Aug 13, 2018 | Nurture
“Awe is the feeling of being in the presence of something vast or beyond human scale, that transcends our current understanding of things,” according to Dacher Keltner. He leads UC Berkeley’s Social Interaction Lab and he helped Facebook create the recent additions of emoji’s to the Like feature.
When is the last time you felt awe?
For me, it was experiencing a whole sequence of events line up so that I was in the right place at the right time to be of assistance to someone. The sheer number of converging variables demanded an explanation beyond coincidence.
For Immanuel Kant: “Two things awe me most, the starry sky above me and the moral law within me.”
Michael Lerner says: “Nothing is more contagious than genuine love and genuine care. Nothing is more exhilarating than authentic awe and wonder.” He says that the universe produces a feeling of awe for him.
Goodness. Beauty. Truth.
Adults and children alike experience awe. We hold that in common. Feeling amazed by goodness, beauty or truth seems to be a universal human response. I ask myself, “Is awe one of the pathways God provides for humanity to experience God? Could it be that feelings of awe are yet another attempt made by a loving God to connect with each of us? How can I provide awe-inspiring experiences for the children in my life?”
Ideas for kids
The second half of this article gives specific ideas of how families can experience awe.
Paula Scott, from her article here on awe, adds another idea, “High school teacher Julie Mann takes her students on ‘Awe Walks’ to connect with nature or art. When they write about these experiences and share them in the classroom, she says, kids who never talk in class or pay attention come to life. ‘It helps them feel less marginalized, with a sense that life is still good.’ She suggests journaling, collage, photography, drawing as ways for students to reflect about awe for time, space, amazing events and people.”
Click to Tweet: We call it goosebumps, spine-tingling, tears in our eyes amazement. Good ideas here to add more wonder to everyday life. Click to Tweet
Jul 3, 2017 | trust
“Children carry family secrets. Their powers of observation add to the problem when they see, for example, one parent covering up for another or acting as if everything is okay when it obviously is not,” says author Linda Sibley. She continues…
Guideline #1: Tell children the truth.
In an effort to protect children from the painful side of life, family members often make the mistake of not talking to them about difficult family issues. Unfortunately, not talking to children about what is real does not protect them.
“Children always know…. They just don’t always know what they know.” –John Bradshaw
And when children know something is wrong and no one will talk to them about it at an age-appropriate level, they fill in the blanks for themselves. Their version will include distorted details.”
Truth sets free
In one of Jesus’ best known statements made to the people who believed in him, he declares: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
In reality, it is much easier for children to deal with the real truth about family issues than with their made-up version of it. For adults, the toughest part of these conversations is separating the information that children need from our own emotional baggage.
Trust that Jesus was right and give kids the truth they need.
Keep it age-appropriate. Gain your own composure so that you aren’t mixing in your embarrassment, anger or fear.
Guide them toward one or two safe people to tell.
For years, I’ve been leading support groups where children share their concerns with kids their own age under the supervision of a trained facilitator. Parents report that the children feel less anxious and burdened down. Kids realize, often for the first time, that no family is perfect and that other kids have similar feelings and concerns.
Tweetable: Is it better to protect kids from difficult family situations by keeping everything positive? Read more. Click to Tweet
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Aug 22, 2016 | Nurture
When bad things happen, children feel sad, angry or worried. But what they tell themselves about what happened makes a big difference.
When self-talk contributes to a child’s anxiety
At the core of anxiety is the child’s fear of what is going to happen in the future, compounded by the accompanying self-talk.
- My parents will get a divorce. (I won’t have a real family anymore.)
- There’s going to be a shooting at my school. (The world is a scary place to live. More bad things happen than good things.)
- I have to give a report in front of the whole class. (I can’t do it. It’s too hard for me.)
- My best friend will move away. (If I lose my best friend, I’ll never have another best friend again!)
When self-talk contributes to a child’s depression
Depression is about the past. At the core of depression is the loss of something dear, with the accompanying messages the child gives himself.
- Someone in my family became addicted to alcohol or drugs. (If I’m very good–or careful or funny–I can keep them from drinking too much.)
- My mother lost her job. (This is the worst thing that could have happened, and it is terrible and awful.)
- Kids at school made fun of me. (No one cares about me. It’s all my fault.)
- Someone I love died. (Life will never be good again. I’m incapable of keeping the relationships I really want.)
