Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — Miller and Mattson
Miller and Mattson continue, “Hidden behind their multiple interests is the consistency of a particular way of working and playing, a motivational pattern.”
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
Extensive research leads to the conclusion that consistent motivational patterns emerge “in rudimentary form by age 10 and are fully fleshed out in mid-teens.” Further, the motivational pattern remains consistent throughout a person’s life.
A poignant example
Kayla Jean Mueller was an American human rights activist and humanitarian aid worker. She was taken captive in August 2013 in Aleppo, Syria, while leaving a Doctors Without Borders hospital and died earlier this year in Syria at age 26.
When she was 22 she wrote to her parents: “Some people find God in church. Some people find God in nature. Some people find God in love. I find God in suffering. I’ve known for some time what my life’s work is, using my hands as tools to relieve suffering.”
The more teens act out of their motivated pattern, the greater is their own satisfaction that they are using their life for its intended purpose –the purpose that they define, based upon the abilities, talents, skills, and temperament they see in themselves. Here’s an exercise you can give to the teens in your life. To get started, see this link: Guided questions motivational patterns.
Next week : A second exercise to help teens pull out their work pattern from the data they recorded.
Tweetable: Six questions help teens identify patterns in their most satisfyingly consistent way of work and play. Click to Tweet
Most university-bound teens engage in volunteer work of some kind—it’s almost a requirement for a good college application.
But is there more to it than that?
Some teens say Yes! In addition to building their resume, some say that volunteering helped them:
see that their destiny can actually involve doing something that comes easily to them
develop compassion for others
discover what they’re good at
contribute to their quest for meaning
Help them think it through before they commit
One family attends a Presbyterian Church that expects all regular attenders (teens and adults) to volunteer in some way once a month. The idea is that the church belongs to all who call themselves a part of it, and if everyone does a little bit no one is stuck trying to do everything.
So this family is helping their kids think through how they can volunteer. Some of their choices include working in the baby nursery, teaching the younger kids’ classes, cleaning up the meeting area after the service, playing an instrument on the worship team once a month, helping with the community outreach to refugees by teaching English as a second language.
Significant conversations about destiny can occur
Having the teens think about volunteering has created interesting conversations about what each teen is good at, what they care about, what they have to contribute, and how they can feel like a contributing part of the community.
An astonishing ethical statement
Recent research indicates support for a possible universal desire: Human beings around the world derive [happiness] from using their financial resources to help others—a surprising ethical and spiritual statement. Even more astonishing is that our little acts of love are capable of producing passion in us that satisfies our thirst for meaning.
Consider the teens in your life. How could they engage in giving to others through loving, helpful acts? How might those actions help themselves as well?
Tweetable: A teen’s acts of charity are capable of producing passion that satisfies the thirst for meaning. Click to Tweet
Last week’s post detailed three ideas to help a child discover, develop and actively pursue the tasks that they love to do.
Action Item #1 – Ask kids what work they like to do
Action Item #2 – Guess and try something
Action Item #3 – Ask teachers, coaches, friends and family what they observe
Action Item #4 – Let children quit
Although we often think otherwise, there is actually great value in failure. Failure allows children to rule out a job they don’t enjoy, freeing them to try something else. Not every child needs to be a violinist.
One preteen girl seemed to enjoy sewing with her grandmother, who was an accomplished seamstress. Whenever her grandmother came to visit from out of town, they worked on projects together.
During the next year, for birthdays and holidays, the grandmother would send sewing supplies and gear as gifts for her granddaughter. However, the mom noticed that the girl didn’t sew when her grandmother wasn’t in town. When the girl opened a sewing machine for Christmas, she observed to her parents, “I think grandma thinks I like sewing more than I do.”
It turns out she enjoyed the togetherness of working on a project with her grandmother, not the sewing as an end in itself.
Action Item #5 – Keep a work/task record for the child
Every parent I know has folders, boxes or digital files of their child’s school work in storage—pictures, stories, projects, poems, hand prints in tempera paint.
Why not keep a file of the jobs, tasks, hobbies the child tried? We have those pictures, but they aren’t separated from the rest of the family photos.
Be intentional. Write down what they love to do and file it away for the child. It might be strategic in choosing a college major someday because a work record makes it possible to see patterns in their childhood experiences.
Action Item #6 – Use their birthday card or baby journal to record milestones
Birthday card
Start giving a child a birthday card each year as a way to record significant developments. By the age of 18 children have forgotten most of their childhood birthday gifts, but a yearly record of who they are, what jobs they loved to do, what they dreamed about, and what motivated them—this helps them find their purpose and see their real self.
They can reread it in times of adolescent angst or in the tough decision about what to do after high school.
So as the birthday nears, look at pictures, your calendar and in your child’s home file to recall and summarize anything that brought purpose and meaning to their life that year.
Baby journal
Another option is to keep a “baby journal” for a child. Every month or so, pull out the journal and write a paragraph or two about what the child was like at six months old, at 2 years old, at 5 years old.
What were their interests? What did they enjoy? What jobs were they good at? What fun stories can you write down from this season of their life? You’ll be amazed at the continuity of the patterns you’ll see over time.
You’ll also be amazed at how delighted your teenager will be to receive and read such a gift.
Next week: Find and build motivation
Tweetable: Ideas for 2 very special gifts for a teen. Not expensive but something only a few people can give them. Click to Tweet
School vacations begin any day now. Here’s an idea that could shift your child’s vacation time from good to great: Wherever you go, whatever you do, find ways to put the spotlight on your family’s talents and strengths. You will hear a lot more gratitude and a lot less whining.
Start by making a list of each child’s talents and strengths….
…including adults who are part of the vacation. Show each child’s list to them and ask the child to circle their top two or three.
