Last week’s post detailed three ideas to help a child discover, develop and actively pursue the tasks that they love to do.
Action Item #1 – Ask kids what work they like to do
Action Item #2 – Guess and try something
Action Item #3 – Ask teachers, coaches, friends and family what they observe
Action Item #4 – Let children quit
Although we often think otherwise, there is actually great value in failure. Failure allows children to rule out a job they don’t enjoy, freeing them to try something else. Not every child needs to be a violinist.
One preteen girl seemed to enjoy sewing with her grandmother, who was an accomplished seamstress. Whenever her grandmother came to visit from out of town, they worked on projects together.
During the next year, for birthdays and holidays, the grandmother would send sewing supplies and gear as gifts for her granddaughter. However, the mom noticed that the girl didn’t sew when her grandmother wasn’t in town. When the girl opened a sewing machine for Christmas, she observed to her parents, “I think grandma thinks I like sewing more than I do.”
It turns out she enjoyed the togetherness of working on a project with her grandmother, not the sewing as an end in itself.
Action Item #5 – Keep a work/task record for the child
Every parent I know has folders, boxes or digital files of their child’s school work in storage—pictures, stories, projects, poems, hand prints in tempera paint.
Why not keep a file of the jobs, tasks, hobbies the child tried? We have those pictures, but they aren’t separated from the rest of the family photos.
Be intentional. Write down what they love to do and file it away for the child. It might be strategic in choosing a college major someday because a work record makes it possible to see patterns in their childhood experiences.
Action Item #6 – Use their birthday card or baby journal to record milestones
Birthday card
Start giving a child a birthday card each year as a way to record significant developments. By the age of 18 children have forgotten most of their childhood birthday gifts, but a yearly record of who they are, what jobs they loved to do, what they dreamed about, and what motivated them—this helps them find their purpose and see their real self.
They can reread it in times of adolescent angst or in the tough decision about what to do after high school.
So as the birthday nears, look at pictures, your calendar and in your child’s home file to recall and summarize anything that brought purpose and meaning to their life that year.
Baby journal
Another option is to keep a “baby journal” for a child. Every month or so, pull out the journal and write a paragraph or two about what the child was like at six months old, at 2 years old, at 5 years old.
What were their interests? What did they enjoy? What jobs were they good at? What fun stories can you write down from this season of their life? You’ll be amazed at the continuity of the patterns you’ll see over time.
You’ll also be amazed at how delighted your teenager will be to receive and read such a gift.
Next week: Find and build motivation
Tweetable: Ideas for 2 very special gifts for a teen. Not expensive but something only a few people can give them. Click to Tweet
This boy’s joyful attitude about work is the norm for young children. He sees the connection between his work and a greater purpose. He delights in being helpful.
As children get older, does it seem that many of them lose the joy?
Chores and work are not the same thing
It’s fair to say that chores build a child’s character and instill belonging within the family unit or classroom. Work calls forth the child’s talents, aptitudes, feelings, intelligence and traits. Work builds purpose and meaning into their life. How do we help children experience meaningful work?
Action Item #1 – Ask kids what work they like to do
Start with one of those tasks and participate with them so that you can see and hear the genuine delight expressed by the child. Your goal is to find work that brings them genuine delight.
When my foster child and I were in the car together, she noticed every homeless person we passed and frequently said softly out loud: “Oh poor thing.” As we talked about homelessness, we came up with an idea.
We worked together to purchase nonperishable items and she filled brown bags to keep in the car so she could pass the bags out the window when she was so moved. She was excited every time she was able to deliver another bag and she told me when we needed to make more.
In another example, my family drove seven hours to take a tour of a training center for guide dogs because my preteen sister loved training her pets. My parents wanted to give her some hands-on experience and exposure to this kind of work. (As an adult she was involved with greyhound rescue.)
Action Item #2 – Guess and try something
“Paul Bennett, the chief creative officer at a global design firm, traces his identity as a designer to the day when his father, Jim, a former military pilot, brought home The Golden Hands Encyclopedia of Crafts. Jim then spent the next two years sitting with his son, making macramé and knitting God’s eyes [yarn weavings], so that sensitive little kid could explore his talent and find his confidence.”
Action Item #3 – Ask teachers, coaches, friends and family what they observe
At parent-teacher conference, ask the teacher: What tasks is my child happiest doing? One father heard this response from his son’s teacher: Your son is always telling us sports statistics. He is happiest doing math. I wonder if his above average math skills are due in part to his passion for sports stats.”
Ask the same question periodically of extended family members. Invite trusted friends who are retired to spend time working with the child on a project of mutual interest. Many retirees stay in their own world until they are asked. When people are asked to volunteer and help out, they typically do.
Next week, three more action items for us to help children become mindful of the work they enjoy, leading toward an adult life of happiness and purpose.
Tweetable: Three action items for you – children who become mindful of the work they enjoy now have an advantage later. Click to Tweet
“Nothing affects the environment of a childso much as the unlived life of a parent”. –Carl Jung
I saw that quote in Laurie Beth Jones’ book, The Path. Ms Jones gave permission to use her ideas in this post.
Where or how do you see your “unlived life” played out in your relationship with your child?
Use this exercise to help you take time to gather your thoughts– maybe write them down.
1. Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents’ (and other key relatives) unlived lives? Their dreams? Some people may not know. Perhaps their parents never spoke about having dreams. For example, did your parents think that people don’t deserve dreams? Or that such things are not meant to be shared? Or that you never cared enough to ask? Or that your parents didn’t trust you enough to share their deepest thoughts with you?
How has this affected your life?
Your own dreams
3. What are your dreams for your life? What is your unlived life? If you do not know, why do you think that is so?
Your child’s future
4. How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children?
Now go and ask your children, “What are your dreams for yourself? What do you love to do?”
Action steps
Pay close attention to whatever information you gather about the child’s desires or talents. What action steps do you want to take in order to increase your support for the child’s unique potential?
Next week: The gift of boredom
Tweetable: How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children? Click to Tweet
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what they want from us. “Get married,” “Make money,” “Buy your own home.” We usually forget when and how we first received these messages about what we’re supposed to do with our lives, just as we forget when and how we learned to eat with a fork. —Barbara Sher
Think about the messages the children in your life are receiving.
Some kids are groomed from pre-Kindergarten to get into an Ivy League college. Their parents have decided that’s what success is– plus it gives them significant bragging rights to be used against other parents.
But Stanford last year accepted only 4% of its applicants. Most of those who applied met enough of the qualifications to think they had a chance at getting in, but the vast majority didn’t. What’s the result?
A setup for failure
96% of the kids who applied– primarily kids who are not used to failure– failed. What do they do then? We may have prepared them for the Ivy League, but we haven’t prepared them for failure. And failure is actually an important part of life.
Maybe this particular example doesn’t apply to you. You’ve never put such unrealistically high expectations on your daughter. You just want her to grow up, get married, have kids, and be happy.
But again– what if that’s your dream, not your daughter’s dream?
What if she would rather move to New York to be an actress than move to the suburbs to be a mom? How will you handle that?
Barbara Sher says, “Parents have their own dreams and it’s those dreams they’re pushing, not the child’s. In their heads, they have images of successful sons and daughters…children who are impressive—and secure.
“Very few parents have… the calmness of spirit to realize that the most practical thing any child can do is to find their own vision—and follow it.”
We need to disentangle our own goals– and our own identities– from those of the children in our lives. They are different people than we are and they are on a different journey than we have been on.
How okay is that with you?
Next week: Parents’ unfulfilled goals and a child’s future
Tweetable: A discussion here about the need to disentangle a child’s goals from our goals and identity for them. Click to Tweet
Whenever I pack my suitcase for a trip, I check the weather at my destination and keep in mind the activities I will do there. Then I lay out my clothes on the bed and when I’m satisfied that I didn’t forget anything, they go into the suitcase. Generally speaking, I know what I will need.
But what about packing for children?
Most of them are not nearly as organized. And those who will be later in life aren’t developmentally ready to pack their own suitcases yet.
In this series on life purpose, we’re looking specifically at their journey toward meaning and happiness.
Fortunately, we have concrete data provided to us by the children themselves. Their blueprint—their abilities, strengths, talents, purpose, divine connection, subject matter they like working with, way of relating to others, and more—is within them already. These give us important clues about what they will need packed in their suitcases on their journeys toward meaning and happiness.
In order to know what they will need, we’ve been watching them since birth with an eye toward discovering their innate gifts and passions and potential. For instance, what can you see in the examples below?
A nine-year-old girl climbs higher up into the tree than any of the other dozen or so children at the party in the park. She nimbly climbs way up into the thin branches and then shouts joyfully down to make sure the adults are paying attention and acknowledging her progress.
What do you know about this girl– just based on two sentences? What talents and skills does she possess? What kind of affirmation is she (literally in this case) asking for? What does she not naturally see on her own?
A six-year-old boy has been dragged around to big event after big event because all of his extended family is in town for a wedding. He doesn’t say much, but watches carefully. Finally, after discovering that he has yet another gathering to attend, he bursts into tears and cannot stop crying. His parents make an unscheduled stop at a library to give him time to sit in a quiet corner and read.
What do you know about this boy? What would you guess has been going on inside his head? How could you encourage him to process all of his observations? What are his parents teaching him about self-care?
Based upon your knowledge of the children, what do we pack so they have what they need to find purpose and happiness?
Lessons and coaching
Experiences and activities
Tools and materials
Individuals and groups
Self awareness and self care
Knowledge and wisdom
For example, the girl may need lessons in caution. She may also need to be given a wider berth of experiences and activities to play to her strengths. The boy may need “permission” to practice regular time alone to take care of himself. He may also need a creative outlet for processing all of his observations.
Knowing the uniquenesses of the children helps you pack the right items in their suitcases–the ones they will need on their journey.
Next week: Be aware of your dream to raise impressive children
Tweetable: What are we packing for our child’s journey toward meaning and happiness? Find six essentials here.Click to Tweet
“Nothing affects the environment of a child so much as the unlived life of a parent”. –
Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents’ (and other key relatives) unlived lives? Their dreams? Some people may not know. Perhaps their parents never spoke about having dreams. For example, did your parents think that people don’t deserve dreams? Or that such things are not meant to be shared? Or that you never cared enough to ask? Or that your parents didn’t trust you enough to share their deepest thoughts with you?
4. How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children?
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what 
family is in town for a wedding. He doesn’t say much, but watches carefully. Finally, after discovering that he has yet another gathering to attend, he bursts into tears and cannot stop crying. His parents make an unscheduled stop at a library to give him time to sit in a quiet corner and read.