4 actions we can take toward unsticking their self-talk
Action #1 – Any time the child appears to be overly anxious or depressed, ask the child to tell you what he is thinking about or telling himself. Listen for self-talk lies in their response. Check with the child to see if you understood clearly. Acknowledge the child’s response, BUT……
Action #2 — Give them new phrases to use. Help the child reject the faulty conclusions they’ve drawn. As soon as you hear them repeating the misbeliefs, stop and help the child argue against them. Hand them phrases to use. Say to the child:
- “Tell yourself, ‘It’s not true that I can’t do anything right'” or
- “Tell yourself, ‘Stop! I’m not going to tell myself this lie anymore!'”
Action #3 – This is perhaps the hardest part, but we cannot help children get rid of the lies in their self-talk until they replace the lies with the truth. Again, give them the words to use, maybe something like this:
- Lie: I’m too fat (short, ugly). Truth: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Mine is my own and I will make it the best it can be by caring for it properly.
- Lie: I’ll never fit in at this new school. Truth: It’s hard to say good-bye to my old school and friends, but I will make new friends and have good times here, too.
- Lie: I’ll just die if my mom starts dating again. Truth: It’s okay to feel sad and worried, but it’s not okay to get stuck there.
Action #4 – What says CELEBRATION! to the child? Stop and do it with her she when she succeeds in establishing positive self-talk:
- “The truth is everyone has things they are good at and things that are hard for them. Reading is hard for me, so I will just have to work harder at reading. Plus, it’s true that it always okay to ask for help when I need it, so if I need extra help, I’ll ask my teacher or parents”.
- ”With the help of the people who love me (and God’s help) I can get through anything.”
(I learned these actions from Linda Sibley.)
Tweetable:
- Focus on a child’s self-talk for clues about how to lessen anxiety and depression. Click to Tweet
- When bad things happen, children feel upset, but what they tell themselves about what happened makes the difference. Click to Tweet
Jul 25, 2016 | Nurture
If we are going to help children find the misbeliefs in their self-talk and get rid of them, we should understand how they got there in the first place. They are not arbitrary. They come from somewhere, commonly from….
- Hearing something repeatedly
- Not being told something they needed to hear
- Being left on their own emotionally when they were very young to handle a traumatic life event
Truth or Myth? How can they tell the difference?
Consider this standard of evaluation and tailor it to fit your values and beliefs.
MYTHS/MISBELIEFS. . .
|
TRUTH. . .
|
- are judgmental
- are critical
- are accusatory
- tear down
- destroy
- produce fear
- take away hope
|
- is forgiving
- gives value
- allows mistakes
- builds up
- strengthens
- gives peace
- gives hope
|
“The lies we tell other people are nothing compared to the lies we tell ourselves.”
― Derek Landy
Where can children look to find truth about themselves?
Kids find truth about themselves in the faces and words of loving, caring adults.
Be intentional about noticing the child’s most intense feelings: hurt, embarrassed, angry, ashamed or afraid. That’s when they are more likely to tell themselves a lie and believe it. As the adult, speak up with short, truthful statements during these experiences. For example:
- Parents fighting or arguing: “All parents fight sometimes,“ or “Parents can argue and still love each other.”
- Child admits she doesn’t want to like her new stepdad because it’s unfair to her dad and it would hurt his feelings if he knew: “It’s okay to let yourself love your stepdad. You can love your dad and like (or even love) your stepdad at the same time. You can never have too many people to love and who love you in your life!”
Kids find truth about themselves in sacred writings the family looks to.
As an example, for families who name the Bible as a source of truth, they find statements about themselves – I am God’s child; I cannot lose God’s love; I have a purposeful future; God doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want, but I know God is still watching over me.
“You desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” Psalm 51:6
Conversation starters and games to increase a child’s positive inner speech
Ages 2-5
- Taking the photo: “You can do lots of things well. What are some of them?” Guide the child to think of something he or she does well. Then take their picture– running, jumping, riding a bike; or let them choose an object depicting what they do well, such as a ball, spatula or puzzle. Let the child decide who to send the picture to.
- Talent Show (at a family gathering or with neighbor kids): Each (preschool) child tells one of the things they do well (e.g. twirling, hugging, whistling, somersault). Give them time “on stage” to do it alone. Then ask him/her to lead the others in doing it too.
- Story book: Franklin Rides a Bike
Ages 6-11 – Game: Truth or Lie
(best with extended family or friends) Each person makes a true statement (e.g. favorite color, food, activity; where they go to school). Explain that we will go around again and have them share another statement, only this time they can say something that is true or not true. The others have a chance to guess which it is.
Tweetable: 4 games and activities with kids to strengthen positive self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet
