Nov 23, 2020 | Uncategorized
The simple act of saying “Thank you” can dramatically impact people’s impression of you. It’s an important skill to teach children.
A teenage girl was recently asked to babysit for a family. Her response? “Sure. Those were the only kids at the party who said ‘thank you’ when I handed out treats. They’re really polite.” (And this from a 15-year-old who was too shy to say thank you when she was 5 and really had to work at it!)
Even if children feel gratitude, they don’t automatically know to say thank you.
They need to be taught… and they need to see the same thing modeled by the important adults in their lives.
In four minutes or less, you can increase a child’s social skills level. After all, to move grateful feelings into creative expression is a skill… and skills take practice. The holidays are an ideal time to practice, with their added occasions to acknowledge hospitality and gifts.
In 4 minutes or less:
- Say thank you in person when you see them the next time. (Program a Reminder for yourself when you know that children are going to see the giver so that you can coach them on what to say.)
- Phone call
- Take a picture of the child using or wearing the gift and send to the giver’s smartphone with a few words of thanks attached.
- Template – Provide samples for a written Thank You but be wary of imposing your standards.
- Post card – Very fast when combined with a template
5-10 minutes:
- Video clip and text to the giver
- Acrostic of Thanks or Thank You
- Craft supplies – One dad said, “My favorite was one for my son’s friends who gave him art supplies, which he used to draw a panda on the thank you card, accompanied by ‘p.s. I drew a panda.’ ”
- Written note with template provided – and if you address the envelope, this drops to 4 minutes or less.
- Round robin – One card, paper or video in which the whole family adds their part
10-20 minutes:
- Written note
- Food – especially for hospitality (granola, gourmet spices)
- Paper chain – each family member writes on a link
Know your individual family members or friends:
- One mom says, “It’s funny how in some families it’s no big deal but for others not sending a thank you note is the equivalent of saying, ‘We didn’t give a damn about your gift!’”
- “What are you doing? You sent me a thank you card? We are sisters!” she said in an outraged tone. “Save that for the cousins. If you start sending them to me, I have to send them to you and it all gets out of control.”
Help your child make a good impression by insisting they learn various ways to say Thank You.
Sep 28, 2020 | Uncategorized
Ask yourself 5 questions as you weigh the pros and cons of what you tell your kids about your past. Author David Sheff (Beautiful Boy) writes, “It has to do with the relationship you have with your kids, and how open are they going to be with you, and how involved in their lives you are to perceive the struggles they’re having below the surface.”
- Is my child very likely to hear about my past from another source? If family members, friends or neighbors know about your past, there is a good chance your child will eventually hear about it too. Is it important that they hear it from you?
- Is there an uncomfortable secrecy in my family? Will your children feel empowered within your family from knowing what the others know? Will the initial upset they feel upon hearing it be less than the damaging effects of hiding secrets?
- Am I clear about my motives for doing this? Children respect parents who are honest with them, but you have the right to your privacy. If you don’t want to reopen old wounds, don’t feel obligated to do so. Will you be sharing from a place of free choice, self-imposed pressure, or outward compulsion?
- Have I made peace with myself [and my God] about my actions? “There are shameful things that parents feel, and they have to come to terms with that first,” says clinical social worker Eileen Bond. “Shame should not contaminate their response. And that requires reflection.” When making peace with past experiences, many people turn to a counselor, clergy person, chaplain, support group, or spiritual director. What are your resources for reflecting and processing toward a place of greater peace before discussing it with your children?
- Is my child judging and criticizing others? Older children are insightful enough to know you have things you aren’t proud of. How will your honesty make you more believable and approachable? What will be the reward for self-disclosure?
One mom was watching a talk show with her 12-year-old daughter and the topic of abortion came up.“ Those women must be awful,” my daughter said scornfully. “How could anyone kill a baby like that?”
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to tell my daughter about my own past. I offered a silent prayer, then burst into my story. “Those women aren’t necessarily awful,” I began. “Sometimes they’re simply trapped. I had an abortion when I was a teenager. I was young and scared, and I thought abortion was my only option.
My daughter was crushed. “She cried like a baby about my past. I felt terrible, but I knew I was right to tell her and I believe she won’t go on being judgmental toward women who’ve had abortions.”
Jul 7, 2020 | Uncategorized
How can we help children develop an internal moral compass– a conscience– but without the negative baggage that guilt brings? How can we help them not just have a change of actions, but a change of heart?
A change of heart is the realm of the spirit
Spiritual perspective has to do with whether guilt leads to sadness for what the child has done. Guilt is a healthy response to one’s own wrongdoing. When a criminal has been convicted, we watch to see if they feel remorse. When someone feels no guilt for obvious and severe wrongdoing, society considers them a sociopath.
As children get older, their conscience is what bothers them when they have done something wrong. Often it prompts them to right a wrong, make amends, or apologize… all of which promote personal and social health.
Is guilt ever helpful?
I would say yes–- when it comes from the internal guidance system inside us as opposed to being heaped on us from others. A child’s internal guidance system gets educated by watching role models exercising their moral code and from sacred writings of their faith.
- Focus on what the child can do differently next time.
- Agree that the behavior is wrong. Avoid judging the the child’s character.
- Deliver consequences with empathy.
- Clarify positive outcomes that result from stopping the wrong-doing and starting to act differently. The uncomfortable guilty feeling goes away, replaced by the internal joy felt from doing the right thing.
