Look at a child’s self-talk to help unstick anxiety or depression

Aug 22, 2016 | Nurture

teen girl-in-thoughtWhen bad things happen, children feel sad, angry or worried.  But what they tell themselves about what happened makes a big difference.

When self-talk contributes to a child’s anxiety

At the core of anxiety is the child’s fear of what is going to happen in the future, compounded by the accompanying self-talk.

  • My parents will get a divorce. (I won’t have a real family anymore.)
  • There’s going to be a shooting at my school. (The world is a scary place to live. More bad things happen than good things.)
  • I have to give a report in front of the whole class. (I can’t do it. It’s too hard for me.)
  • My best friend will move away. (If I lose my best friend, I’ll never have another best friend again!)

12yearold boy2When self-talk contributes to a child’s depression

Depression is about the past. At the core of depression is the loss of something dear, with the accompanying messages the child gives himself.

  • Someone in my family became addicted to alcohol or drugs. (If I’m very good–or careful or funny–I can keep them from drinking too much.)
  • My mother lost her job. (This is the worst thing that could have happened, and it is terrible and awful.)
  • Kids at school made fun of me. (No one cares about me. It’s all my fault.)
  • Someone I love died. (Life will never be good again. I’m incapable of keeping the relationships I really want.)

4 actions we can take toward unsticking their self-talk

Action #1 – Any time the child appears to be overly anxious or depressed, ask the child to tell you what he is thinking about or telling himself. Listen for self-talk lies in their response. Check with the child to see if you understood clearly. Acknowledge the child’s response, BUT……

Action #2 —  Give them new phrases to use. Help the child reject the faulty conclusions they’ve drawn. As soon as you hear them repeating the misbeliefs, stop and help the child argue against them. Hand them phrases to use. Say to the child:

  • “Tell yourself, ‘It’s not true that I can’t do anything right'” or
  • “Tell yourself, ‘Stop! I’m not going to tell myself this lie anymore!'”

Action #3 – This is perhaps the hardest part, but we cannot help children get rid of the lies in their self-talk until they replace the lies with the truth. Again, give them the words to use, maybe something like this:

  • Lie: I’m too fat (short, ugly). Truth: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Mine is my own and I will make it the best it can be by caring for it properly.
  • Lie:  I’ll never fit in at this new school. Truth: It’s hard to say good-bye to my old school and friends, but I will make new friends and have good times here, too.
  • Lie: I’ll just die if my mom starts dating again. Truth: It’s okay to feel sad and worried, but it’s not okay to get stuck there.

Action #4 – What says CELEBRATION! to the child? Stop and do it with her she when she succeeds in establishing positive self-talk:

  • “The truth is everyone has things they are good at and things that are hard for them. Reading is hard for me, so I will just have to work harder at reading. Plus, it’s true that it always okay to ask for help when I need it, so if I need extra help, I’ll ask my teacher or parents”.
  • ”With the help of the people who love me (and God’s help) I can get through anything.”

(I learned these actions from Linda Sibley.)

Tweetable:

  • Focus on a child’s self-talk for clues about how to lessen anxiety and depression. Click to Tweet
  • When bad things happen, children feel upset, but what they tell themselves about what happened makes the difference. Click to Tweet

3 ways to cheer up a child: self-talk

Aug 15, 2016 | Nurture

child with rabbitsJayaram V. observes, “[Self-talk] is your inseparable twin with which you have to live the rest of your life.” (writing on Hinduwebsite.com) We cheer up the children in our life when we show them how to ensure that their inseparable twin is affirming and truthful.

grandmother1st way to cheer up a child: We are in this together

For one week, speak freely about your self-talk. Say out loud what you’re telling yourself in your head, especially if it’s negative (keeping it age appropriate, obviously). Invite them to tell you when you either are not taking responsibility for your own behavior by blaming someone else, OR assuming responsibility for something that is not your fault.

Simultaneously call your kids’ attention to times they are doing the same thing. There is huge relief for children in shared experience.

2nd way to cheer up a child: You have the power to reject your lies

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” (Dr. Seuss)

In other words, the child gets to choose not to believe the myths anymore. Rejecting their lies is a conscious choice they make. They are the boss of their thoughts. This is great news!

3rd way to cheer up a child: Replace the lies with affirmations

teen girl01To reject certain statements as lies without replacing them with truth can send children into chaos: “If this is not true, what is?”

With pieces of their belief system missing, they don’t know who they are, what they’re supposed to do, or how things are supposed to work.

Ask questions that lead the child to reality: “Was it even your fault you weren’t at soccer practice? …. What was true?” Saying things out loud lets you listen to what you’re saying. Taking responsibility for failures comes easier when we’re open about it.

Spiritual affirmations

These affirmations can be adapted for your family’s values and beliefs.

  • I am important to God. God gives me the power to make a difference.
  • Some things are my fault and some are not. God helps me know the difference.
  • With the help of God and the people who love me, I can get through anything.
  • I can tell myself the truth. God can help me handle my anger in safe and healthy ways.
  • I cannot lose God’s love.
  • I am God’s child.
  • I am secure in God’s hand. Nothing I could ever do will ever make God let go of me.
  • I have a purposeful future. God has a good plan for my life.
  • I can trust God to guide me, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.

Games and conversation starters

For games and conversation starters to change negative self-talk and have fun doing it, go here.

Tweetable:

  • These suggested spiritual affirmations can give children a foundation for positive self-talk. Click to Tweet
  • Practical actions we can take to challenge a child’s misinterpretations in their self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet

Challenge kids’ misbeliefs about happiness

Aug 1, 2016 | Nurture

merry go round children kidsHappiness is a funny thing–Is it even possible to be happy all the time? Where do we find the right people or things to make us happy more often? Are any of the children in your life growing up with the impression that life (or God) owes them happiness?

Children’s statements reflect their beliefs about happiness and become their self-talk.

  • “If __ hadn’t happened, I’d be happy now.”
  • “Other people’s lives are happier than mine.”
  • If I just had __ I’d be happy.”
  • If I don’t have __, I will never be happy.”

mother and son-3Raise awareness

They don’t realize that their focus has turned to the things they don’t have. While it’s obvious to us that loving relationships and basic needs being met will increase enjoyment of life, children may not yet understand that these don’t produce happiness. We can help them see that they set themselves up for disappointment when they depend on external sources for their happiness.

Change self-talk to get unstuck

  • “Happiness is about who I am, not about what I have–or don’t have–in my life.”
  • Other people’s lives have more unhappiness than I know about. We all have stress and troubles. That’s normal.”

The role of spirituality in a child’s happiness

There’s a place in each child’s being, typically referred to as the soul or heart or human spirit. When children become aware of God’s presence in that space, some find inner stability, which helps them hold onto hope…. like this girl in a domestic violence Safe Place (where I taught life skills).

Specifically, notice her self-talk and her spirituality.

blue skyBlue. I used to love the color blue. When I saw the color blue I loved it. But while we were on our journey homeless, I realized that the color blue wasn’t as blue as I thought, because I wasn’t in a feeling of happiness. Every time I looked at the sky it reminded me of the pain we were going through.

I few times when I lay in bed, I would think about–is there any hope that God could give us? I used to feel bad for myself but I told myself to pray more and ask God to give me the strength to get through the day. God heard my prayers. We were moving in a house where my mom could make us food. And where we all could communicate. All the stuff God gives me is like gold to me because he gives me things that are really amazing in my eyes.”

Tweetable: What children tell themselves about happiness may hinder our efforts to show them a good time. Here’s how. Click to Tweet 

Thanks to Linda Sibley for her thoughts here about this.