Predicting a hopeful future blesses children

Their future brightens when we bless children with a sense of assurance that they have what it takes to accomplish their goals, to push through challenges and heartaches. We do this through acknowledgement of the child’s worth. We back it up with our own investment of time and presence to see it through.  I’ve heard one of my mentors, Becky Bailey, do this so well:

  • Of course you can pass the test next week. Let’s study together.
  • I know you’re scared, but you can do it. I believe in you.
  • That’s a great goal. Go for it!
  • Okay, the training wheels are off. I’ll be right beside you, but you can ride the bike alone.

John Trent summarizes the concept like this: “Words that picture a hope-filled future draw a child toward the warmth of genuine concern and fulfilled potential. Instead of leaving a child to head into a dark unknown, our words can illuminate a pathway lined with purpose.”

God’s hope-filled future

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster,  to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Ways to bless children right now with a hopeful future – Examples:

  1. Observed behavior: Sensitive.   Statement:   God has given you such a sensitive heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up helping a great many people.
  2. Observed behavior: Helpful.       Statement:   You are such a good helper. You’re going to be such a help to your family. OR You will help many people finish important projects because you are so helpful.
  3. Observed behavior: Good at math.    Statement:   You know that math better than I do. I think that’s great. You’ll pass tomorrow’s test with flying colors. You may become a research scientist or a chemist—and maybe change the course of the world.

Note: The concept of the blessing, along with some of the ideas under “Ways to bless children right now with a hopeful future,” are taken from John Trent’s book The Blessing. Becky Bailey’s ideas are found in her book, Conscious Discipline.

Tweetable: Their future brightens when we bless children with assurance that they have what it takes to succeed. Click to Tweet

 

Bless a child with the healing power of words

boy-covers-noseOne of my family’s weirder slogans or expressions  — Self-Praise Stinketh – came into being on account of me. As the story goes, I said so many nice things about myself that they shortened it to SPS to save their breath.  Later in life, I had to ask myself, “Why did I do that?  Why was I constantly affirming myself?”

It dawned on me

Although my family loved me, they did not often compliment me or praise my accomplishments.  When I talked to my mother about it much later in life, she said they didn’t want me to get a big head or grow up to be arrogant. But she also expressed regret and said she wished she had done it differently.

Even though a caregiver may do everything for the best of the children, providing for their needs and more, showering them with gifts– the child will experience a void unless the caregiver’s actions are accompanied by spoken words of acknowledgement.

What are our hindrances to spoken blessings?

Sometimes, it’s fear. We might fear saying the wrong things. We might fear the reaction our words will bring: rejection, embarrassment, doubt, laughter or misunderstanding.

Ironically, for many parents, it is busyness – the countless loving things parents do for their kids – getting in the way of meaningfully saying the words.  Kids need to hear us say the words too.

We can learn this skill.

elem-class-teacherEducator Dr. Becky Bailey suggests five categories of what we might notice in children daily–at times like when they leave for school in the morning, before practice or rehearsal in the afternoon, at supper, before bedtime. This week, say words that:

  1. Affirm and approveCody, you held the door for Grandma. That was helpful.
  2. Commend and complimentAt the game I noticed how you were looking up while you were dribbling and passing the ball. Great game.
  3. Specifically speak love and affectionWith a song you make up, “Good morning, good morning, how are you today? I love you, I love you, I love you today.”
  4. Invoke hope and self-confidenceShayna, you planned the tasks involved in making that diorama. That took organizational skills. You have them.
  5. Answer pain and disappointment with support and faithI can imagine you feel embarrassed and deeply hurt by what was said. I heard Taylor say some very hurtful things to you. Go tell Taylor “I don’t appreciate being called names.”

Note: The concept of the blessing is taken from John Trent’s book The Blessing. Dr. Bailey’s examples are found in her book Conscious Discipline.

