“Children carry family secrets. Their powers of observation add to the problem when they see, for example, one parent covering up for another or acting as if everything is okay when it obviously is not,” says author Linda Sibley. She continues…
Guideline #1: Tell children the truth.
In an effort to protect children from the painful side of life, family members often make the mistake of not talking to them about difficult family issues. Unfortunately, not talking to children about what is real does not protect them.
“Children always know…. They just don’t always know what they know.” –John Bradshaw
And when children know something is wrong and no one will talk to them about it at an age-appropriate level, they fill in the blanks for themselves. Their version will include distorted details.”
Truth sets free
In one of Jesus’ best known statements made to the people who believed in him, he declares: “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
In reality, it is much easier for children to deal with the real truth about family issues than with their made-up version of it. For adults, the toughest part of these conversations is separating the information that children need from our own emotional baggage.
Trust that Jesus was right and give kids the truth they need.
Keep it age-appropriate. Gain your own composure so that you aren’t mixing in your embarrassment, anger or fear.
Guide them toward one or two safe people to tell.
For years, I’ve been leading support groups where children share their concerns with kids their own age under the supervision of a trained facilitator. Parents report that the children feel less anxious and burdened down. Kids realize, often for the first time, that no family is perfect and that other kids have similar feelings and concerns.
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