Jul 19, 2017 | Uncategorized
As children grow, we mark their progress in a number of ways. We mark their height on the wall. We post their report cards on our refrigerator. We place their most recent school photo on our mantel. As these milestones pass, we share our joy with our family and friends.
In the same way, we would like to share our joy with you as we mark a new milestone in our development.
Since our inception in 2013, Child-centered Spirituality has been focused on sharing content with our readers that is relevant and meaningful, creating opportunities for conversation on the topic of spirituality as it relates to children.
Child-centered Spirituality has grown since then, and we are now on our way toward publishing our first book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality.
Whether you are a parent, family member, teacher, mentor, or friend, you likely have opportunities in your “world” to encourage a child’s spirituality. By opening yourself up to their world — listening, asking questions, and sharing your insight — you honor the spirituality that already lives within them and helps them to establish their own sense of values and beliefs about themselves, others, and God.
Our blog, and our soon-to-be-released book, is geared to help you do just that.
Late last week you may have received an email notification from our site stating “Hello world!”
Although we didn’t expect that to be sent (thanks technology!), it has provided a perfect opportunity to re-introduce ourselves to you and invite you to explore our freshly updated website.
Read more about our new book and sign up to be one of the first to be notified when it is available here. As our thank you, you’ll receive our downloadable PDF “Why Childhood Spirituality Matters: Top five benefits for kids who are given opportunities to connect with God.”
Thank you for being a part of Child-centered Spirituality!
Janet
Jun 27, 2016 | Uncategorized
Set aside the natural tendency to lecture or say “I told you so” when a child makes a choice and finds out afterwards it wasn’t such a great one. Thinking about how the choices they make turn out in the end is an important part of decision-making.
Evaluating the results means that after all is said and done, kids stop and think about their choice:
- Was it a good one?
- Am I happy with the results?
- Would I do the same thing again in a similar situation?
Their answers to the questions above will direct us toward our next move:
- Celebrate the wise choices they made OR
- Learn good things from the unwise ones
Celebrate wise choices
Making wise choices is hard work, and children deserve to celebrate when they make one. They can:
- Tell someone in the family or text their best friend.
- Put a sign on their dog and parade him around the neighborhood.
- Write about it in their diary or journal.
- Hug somebody.
It’s especially important to celebrate when they chose to do something risky or new and it turned out well. Even if it was a little thing like cleaning their room without being told or not getting mad when they lost a game… don’t forget to celebrate!
Learn good things from unwise choices
Sometimes children realize they made a mistake. Making mistakes does not feel very comfortable, so they want to blame someone, throw a tantrum, withdraw and feel too ashamed to talk to anyone, or try to hide it by lying about it.
It is OK to say they made an unwise choice!
We can offer them the opportunity to talk about their choice and guide them to identify a more helpful choice for future situations. We’re looking to strengthen responses like these in the child:
- I didn’t make a very good choice that time. I’ll choose something different next time.
- Everyone makes mistakes once in a while.
- When you’re growing up, it takes time to learn how to make good decisions.
- Sometimes the only way we really learn is by making a choice and then finding out it wasn’t such a great one after all.
- I can ask for help because talking about my mistakes is the best way to learn from them.
These are grace-giving responses, and grace is a spiritual quality.
One of the greatest gifts we can give children is permission to make mistakes with the full assurance that we will not “go away” physically or emotionally. Grace is God’s way of giving us room to grow. It is the assurance that no matter what happens, all our imperfections are accepted. Grace is the antidote to shame, enabling us to see mistakes as opportunities to grow rather than opportunities for self-criticism.
The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take.
The C.H.O.O.S.E. tool takes time and practice to become a skill. The steps will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. But as you work through each step with the child, identifying options and choosing from among them becomes an automatic response to the situations they face each day.
Relax with it and have a good time together as you learn to C.H.O.O.S.E.!
(The CHOOSE tool was developed by my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy to share it.)
Tweetable:
- A great opportunity to help kids make wise choices happens after the choice has been made. Here’s why. Click to Tweet
- The choices we make from day to day set the direction our lives will take. A simple teaching tool here. Click to Tweet
Oct 13, 2014 | Uncategorized
Guilt is generally a negative term. It’s a feeling heaped on us by others that makes us feel bad and decreases our emotional health. Some of us also heap guilt upon ourselves. It weighs us down.
Is there ever a place for guilt?
Is it ever helpful? I would say yes– and I might consider renaming it “conscience” or “healthy guilt” when it comes from the internal guidance system inside us as opposed to being heaped on us from others.
A working moral compass makes children stronger
As children get older, their conscience is what bothers them when they have done something wrong. Often it prompts them to right a wrong, make amends, or apologize… all of which promote personal and social health.
There’s a place for sadness over what we have done
When a criminal has been convicted, we watch to see if they feel remorse– sadness for what they have done. That is guilt… a healthy response to one’s own wrongdoing. When someone feels no guilt for obvious and severe wrongdoing, society considers them a sociopath.
How can we help children develop an internal moral compass– a conscience– but without the negative baggage that guilt brings? How can we help them not just have a change of actions, but a change of heart?
I welcome ideas from readers as I am thinking through this issue.
Tweetable:
Is there such a thing as healthy guilt? Is there ever a place for guilt in childhood? Click to Tweet
The simple act of saying “Thank you” can dramatically impact people’s impression of you. It’s an important skill to teach children.
In four minutes or less, you can increase a child’s social skills level. After all, to move grateful feelings into creative expression is a skill… and skills take practice. The holidays are an ideal time to practice, with their added occasions to acknowledge hospitality and gifts.
