Oct 27, 2014 | Nurture
When I visit my mother in her care facility, I see how children lift the spirits of the elderly. I’ve put bold type on a couple of ideas a friend of mine used with her own daughter’s visits:
I used to pick up my daughter every Wednesday from kindergarten and make the hour-long trek to see my father-in-law at his nursing home. I also went to the library in the larger town, shopped at Costco, and ran other errands during those Wednesdays. Sometimes I even brought other children with me.
I dressed my daughter in a cute outfit, often a frilly dress, and encouraged her to think of something to tell her grandfather.
On Halloween, she went in costume.
I saw this as a win-win situation on several fronts
My father-in-law got a visit from a sweet girl who loved him, was happy to bestow kisses and even sit on his lap.
The other residents of the home got to see a pleasant child who always brought something clever with her:
- The latest kindergarten project that I didn’t want. (I took pictures of great projects and kept those. Carolyn freely gave them away. Who can forget the time she showed up on Abraham Lincoln’s birthday wearing a top hat made out of construction paper? All her “fans” in the home told her how adorable she was.)
- Flowers or a piece of nature. My daughter was great with dandelions.
- A balloon. (Who would have thought of that? The last belly laugh I got out of my father-in-law came from batting the balloon with Carolyn.)
My daughter learned that people are worth visiting and not to be afraid of the elderly or those in wheelchairs.
She grew up to work in a nursing home in college and took her sweet nature for the patients with her. Once she even took time to discuss a woman’s weightier questions about life and death and eternity as a result of not being afraid.
Tweetable: An elderly friend or family member might appreciate a visit from your children in their Halloween costumes. Click to Tweet
Oct 13, 2014 | Uncategorized
Guilt is generally a negative term. It’s a feeling heaped on us by others that makes us feel bad and decreases our emotional health. Some of us also heap guilt upon ourselves. It weighs us down.
Is there ever a place for guilt?
Is it ever helpful? I would say yes– and I might consider renaming it “conscience” or “healthy guilt” when it comes from the internal guidance system inside us as opposed to being heaped on us from others.
A working moral compass makes children stronger
As children get older, their conscience is what bothers them when they have done something wrong. Often it prompts them to right a wrong, make amends, or apologize… all of which promote personal and social health.
There’s a place for sadness over what we have done
When a criminal has been convicted, we watch to see if they feel remorse– sadness for what they have done. That is guilt… a healthy response to one’s own wrongdoing. When someone feels no guilt for obvious and severe wrongdoing, society considers them a sociopath.
How can we help children develop an internal moral compass– a conscience– but without the negative baggage that guilt brings? How can we help them not just have a change of actions, but a change of heart?
I welcome ideas from readers as I am thinking through this issue.
Tweetable:
Is there such a thing as healthy guilt? Is there ever a place for guilt in childhood? Click to Tweet
Oct 6, 2014 | Direction
Our rules for children are tools we use to protect them from the damage that results from violating natural law. Until they grow up to understand and incorporate moral laws into their own minds and hearts, they need our rules.
Children easily see how violations of the physical law of gravity will injure them if they’ve jumped off a wall that’s too high, but perhaps have a more difficult time seeing how breaking moral laws will weaken their reason and conscience. They need our help in forming their internal guidance system.
Adults understand the universal laws that govern life,
like the laws of justice or gravity or liberty–laws that are both natural and moral. We know that these laws are not arbitrary–violations of these principles bring destruction in their wake.
Isn’t that why we start with simple rules when children are young?
Your 3-year-old knows he must brush his teeth before bedtime each night and that is because you understand the law behind the rule (the second law of thermodynamics which states that things tend toward disorder). If your child doesn’t brush his teeth, they will decay. You insist on instilling this habit because you know what cavities can lead to, even though he does not.
As children mature we help them understand the reasons for the rules.
We communicate verbally and non-verbally that we are most concerned about how breaking moral laws degrades the mental faculties that recognize and respond to good.
At a time when the Buddha was teaching his son Rahula to live a life of integrity, the eight-year-old told a deliberate lie. Nearby was a bowl with very little water left in it. The Buddha asked, “Rahula, do you see the small quantity of water left in the bowl?” “Yes,” replied Rahula. “As little as this,” the Buddha said, “is the spiritual life of someone who is not ashamed at telling a deliberate lie.”
Tweetable:
Children need our help in forming their internal guidance system. Click to Tweet
Sep 29, 2014 | Nurture
These timely observations were made by a man I interviewed about childhood spirituality. Notice that he gives credit to religious parents who step back from their own religious style and methods, but not from their beliefs and convictions. They allow children to express their growing spirituality in ways that are different from the parents.
Ethics and values and religious education can be imbued to a child.
But each child possesses a distinct style of negotiating his or her way through the world that has not been shaped by parenting or churching. And I think some of these innate personality traits may facilitate or fetter a person’s desire to seek a spiritual realm.
I guess what I mean is that some children are going to see the angels and some aren’t.
The ones that don’t can still experience the fullness of God’s love—but are less likely to experience grand epiphanies, raptures, startling leaps into the divine.
The voice of God is a brash symphony for some that sways their every step—for others it is a whisper, less of a force and more of a companion. I think each child will hear the voice differently and its timbre is unmodulated by parents or environments.
The voice of God is a brash symphony for some that sways their every step–for others it is a whisper, less of a force and more of a companion.
Tweetable: Each child will hear the voice of God differently, unmodulated by parents or environments. Click to Tweet
Aug 18, 2014 | Direction
My interviews reveal that after, “Who is God?” the next most common question kids ask concerns how we know God is there. They ask, “Why can’t I see God?” “How do we know who God is if we can’t see him?” “Where is he and how can you prove it?”
Below is a possible response to that question in a child’s vocabulary.
Observe the results.
God is invisible. Gravity, oxygen, electricity, and love are also invisible. You know God is there the same way you know that any invisible thing is there: you observe the results of its presence. It’s like feeling the wind on your cheek. You can’t see the wind itself, but you can see its effects. It’s similar with electricity: unplug your refrigerator, full of food, come back in a week and open the door. You will smell what happens when invisible electricity is cut off!
Read firsthand reports.
Even if you are not able to observe results for yourself, you can test the presence of an invisible substance from reports of others who have firsthand knowledge. You can determine if they’re credible, like astronauts who have been to places where there is no oxygen. Those astronauts report that they were unable to breathe on the moon, yet they can breathe on Earth because of oxygen’s invisible presence.
Apply these tests yourself.
Apply these tests to prove to yourself that God is really there: First, observe for yourself the results of his presence. Perhaps you can think of a time when you were challenged by a big obstacle and you knew you needed someone to help you. God was willing to be that someone. You prayed to God and you did not feel alone. You observed that God was guiding you through the obstacles by supporting you. Second, test whether God is really there by reading and listening to reports of people who have firsthand knowledge of God.
With these two ideas, an adult can provide for a child’s spiritual needs with increased confidence.
Tweetable:
Finally, two concrete ways to help your child answer for herself, “How do I know God is there if I can’t see God? Click to Tweet
