Decision-making and kids who use their moral compass

Jun 6, 2016 | Direction

teen girl013rd in a series about a valuable, simple tool for teaching kids decision-making.    The tool is C.H.O.O.S.E. and today’s big idea is to know and follow moral principles. A kid’s morals become their treasure chest of wisdom and guidance.

A child’s treasure chest

treasure-chest-5-A child’s treasures can include their most special toys, a ribbon or trophy won at a swim meet, photos of the most special people and times in their lives. Many of a child’s treasures wouldn’t bring very much money if sold, but they bring something much more valuable: reminders of the best parts of the child’s life. A child’s morals are treasures of great value.

Conversation Starter: A camping story for kids

night2Imagine you are in the woods camping with your family, having a great time. In fact, you are having so much fun you don’t realize you are wandering deeper and deeper into the woods. Suddenly, it’s dark and you realize you’re lost! Now it’s very dark and you can’t see anything! How do you feel? (scared, alone) After awhile, you look up and see a light coming toward you. You hear your dad calling your name! You go toward the light until you meet your parents, and all of you follow the path back to camp. Now how do you feel? (relieved, safe) You were safe because the light showed you where to go in the darkness!

Four ethical questions can be like a light to children when they’re making a decision:

  1. Will it hurt me or someone else? If your brainstorming list of options includes ones that will hurt you, cross them off. Same with an option to hurt someone else—hitting, telling lies about them, stealing their things. You can find other ways to deal with your decision.
  2. Is there something beyond my control? That’s a real important question, because many times the choice we want to make is not within our power. For example, if your parents are getting a divorce, your first choice would probably be to have them get back together. But that is a choice your parents must make and is completely beyond your control. As hard as it may be, you need to cross it off your list of choices.
  3. How does it feel inside? If a choice feels wrong, cross it off your list. Be careful, though. Some choices may feel uncomfortable, but deep down inside we know they are wise—like choosing to tell the truth instead of covering up with lie. That’s different from feeling uncomfortable because we know it’s wrong—like letting your friend talk you into shoplifting, or letting someone touch you in ways you don’t want to be touched.
  4. Who can help me choose? Keep a list of people you can talk to whenever you feel confused or just don’t know what to do.  (Some kids may include prayer or religious teachings sources of help.)

(Linda Sibley designed the CHOOSE tool and she is excited I’m sharing it here.)

Tweetable:

  • A child’s morals are treasures of great value, especially when used to make decisions. Read more. Click to Tweet
  • 4 moral questions kids can use when making a difficult choice. Read more. Click to Tweet

Why is hiding wrongdoing harmful?

Nov 3, 2014 | trust

preschool_girl_peekaboo

Hide and Seek can be fun for kids… but the thrill is in being found. No one wants to stay hidden forever. That means they’ve been forgotten and are not part of the group anymore.

An (admittedly imperfect) analogy can be drawn to hiding our wrongdoing

hiding_blinds

 

When adults do something wrong, our temptation can be to hide it. But we quickly learn that the hiding becomes a problem in and of itself.

It cuts us off from our community. It allows our detrimental behavior to continue to harm us. It brings unwanted feelings of shame.

We don’t want this for our children.

Why do children often begin to cover up their wrongdoings?

For one thing, it is usually easy to hide a hurtful wrong, while deciding to reveal it is hard.

For another thing, children are scared of the consequences, especially when that may include punishment in some form. So instead of acknowledging the wrongdoing and exposing themselves to the adult’s potentially negative reaction, their temptation is to hide it.

Also, children sense a breach of relationship when adults get angry or express disappointment in them, making their choice to hide seem like a safer alternative.

What can we as parents or caregivers do to help children navigate these difficult waters well?

The most important action we can take is also the most simple: Show them through modeling. When do children see you admit that you have done something wrong or handled something badly? When have they seen you apologize for your actions?

SONY DSC

 

One dad sometimes gets mad at his kids and yells at them. (Admittedly, they’ve generally done something to provoke that response.) He knows he shouldn’t yell at them, so after he cools down he will come back and apologize to his children. Through this they learn that it’s okay– even good– to be honest about your shortcomings.

 

The more honest I can be, the less I have to hide…when I have nothing to hide, I have everything to give.

–American singer/songwriter Kenny Loggins

Tweetable: When do children see you admit that you have done something wrong or handled something badly? Click to Tweet