you can! And I will help if you’ll let me.” When Shiloh nodded, her mother continued, “Great! I remember your decision was to tell someone what happened and how you are really feeling. Do you want to talk about it?”

Be aware of opportunities for follow-through on choices made by children this week. Praise them when they do well carrying out a choice. Be aware of their need for help. If the child did not follow through with a choice, make time to talk about it.

(Linda Sibley developed the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool and shared Shiloh’s story with us.)

Tweetable: It’s not enough to know what to do, a kid has to see it through and do it.How we can help them succeed. Click to Tweet

Empower kids with “I always, always have choices!”

When’s the last time you heard a child say:  I had to do that. I didn’t have any choice!  or She made me do it! or I’m bored… there’s nothing to do. or  It wasn’t my fault… he started it! Sometimes kids find themselves in situations in which they think they just don’t have any choices.

choice2It might not seem so at first, but kids always have choices.

That’s what step 2 in the CHOOSE tool is all about

Teach kids two important truths:

  1. There are always lots of choices for us.
  2. We may have to look hard to find them, especially when we can’t have our first choice.

Conversation starter — Try this example:

On Saturday morning, Gina’s mom told her she had to clean her room—right now, and no excuses! Gina was just getting ready to go outside to ride her bike. But now she has to clean her room. She doesn’t have any choice….right?

It’s true—Gina doesn’t have a choice about whether or not to clean her room. Mom was clear about that. But she still has choices. In fact, what Gina chooses to do next is very important. First ask: What are some of Gina’s choices? Let the child struggle to multiply options (and here are some possible responses you can drop in to help kickstart their thinking):

  • She can mess around and try to avoid cleaning her room.
  • She can try to sneak out of the house and ride her bike anyway.
  • She can “Claim her problem” and get it done as quickly as possible so she can get on with what she really wants to do.
  • What other choices can you think of? (after children exhaust their lists—help them add 2 more!)
  • Can you see how the choice Gina makes will either help her or make things harder? (i.e. what are the consequences?)

Finding all our choices takes practice.

Most children (and adults) give up too soon, thinking we just don’t have any options, or we do the first thing that comes into our mind.

Brainstorming leads to empowerment.

It gives children the tools they need to protect themselves from being victimized or acting impulsively, especially in those situations in which we are not available to guide or protect them.

Growing up knowing, “I always, always have choices” is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children!

Tweetable: Many children give up too soon when brainstorming choices in any given situation. This could help. Click to Tweet

Here’s a fun decision-making process for kids

donutsWill I get up now or hit the snooze button one more time (and probably be late for work)? Will I stop the kids from fighting now or wait until they draw blood? Will I take time to eat breakfast or eat a donut at coffee break (and feel guilty about the calories the rest of the day)? A friend just called to tell me my child beat up his child after school today. How will I deal with my child?

We all have our own way of dealing with choices.

Often our dilemma is how to make the “best” choice. How do I know something is not going to be a bad choice?

In this series we will discover a decision-making process we can use with the important children in our lives.

Through their small and weighty decisions, they will develop their own style. If the end result is their growth, we have done well.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAExamples of growth results would be to….

  • Learn something new that increases the child’s ability to advance the common good
  • Heal relationships, bringing out greater cooperation and harmony
  • Strengthen character traits like integrity or patience

Unwise choices are often the ones we end up wishing we hadn’t made.

We can think of examples of these choices in our lives, our political, religious, business leaders’ lives and our children’s lives. We tend to make these choices….

  • for short-term pleasure
  • to look out only for our own interests
  • to relieve emotional pain or stress
  • without thought for the consequences

With so many variables in our lives, making a good choice may seem, at times, an overwhelming task.

Maybe that’s why so many people try to turn to God for guidance: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

4 preparation questions for adults before we guide children

Before we begin guiding children, we can first take a deeper look at our own decision-making processes. Use the questions below to think through your own personal history.

  1. Which of the following best represents your decision-making style at the present time? Impulsive, logical, avoidance, emotional, imagining the worst, victim of circumstances/people, others:_______, _______.
  2. What decision can you remember making as a child that changed the course of your life?
  3. As an adult, what’s a decision you made that hurt you? Helped you? Greatly affected someone else?
  4. Describe a decision you are facing today that is of concern to you.

Stay tuned for the rest of this series as we look at how to teach children good decision-making processes, one part at a time.

(My friend Linda Sibley designed the CHOOSE tool and she is excited I’m sharing it here. This entry is part of a series.)

Tweetable:

  • Unwise choices are often the ones we end up wishing we hadn’t made. Guide kids toward better choices. Click to Tweet
  • Do you know kids who have trouble making decisions? Good, wise decisions? Break it down for them here. Click to Tweet