Children believe in what they cannot see. They seek God. “It’s like there’s a homing device in each of my children,” a mother told me, “God looking to connect with my child as my child looks for God.” When we talk to a child early about God there is an automatic responsiveness.
By contrast, some adults have had negative experiences with religion being drilled into us and want to avoid doing that to others. Some of us feel that spirituality is deeply personal, so children should find their own way. Some of us have no firsthand experience with God and don’t really know what to say.
Our vantage point is different, like in photography.
A mother describes the morning her daughter held the camera, moving through the house clicking at everything she saw.
“Can you show them back to me now?” She holds the camera out to me. Her arm around my neck, we scroll through her photos on the glowing screen.
Frame of a table. A doorknob. A bookshelf skewed on a tilt. Yet her photos surprise, every single one. Why? It takes me a moment to make sense of it.
It’s the vantage point. At 36 inches, her angle is unfamiliar to me and utterly captivating–the study ceiling arches like a dome, her bed a floating barge. The stairs plunge like a gorge. She’s Alice in Wonderland, all the world grown Everest-like around and above her.” (Ann Voskamp)
It is far better to tell children about God, even if you have doubts of your own.
Something simple, like: You can’t see God but he can see you, and he loves you. He is very good and he wants you to have a good life. He hears you when you talk to him. That is called prayer.
Emphasize what God thinks of the child.
C.S. Lewis argued that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us–this relentlessly pursuing love, so bold.
Describe God’s nature. This blog’s Resource page has an video description of what I tell children about God. What can you say about God?
Tweetable: It’s more important to tell children what God thinks of them than how they should think of God. Click to Tweet
Living in the moment–one of the foundations of Buddhism. Life is richer when we savor the taste and texture of our meal or lose ourselves in the excitement of a watching a big game.
After the moment is gone, it becomes The Past but it keeps giving us its richness.
The past offers many gifts. It….
shapes my personality
teaches cause-and-effect
contains all of my life lessons
generates infinite gratitude
empowers me
inspires me
produces family traditions and special rituals
is the way out of fear and anxiety
causes me to trust
I talk about the past with children because they deserve all of these gifts.
The past produces family traditions and special rituals.
Start a conversation with, “Remember when we….” and feel the bond of a shared experience. Sometimes these particular memories lead to a new family tradition. One girl was thrilled to be taken out for “English high tea” for her fifth birthday. After reflecting on it with fondness, she asked her mom, “Maybe we could make it a birthday tradition?”
The past causes a child to trust.
Any child would burst with confidence to hear you say: “You used to be such a great helper with your baby brother when you were little; now you are a great babysitter!” Trust increases when children realize that they are important enough to you that you notice their strengths and their growth.
The past contains all of the child’s life lessons.
Sometimes we tell kids stories that are likely to heighten their consciousness of a life lesson: “You didn’t know how to bike to school safely by yourself when you were little and now you do.”
Life can only be understood backward; but it must be lived forward. Soren Kierkegaard
Note: When there’s significant pain in a child’s past, forgetting is a powerful defense mechanism. A child therapist can provide needed reinforcements to help children work through difficulties.
Tweetable: Live in the moment and after it is over, it becomes The Past and keeps giving us and our children its richness. Click to Tweet
My friends Laura and Mamitte (not their real names) were having coffee at Mamitte’s apartment while their 7-year-old boys and a neighbor boy played in the courtyard. Mamitte walked out to check on them and discovered that they had smashed a bunch of snails. She said to them, “Oh, I am so saddened by this,” and returned to the apartment to figure out, along with Laura, what to do about it.
What’s really important, they decided, is the greater lesson of how we treat creatures.
When both women went outside, the boys began to play “he said/she said” about who actually smashed and who watched. But Mamitte asked them if they were willing to gather the snails’ bodies and put them to rest in God’s earth. The boys said they were willing to participate.
They gathered the snails’ bodies.
As they did, they had time to process and look at what they had actually done. They then put the snails in the specified resting place.
Mamitte asked them if they wanted to say something.
Ethan said, “We ask God to forgive us for how we treated the snails.”
Raul said, “And forgive me for not protecting them.”
Logan sang a little song and said, “And that God would give them a home and love them in heaven.”
Then they all said Amen.
The moms decided to take it one step further.
Because the snails had been smashed all over a long bench in this courtyard where everyone sits, Mamitte got out rags and a cleaning solution to disinfect the bench and brought those out to the boys.
As they sat on the ground, scrubbing different parts of the bench, they bounced ideas back and forth to each other. It was all Mamitte and Laura could do to keep their mouths shut (a very important parenting skill).
The boys figure it all out on their own.
One says, “Gosh, I don’t want to be doing all this WORK right now. This is so much WORK and we could be playing.”
Another says, “Well, that’s what happens when we make bad choices.”
And as they’re going back and forth, the third boy says, “I. will. never. do. this. again.”
Those are the huge connections that we want–
They are experiencing the consequences of their actions.
The heart issue, the core of it, is that we shouldn’t treat other beings like that.
The two moms celebrated silently, standing behind the boys so they couldn’t see.
When they returned to their coffee cups in the apartment, they asked each other, “How did we do that—It worked so effectively?!”
