Helping children process wrongdoing

Oct 20, 2014 | Direction

I have noticed that very young children are quite honest and open about their wrongdoing.

Rohan

A child who is told to stay in the living room and not come into the kitchen will slide one foot into the kitchen and then look at the adult to see what they will do. The child is not hiding what they are doing– it’s more like they are experimenting to find out what will happen.

What the adult does next matters

Hairbands_cropped

One little girl saw some pretty headbands with sparkles at a friend’s house where she was playing. As Chloe and her mom were walking home, the mom noticed Chloe holding the sparkly headbands. “Where did you get those?” “From Hannah’s house.” “Did Hannah give them to you?” “No.” So they marched right back and returned the headbands to Hannah and her mother with an apology from Chloe.

What did this little girl learn about wrongdoing and guilt?

  • Stealing is wrong. I should not take what doesn’t belong to me.
  • When I do something wrong, the way to handle it is to go back and acknowledge what I did.
  • The apology should come from me, not from my mother. No one else is responsible for my actions.
  • When I admit what I did and apologize, I am forgiven and the relationship is restored.

Incidences of wrongdoing are a valuable learning experience for children. The way the important adults in their lives respond becomes the way the child will respond for the rest of their life when they do wrong.

Imagine this mom had behaved differently. What different lessons might be hard-wired into Chloe’s internal guidance system?

red_haired_girl_serious

“Did Hannah give them to you?” “No.”

  • Response #1: “Oh. Well, I’m sure it’s no big deal. They’re just hair bands.” And they keep walking.
  • Lesson #1: Stealing is no big deal. You don’t need to address it. OR: It’s better to not let people know if you’ve done something wrong.
  • Response #2: Seeing the hair bands and pretending not to. Saying nothing.
  • Lesson #2:  This is acceptable behavior.
  • Response #3: Taking the child back to return the hair band with the mom apologizing to the other mom.
  • Lesson #3: I am not responsible for my actions– my parents are. It brings shame on them when I do something wrong. My parents need to right the wrong, not me.
  • Response #4: Yelling at the child, bringing the issue up multiple times, shaming the child in front of others.
  • Lesson #4: I am a bad person because I did this. If I do something wrong in the future, I should hide it.

The way the important adults in their lives respond becomes the way children will respond for the rest of their life when they do wrong.

Tweetable: Your reaction to children’s wrongdoing gets hard-wired into their internal guidance system. Click to Tweet

 

Healthy guilt: Oxymoron or worthy goal?

Oct 13, 2014 | Uncategorized

Guilt is generally a negative term. It’s a feeling heaped on us by others that makes us feel bad and decreases our emotional health. Some of us also heap guilt upon ourselves. It weighs us down.

 

Is there ever a place for guilt?

Is it ever helpful? I would say yes– and I might consider renaming it “conscience” or “healthy guilt” when it comes from the internal guidance system inside us as opposed to being heaped on us from others.

A working moral compass makes children stronger

606051_56047834 upset girl

As children get older, their conscience is what bothers them when they have done something wrong. Often it prompts them to right a wrong, make amends, or apologize… all of which promote personal and social health.

There’s a place for sadness over what we have done

45554_8315 sociopath

When a criminal has been convicted, we watch to see if they feel remorse– sadness for what they have done. That is guilt… a healthy response to one’s own wrongdoing. When someone feels no guilt for obvious and severe wrongdoing, society considers them a sociopath.

How can we help children develop an internal moral compass– a conscience– but without the negative baggage that guilt brings? How can we help them not just have a change of actions, but a change of heart?

I welcome ideas from readers as I am thinking through this issue.

 

Tweetable:
Is there such a thing as healthy guilt? Is there ever a place for guilt in childhood? Click to Tweet

Why children make the wrong choices

Jul 21, 2014 | Direction

728485_12254479do wrongAt some point, every child understands a moral directive and does the opposite. This is a defining moment in the child’s life. This is when they (subconsciously) ask us, So what? Why should I do the right thing? What difference does it make? We are keenly aware that we give the answer to these questions by what we do ourselves more than by what we tell them.

Reflect for a moment on why you do the right thing.

Why do you obey traffic laws? Why do you tell the truth?  Why do you follow instructions from flight attendants? Why do you file your taxes with honesty?

  • question wrong choices 264245_8285to avoid unpleasant consequences?
  • it’s how I was raised
  • I draw on spiritual strength
  • it gets me more of what I want
  • to get to heaven?
  • because __ said so (the law, the boss, the church)

When we take time to reflect on the meaning of our choices, we become clear on the direction we are giving children.

Your internal motive for why you do what you do shapes, both directly and indirectly, the framework your child uses to answer, “So what? Why should I?” That message becomes part of their hard-wiring for years to come.

Tweetables:

  • At some point, every child hears a moral directive and does the opposite, a defining moment in the child’s life. Click to Tweet
  • When we reflect on the meaning of our choices, we become clear on the direction we are giving our kids. Click to Tweet