Tweetable:

  • Loving acts parents do for kids can get in the way of passing on encouraging words they need to hear. Click to Tweet
  • Bless children with the healing power of words. Go here for practical examples you can use right away. Click to Tweet

 

Spirituality in adolescence: not what but how

teens rugbyYoung people raised with moral or religious principles and practices typically arrive at adolescence ready to find answers to a questions like “How do I know and experience and be ‘right’ with God? How should that look different for me than it does for my parents?”
After all, the faith they have now cannot be the faith they had when they were 4 or 8 or 10.

Nor will it be their faith when they’re 21 or 48 or 83. Faith is a force that will continue to develop and mature over the course of a lifetime, and sometimes it needs to change in order to continue to invigorate and sustain people as they enter different stages of their own development.

Show them how

teen girl wonderingSo how– now in their teens– can you show the kids in your life how to experience and navigate a relationship with God? Here are some thoughts I have… feel free to adapt them for your own use.

  • Explain “relationship” with God as an internal conversation that includes questions, doubts, heart longings/prayers. God is big enough to handle it all.
  • Ask them questions… and really listen to their answers.
  • Do NOT pretend you have it all together and do NOT pretend you know everything. They will know you are lying.
  • Open up to share appropriately (less is more) when you’re going through something that life throws at you and how you experience God in that situation.
  • Confirm that a relationship with God is a good idea, even when you don’t know all the answers. Open dialogue is good.
  • Invite them to come along with you when you’re doing community service… or just doing something nice for others. Making a meal for someone who just had a baby is a tangible way of showing the love of God. Make that connection.
  • Don’t major on the minors. When kids get sidetracked on minor points of doctrine and belief, try to call their attention back to the main points and general principles.

“But I’m not a religious person.”

if you don’t think of yourself as having spiritual awareness, ask trusted family friends whose spiritual life you respect to stand in for you. Meanwhile, communicate positive intent toward God and faith, much like divorced couples who have learned it is best for the children to speak positively of the other parent, though they personally feel quite differently.

The evidence confirms the value of faith to young people.

Studies of religiousness/spirituality have found a positive correlation with an adolescent sense of well-being, positive life attitudes, altruism, resiliency, school success, health and positive identity, as well as a negative correlation with alcohol and drug use, delinquency, depression, excessive risk-taking and early sexual activity.

Their questions are deeper than we think.

teen boy 1“A number of years ago I overheard my then teenage son discussing with his friends the origin of AIDS. Not how AIDS developed…. rather they were arguing why — a deep spiritual question. Was this disease a simple development of nature? A cosmic punishment? Or even a divine opportunity for compassion?

The conversation surprised me,” said Dr. Ken Doka. “I was confounded by the intensity of the debate. I should not have been. We often fail to acknowledge the intense spirituality that underlies adolescence. It’s a spiritual time of development, complete with idealism and questions of identity and meaning.

Tweetable: The faith adolescents have now cannot be the faith they had when they were 4 or 8 or 10. Here’s why. Click to Tweet

 

Look at a child’s self-talk to help unstick anxiety or depression

teen girl-in-thoughtWhen bad things happen, children feel sad, angry or worried.  But what they tell themselves about what happened makes a big difference.

When self-talk contributes to a child’s anxiety

At the core of anxiety is the child’s fear of what is going to happen in the future, compounded by the accompanying self-talk.

  • My parents will get a divorce. (I won’t have a real family anymore.)
  • There’s going to be a shooting at my school. (The world is a scary place to live. More bad things happen than good things.)
  • I have to give a report in front of the whole class. (I can’t do it. It’s too hard for me.)
  • My best friend will move away. (If I lose my best friend, I’ll never have another best friend again!)

12yearold boy2When self-talk contributes to a child’s depression

Depression is about the past. At the core of depression is the loss of something dear, with the accompanying messages the child gives himself.

  • Someone in my family became addicted to alcohol or drugs. (If I’m very good–or careful or funny–I can keep them from drinking too much.)
  • My mother lost her job. (This is the worst thing that could have happened, and it is terrible and awful.)
  • Kids at school made fun of me. (No one cares about me. It’s all my fault.)
  • Someone I love died. (Life will never be good again. I’m incapable of keeping the relationships I really want.)