Armed with these lists of talents and strengths, search for events and activities that match their talents. This can be a search for local activities, or if the family is also going on a trip, events at your destination.
Sort the possible activities.
Delete any that are unrealistic for your family. Now you have a list of places, people, events, shows, or games that are possible for the trip (or summer days at home without school).
Allow the whole family to choose from the list.
Because of your advance work, there is literally something for every person. Their satisfaction is greater because they are doing something they love or something they are good at. While participating in a sibling’s choice they know their turn is coming.
Take for instance an overnight camping trip.
One child in the family is a natural. She wants to pitch the tent and build the fire. She’s in her element on a camping trip.
The other two children haven’t been looking forward to the camping trip as much.
So you strategically put one child in charge of organizing the tent and the foodstuffs. Where should each person’s sleeping bag be laid out? Where should the flashlight be so everyone can get to it in the dark? How should we separate the evening food from the next day’s breakfast so it doesn’t attract bears? This child is an arranger and he gets a lot of satisfaction out of organizing everything so it makes sense.
The third child is the one staring up into the clouds.
While everyone else was trying to unload the van and pitch the tent, she isn’t paying much attention to the world around her. But that night at the campfire, you ask that child to make up stories to tell around the campfire. The rest of the family can’t believe how funny and scary and entertaining her stories are… but you had a hunch.
Great vacations encompass short-term fun, plus the long-term gain of learning something new or adding onto something we were already good at so the enjoyment is increased.
Vacation isn’t just about mindless fun or distraction or rest.
Yes, these are important. But discovery and creativity and growth are important too. So stay in the moment for 5 more minutes after it’s over, to talk:
What did we do that you wish we could do again?
I have an idea for a different activity that we could do…..
What 3 words describe your feelings about what we did?
If we did this again, what could we do to make it better?
What did you (see, hear, smell, taste, feel)?
What was your contribution to this activity?
With these simple ideas you are likely to get a greater return of refreshment and enjoyment over the long haul.
Next week: Packing children’s suitcases for the trip ahead
Tweetable: Here’s an idea that could shift your child’s vacation time from good to great. Click to Tweet
“Humans may resemble many other creatures in their striving for happiness, but the quest for meaning is a key part of what makes us human.” — Roy Baumeister
For most people, finding life meaningful and feeling happy are important– and related– goals.
Recognizing this, we start early to move children toward those goals.
Whether you believe that a person’s essence comes from our genetic framework or from God placing a unique soul within each of us (or some combination of both), the outworking of that belief often looks the same: You have potential within you and now you need to decide what to do with it.
Yet it’s difficult for us to face the challenge of what to do next.
We know we need to help the children in our lives learn to tap into the potential that is already within them. But how?
The focus of this blog is always to see the child’s development through a spiritual lens.
Many excellent resources exist that instruct us in the ways of emotional, physical and mental preparation to find happiness and purpose. But what of the spiritual preparation?
Certain concrete, specific actions can help them discover, develop and use the potential of their human spirit.
Each title in this series offers to guide your efforts in all of the attributes of the child’s human spirit:
Talents and strengths: a vacation planner
Find and build motivation
The gift of boredom: desires and passions
Make work meaningful: try these ideas
Ask kids what they think of The Big Picture
Helping even young children choose to engage in activities that uncover their talents, motivations, aptitudes and passions–this is part of the spiritual stuff of life.
Next week: Talents and strengths: a vacation planner
Tweetable: We know we need to help children learn to tap into the potential already within them. But how? Click to Tweet
In a web-based Smart Girls survey, four out of five girls (average age 13) reported that their life goal was something like fame, money, or being happy. The remaining 20% said their life goal was to make a difference.
Opinions such as this are often formed from previous experience.
What kinds of experiences and input are shaping the dreams, goals, and values of the children in your life?
Think about how they might answer the question, “What is your main goal in life?”
Would they be in the majority or the minority? And what do you most want for the children in your life? What if you had to choose either happiness or meaning?
This is the first post in a series where I explore a spiritual approach to addressing this question with children.
Defining happiness and meaning
A good place to start is by defining our terms. In a widely-reported survey summarized in Scientific American:
Respondents strongly correlated feeling happy with seeing life as easy, pleasant, and free from difficult or troubling events. Happiness was also correlated with being in good health and generally feeling well most of the time.
However, none of these things were correlated with a greater sense of meaning.
The survey’s findings suggest that pure happiness is about getting what we want in life—whether through people, money, or life circumstances.
Meaningfulness, in contrast, seems to have more to do with giving, effort, and sacrifice. However, tasks which don’t make us happy can, over time, add up to a meaningful life. Even routine activities — talking on the phone, cooking, cleaning, meditating, emailing, praying, and balancing finances — appeared to bring more meaning to adults’ lives, but did not contribute to happiness in the moment.
Think about your own perspectives on this question.
How would you personally rate the relative importance of happiness or meaning?
How have you pursued them?
How successful has that pursuit been?
What are your hopes for the children in your life?
What do you most want for them? Happiness or meaning? What if you had to choose?
Next week: Preparing children to tap into their potential
Tweetable: New series gives practical perspective to the kinds of experiences that shape a child’s dreams and goals. Click to Tweet
Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — Miller and Mattson
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
But is there more to it than that?
The third child is the one staring up into the clouds.
A good place to start is by defining our terms. In a widely-reported 
giving, effort, and sacrifice. However, tasks which don’t make us happy can, over time, add up to a meaningful life. Even routine activities — talking on the phone, cooking, cleaning, meditating, emailing, praying, and balancing finances — appeared to bring more meaning to adults’ lives, but did not contribute to happiness in the moment.