You want kids to evaluate results of their choices

thinking-teenSet aside the natural tendency to lecture or say “I told you so” when a child makes a choice and finds out afterwards it wasn’t such a great one.  Thinking about how the choices they make turn out in the end is an important part of decision-making.

Evaluating the results means that after all is said and done, kids stop and think about their choice:

  • Was it a good one?
  • Am I happy with the results?
  • Would I do the same thing again in a similar situation?

Their answers to the questions above will direct us toward our next move:

  1. Celebrate the wise choices they made OR
  2. Learn good things from the unwise ones

888971_84558883 joyCelebrate wise choices

Making wise choices is hard work, and children deserve to celebrate when they make one. They can:

  • Tell someone in the family or text their best friend.
  • Put a sign on their dog and parade him around the neighborhood.
  • Write about it in their diary or journal.
  • Hug somebody.

It’s especially important to celebrate when they chose to do something risky or new and it turned out well. Even if it was a little thing like cleaning their room without being told or not getting mad when they lost a game… don’t forget to celebrate!

kindergarten boy thinkingLearn good things from unwise choices

Sometimes children realize they made a mistake. Making mistakes does not feel very comfortable, so they want to blame someone, throw a tantrum, withdraw and feel too ashamed to talk to anyone, or try to hide it by lying about it.

It is OK to say they made an unwise choice!

We can offer them the opportunity to talk about their choice and guide them to identify a more helpful choice for future situations. We’re looking to strengthen responses like these in the child:

  • I didn’t make a very good choice that time. I’ll choose something different next time.
  • Everyone makes mistakes once in a while.
  • When you’re growing up, it takes time to learn how to make good decisions.
  • Sometimes the only way we really learn is by making a choice and then finding out it wasn’t such a great one after all.
  • I can ask for help because talking about my mistakes is the best way to learn from them.

These are grace-giving responses, and grace is a spiritual quality.

One of the greatest gifts we can give children is permission to make mistakes with the full assurance that we will not “go away” physically or emotionally. Grace is God’s way of giving us room to grow. It is the assurance that no matter what happens, all our imperfections are accepted. Grace is the antidote to shame, enabling us to see mistakes as opportunities to grow rather than opportunities for self-criticism.

The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take.

The C.H.O.O.S.E. tool takes time and practice to become a skill. The steps will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But as you work through each step with the child, identifying options and choosing from among them becomes an automatic response to the situations they face each day.

Relax with it and have a good time together as you learn to C.H.O.O.S.E.!

(The CHOOSE tool was developed by my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy to share it.)

Tweetable:

  • A great opportunity to help kids make wise choices happens after the choice has been made. Here’s why. Click to Tweet
  • The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take. A simple teaching tool here. Click to Tweet

Amazing grace: A spirited girl knew what she wanted

We didn’t say grace at our house when I was growing up because my parents were atheists, explains author Anne Lamott.

amazing grace

I knew even as a little girl that everyone at every table needed blessing and encouragement, but my family didn’t ask for it. Instead, my parents raised glasses of wine to the chef: Cheers. Dig in.

But I had a terrible secret

which was that I believed in God, a divine presence who heard me when I prayed, who stayed close to me in the dark. So at 6 years of age I began to infiltrate religious families like a spy—Mata Hari in [pink] sneakers.

One of my best friends was a Catholic girl

Her boisterous family bowed its collective head and said, “Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts…” I was so hungry for these words; it was like a cool breeze, a polite thank-you note to God, the silky magnetic energy of gratitude. I still love that line.”

My two brothers and I all grew up to be middle-aged believers

I’ve been a member of the same Presbyterian church for 27 years. My older brother became a born-again Christian–but don’t ask him to give the blessing [at a holiday dinner], as it can last forever. I adore him, but your food will grow cold. My younger brother is an unconfirmed but freelance Catholic.

So now someone at our holiday tables always ends up saying grace

1441782_21171245 grace

We say thank you for the miracle that we have stuck together all these years, in spite of it all; that we have each other’s backs, and hilarious companionship.

We savor these moments out of time, when we are conscious of love’s presence, of Someone’s great abiding generosity to our dear and motley family, these holy moments of gratitude. And that is grace.

Anne Lamott

Excerpts are taken from a column, “Views by Anne Lamott,” November 11, 2012. View entire column here.

Tweetable: Will you say grace at your holiday feast? Find inspiration through the eyes of a 6-year-old girl. Click to Tweet