4 actions we can take toward unsticking their self-talk

Action #1 – Any time the child appears to be overly anxious or depressed, ask the child to tell you what he is thinking about or telling himself. Listen for self-talk lies in their response. Check with the child to see if you understood clearly. Acknowledge the child’s response, BUT……

Action #2 —  Give them new phrases to use. Help the child reject the faulty conclusions they’ve drawn. As soon as you hear them repeating the misbeliefs, stop and help the child argue against them. Hand them phrases to use. Say to the child:

  • “Tell yourself, ‘It’s not true that I can’t do anything right'” or
  • “Tell yourself, ‘Stop! I’m not going to tell myself this lie anymore!'”

Action #3 – This is perhaps the hardest part, but we cannot help children get rid of the lies in their self-talk until they replace the lies with the truth. Again, give them the words to use, maybe something like this:

  • Lie: I’m too fat (short, ugly). Truth: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Mine is my own and I will make it the best it can be by caring for it properly.
  • Lie:  I’ll never fit in at this new school. Truth: It’s hard to say good-bye to my old school and friends, but I will make new friends and have good times here, too.
  • Lie: I’ll just die if my mom starts dating again. Truth: It’s okay to feel sad and worried, but it’s not okay to get stuck there.

Action #4 – What says CELEBRATION! to the child? Stop and do it with her she when she succeeds in establishing positive self-talk:

  • “The truth is everyone has things they are good at and things that are hard for them. Reading is hard for me, so I will just have to work harder at reading. Plus, it’s true that it always okay to ask for help when I need it, so if I need extra help, I’ll ask my teacher or parents”.
  • ”With the help of the people who love me (and God’s help) I can get through anything.”

(I learned these actions from Linda Sibley.)

Tweetable:

  • Focus on a child’s self-talk for clues about how to lessen anxiety and depression. Click to Tweet
  • When bad things happen, children feel upset, but what they tell themselves about what happened makes the difference. Click to Tweet

3 ways to cheer up a child: self-talk

child with rabbitsJayaram V. observes, “[Self-talk] is your inseparable twin with which you have to live the rest of your life.” (writing on Hinduwebsite.com) We cheer up the children in our life when we show them how to ensure that their inseparable twin is affirming and truthful.

grandmother1st way to cheer up a child: We are in this together

For one week, speak freely about your self-talk. Say out loud what you’re telling yourself in your head, especially if it’s negative (keeping it age appropriate, obviously). Invite them to tell you when you either are not taking responsibility for your own behavior by blaming someone else, OR assuming responsibility for something that is not your fault.

Simultaneously call your kids’ attention to times they are doing the same thing. There is huge relief for children in shared experience.

2nd way to cheer up a child: You have the power to reject your lies

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” (Dr. Seuss)

In other words, the child gets to choose not to believe the myths anymore. Rejecting their lies is a conscious choice they make. They are the boss of their thoughts. This is great news!

3rd way to cheer up a child: Replace the lies with affirmations

teen girl01To reject certain statements as lies without replacing them with truth can send children into chaos: “If this is not true, what is?”

With pieces of their belief system missing, they don’t know who they are, what they’re supposed to do, or how things are supposed to work.

Ask questions that lead the child to reality: “Was it even your fault you weren’t at soccer practice? …. What was true?” Saying things out loud lets you listen to what you’re saying. Taking responsibility for failures comes easier when we’re open about it.

Spiritual affirmations

These affirmations can be adapted for your family’s values and beliefs.

  • I am important to God. God gives me the power to make a difference.
  • Some things are my fault and some are not. God helps me know the difference.
  • With the help of God and the people who love me, I can get through anything.
  • I can tell myself the truth. God can help me handle my anger in safe and healthy ways.
  • I cannot lose God’s love.
  • I am God’s child.
  • I am secure in God’s hand. Nothing I could ever do will ever make God let go of me.
  • I have a purposeful future. God has a good plan for my life.
  • I can trust God to guide me, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.

Games and conversation starters

For games and conversation starters to change negative self-talk and have fun doing it, go here.

Tweetable:

  • These suggested spiritual affirmations can give children a foundation for positive self-talk. Click to Tweet
  • Practical actions we can take to challenge a child’s misinterpretations in their self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet