Jan 5, 2015 | Nurture
One man remembers doing something wrong when he was young, and having his parents feel bad and embarrassed about it. They were essentially taking responsibility for his actions. They felt that their son’s wrongdoing reflected on them.
Do you see how this response displaces the guilt?
It becomes all about how the parents look instead of about what the child is learning. This type of negative reinforcement encourages the child to hide his future wrongdoings, so as to not bring shame on his parents.
Conversely, a child of a different temperament might respond differently
In this same situation, she might act out and misbehave in an active attempt to bring shame to her parents. She might also develop a pattern of placing the blame for her own actions onto others: “It’s the teacher’s fault I failed.” “My friends made me do it.”
Instead, put the responsibility back on the child
“Wow, yes, that is messed up! How are you going to fix that?”
And then listen to their response with real curiosity, because it is ultimately up to them to try to make things right. No one else can fix it for them.
When you feel responsible for your kids’ actions, something is wrong.
Granted, we are responsible to teach and model right behavior for them. But when they mess up, it’s up to them to take responsibility for their actions, not us. Yes, someone might think we are bad parents. But it’s better for the long-term development of the child.
Tweetable: When you feel responsible for your kids’ actions, something is wrong. Find a different perspective here. Click to Tweet
Dec 22, 2014 | Nurture
Conscience, reason, character and more. All part of a child’s human spirit–ready for us to explore and cultivate with them.
Where are you seeing growth and change in the children you love? How are you helping to make it possible?
A story from my own childhood comes to mind as I reflect upon these questions. Last week I recognized one way my mother did this for me. It was last week when the doctor questioned me about my foot pain: “Do you wear pointy shoes or did you used to?”
I thought about my pointy shoes and those long-ago piano lessons
When I was 8 or 9, my piano teacher participated in NFSM and all her piano students had a yearly audition, a non-competitive adjudication. We were judged on individual merit in the areas of accuracy, continuity, phrasing, dynamics, rhythm, interpretation, style and technique. That meant four years of daily piano practice.
After going many tearful rounds with me about skipping out on practicing
my mother thought of a game-changer. We went to the thrift store and got dress-up clothes, including beautiful satin high heels. My father sawed off the heels so drastically that they were only slightly higher than my sneakers. But they were stunningly pointed.
After school, for at least one year, I got all dressed up, made dramatic entrances into the living room, walked across the Hollywood Bowl stage and, to deafening applause, began to play Czerny. Frequently I stood to bow before the adoring crowd of furniture.
With one small idea, my mother kept me in the game
so that fruits of character had a chance to ripen. In those four years I grew in diligence, reliability, consistency, and the wherewithal to push through when I don’t feel like it.
Tweetable: Does your child complain constantly about practicing a musical instrument? Try this idea. Click to Tweet
Nov 17, 2014 | Nurture
A child’s human spirit and conscience develop like a new building under construction with scaffolding around it. Parents and other adults provide a framework for support, but the child is the one under development. The point is the child—or the building.
Everybody looks past the scaffolding
They are trying to see around or through the scaffolding to get an idea of what the building is going to look like. So it doesn’t matter what scaffolding looks like, as long as it serves its purpose.
Instead of worrying about what others think of our efforts, what if we keep our focus on the best interests of the child?
What will help develop their human spirit?
- Letting them make mistakes. Not covering those mistakes up, but helping them process wrongdoing so they can learn from it.
- Serving as a sounding board as they think, reflect, and make the kind of internal changes that will allow them to grow.
A friend of mine is struggling with oncoming empty nest syndrome
Two children who have left the nest are doing great, and one is still in high school and becoming very independent. When her second child left home recently, I sent her a note of encouragement saying,
You are now a masters-level parent. They can do much more on their own now, and that’s a sign of success.
When scaffolding is no longer needed, it goes away.
I’d argue that this removal of support doesn’t happen all of a sudden at age 18, but gradually throughout childhood and the teen years as kids take on more responsibility and make wise choices more consistently.
Paradoxically, the sign of good parenting is when they don’t need you anymore.
Tweetable: A child’s human spirit and conscience develop like a new building under construction with scaffolding around it. Click to Tweet
Oct 27, 2014 | Nurture
When I visit my mother in her care facility, I see how children lift the spirits of the elderly. I’ve put bold type on a couple of ideas a friend of mine used with her own daughter’s visits:
I used to pick up my daughter every Wednesday from kindergarten and make the hour-long trek to see my father-in-law at his nursing home. I also went to the library in the larger town, shopped at Costco, and ran other errands during those Wednesdays. Sometimes I even brought other children with me.
I dressed my daughter in a cute outfit, often a frilly dress, and encouraged her to think of something to tell her grandfather.
On Halloween, she went in costume.
I saw this as a win-win situation on several fronts
My father-in-law got a visit from a sweet girl who loved him, was happy to bestow kisses and even sit on his lap.
The other residents of the home got to see a pleasant child who always brought something clever with her:
- The latest kindergarten project that I didn’t want. (I took pictures of great projects and kept those. Carolyn freely gave them away. Who can forget the time she showed up on Abraham Lincoln’s birthday wearing a top hat made out of construction paper? All her “fans” in the home told her how adorable she was.)
- Flowers or a piece of nature. My daughter was great with dandelions.
- A balloon. (Who would have thought of that? The last belly laugh I got out of my father-in-law came from batting the balloon with Carolyn.)
My daughter learned that people are worth visiting and not to be afraid of the elderly or those in wheelchairs.
She grew up to work in a nursing home in college and took her sweet nature for the patients with her. Once she even took time to discuss a woman’s weightier questions about life and death and eternity as a result of not being afraid.
Tweetable: An elderly friend or family member might appreciate a visit from your children in their Halloween costumes. Click to Tweet
Sep 29, 2014 | Nurture
These timely observations were made by a man I interviewed about childhood spirituality. Notice that he gives credit to religious parents who step back from their own religious style and methods, but not from their beliefs and convictions. They allow children to express their growing spirituality in ways that are different from the parents.
Ethics and values and religious education can be imbued to a child.
But each child possesses a distinct style of negotiating his or her way through the world that has not been shaped by parenting or churching. And I think some of these innate personality traits may facilitate or fetter a person’s desire to seek a spiritual realm.
I guess what I mean is that some children are going to see the angels and some aren’t.
The ones that don’t can still experience the fullness of God’s love—but are less likely to experience grand epiphanies, raptures, startling leaps into the divine.
The voice of God is a brash symphony for some that sways their every step—for others it is a whisper, less of a force and more of a companion. I think each child will hear the voice differently and its timbre is unmodulated by parents or environments.
The voice of God is a brash symphony for some that sways their every step–for others it is a whisper, less of a force and more of a companion.
Tweetable: Each child will hear the voice of God differently, unmodulated by parents or environments. Click to Tweet
Sep 22, 2014 | Nurture
Can you think of a recent situation where you accepted, even supported, something you do not agree with? Some people won’t do it ever. Some do it quite readily, while others will do it while admitting it is not easy. Especially when it involves a heavy topic like politics or religion.
That’s why I applaud these nonreligious parents who support their children’s desire to develop their own spirituality.
Actor Michael Douglas was interviewed by People magazine:
I don’t know many parents of my age who’ve got kids this age… Dylan turned 13 last year and I could not ask for a more lovely son and daughter [Carys, 11]. They are perfect.
Dylan’s bar mitzvah was wonderful. I was so proud of our son. Neither one of his parents have any formal religious training, and this just really came out of his association with friends at school and then finding something that really made him feel spiritual. He liked that feeling.
A woman I interviewed said something similar:
My parents never took my family to church. They didn’t 
talk much about God or religion. I didn’t learn much about spirituality from them. When I was in high school and wanted to attend church, they supported me though.
Some caregivers, for reasons of their own, choose to stay out of spiritual conversations with their children. Yet they actively support the child’s own spiritual quest.
Tweetable:
Can you think of a recent situation where you accepted, even supported, something you do not agree with? Click to Tweet