Here’s what they came up with:
Our parenting was not reactive. Laura said, “My first instinct had been to take my son, rip him out of the courtyard, put him in the car and say, ‘Well, if you’re going to act that way over here, we can’t be over here.'”
We asked if they would be willing. Mamitte said to Laura, “When you approached them and stopped the bickering, you asked if they would be willing to gather the snails’ bodies. I was shocked, thinking, “I can’t believe she’s asking them because they aren’t going to do it.” And they all chose it! It wasn’t anything forced.
We found a teachable moment. Natural consequences are often the teachable moments. We guided them, we didn’t punish. We invited them to take responsibility to care for the snails’ bodies.
Tweetable: See how three boys increase in respect for all creatures at a memorial service for snails. Click to Tweet
One dad has been laying a spiritual foundation for his children based upon the truth about their higher power, as they understand it–God knows you, loves you and cares about you.
This dad shares his approach to helping his children know that they are known by God and loved by God. Notice how precisely his actions display the character of their higher power, combining emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence.
I make time when my kids want to discuss or emote on any part of their life.
I am creating space to be with them in what they are feeling and thinking. They can express what they’re experiencing and I don’t correct them. Sometimes I have to let go of what I think their outcome should be. Yet I am there to help them navigate out.
However, I also come to them when I am frustrated.
I’ve said out loud that it is hard for me not to get angry or that I’m probably not thinking clearly right now. Without burdening them with inappropriate adult details, I want to show them my emotional state, and how they can recognize their emotional state in what I am saying about mine.
In our interactions, I hope that my children are experiencing what they believe is true about their higher power:
There is a safety in coming to me with anything they feel or think. They won’t be corrected in how they feel. Because I make time and space to listen, I know my children, and I accept the fact that we have our differences, all the time loving and providing for them.
I am proud of their freedom to disagree intensely with people, be in direct conflict with people, but not feel personal offense and intense relational separation from them. They have the comfort of knowing that they are loved by God and us and they can love and respect those with whom they disagree.
How willing are you to share your internal world–including your upsets–with the children in your life?
Tweetable: Can adults display the character or nature of a child’s higher power? This dad gives it a try. Click to Tweet
Teens are by nature idealistic thinkers who desire meaning and purpose. They have begun looking around to see what others think and then to evaluate those ideas.
What does TV and popular culture tell us is the main goal of life? What do parents tell us is the main goal of life? What does their church-mosque-temple-etc. tell them is the main goal of life?
Most often, messages about purpose and meaning are not directly stated.
For instance, no TV show or movie I’m aware of says, “The main goal of life is romantic love.” But many make that statement indirectly.
Parents may say all manner of things, and their actions may or may not back up those stated beliefs: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
Saying one thing but meaning something else
Likewise, religious organizations may state one thing but indirectly communicate another. For example, the Westminster catechism (a common creed in Protestant circles) says, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” Yet a church that subscribes to this confession of faith may inadvertently communicate that the main purpose of life is to live a certain lifestyle by a certain set of rules.
Whether mixed messages come from religious institutions, parents, or popular culture, teens are adept at picking up on them quickly.
King Solomon’s great experiment
Try this reading assignment: You and a teen in your life agree to read the book of Ecclesiastes. Taken from ancient sacred writings, it records King Solomon’s great experiment to find meaning in life.
He tried riches, sexual gratification, great projects, education, and other routes to see what activities bring meaning and purpose in this life and what is meaningless—what Solomon calls “a chasing after the wind.”
It’s not a long reading assignment and can lead to some great discussions.
Tweetable: King Solomon’s great experiment to find meaning in life can lead to some great discussions with teens. Click to Tweet
A mother describes the morning her daughter held the camera, moving through the house clicking at everything she saw.It’s the vantage point. At 36 inches, her angle is unfamiliar to me and utterly captivating–the study ceiling arches like a dome, her bed a floating barge. The stairs plunge like a gorge. She’s Alice in Wonderland, all the world grown Everest-like around and above her.” (Ann Voskamp)
Living in the moment–one of the foundations of Buddhism. Life is richer when we savor the taste and texture of our meal or lose ourselves in the excitement of a watching a big game.
The past produces family traditions and special rituals.
The past causes a child to trust.
My friends Laura and Mamitte (not their real names) were having coffee at Mamitte’s apartment while their 7-year-old boys and a neighbor boy played in the courtyard. Mamitte walked out to check on them and discovered that they had smashed a bunch of snails. She said to them, “Oh, I am so saddened by this,” and returned to the apartment to figure out, along with Laura, what to do about it.
Mamitte asked them if they wanted to say something.
The boys figure it all out on their own.
When they returned to their coffee cups in the apartment, they asked each other, “How did we do that—It worked so effectively?!”
This dad shares his approach to helping his children know that they are known by God and loved by God. Notice how precisely his actions display the character of their higher power, combining emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence.
I am creating space to be with them in what they are feeling and thinking. They can express what they’re experiencing and I don’t correct them. Sometimes I have to let go of what I think their outcome should be. Yet I am there to help them navigate out.
Teens are by nature idealistic thinkers who desire meaning and purpose. They have begun looking around to see what others think and then to evaluate those ideas.
Try this reading assignment: You and a teen in your life agree to read the book of