Sep 26, 2016 | trust
Recently I was with a friend and her grandchildren for lunch at an open-air market, followed by a visit to a museum. The girls knew they were going to get a souvenir of our adventure together.
At the market, 8-year-old Sasha wanted a package of stars that glow in the dark. Her grandmother reminded her that she could get one souvenir, and that the museum had a great gift shop. Sasha insisted on getting the stars.
Of course, later at the museum store I walked with Sasha who began choosing from the array of wonderful items to buy, disappointed that she already had her souvenir. “That’s difficult,” I said, “what would have helped you make a better choice?” And we chatted about what she plans to do next time.
The right kind of trouble teaches how to handle frustration when the world doesn’t go your way.
Trouble helps children develop endurance. Endurance develops strength of character. Character strengthens our confident hope and this hope will not lead to disappointment. So it is exactly these teachable moments in which we want to be fully present with children.
Remain mindful—so that we stay connected. Be clear–so that we are spiritual navigators, teaching and modeling right speech, good intention, right action.
Notice and label when you are having trouble.
Brooke Brogle shares her experience:
She said to her young children: “I am having trouble! I have tried three times to fix the vacuum and it is just not working! I am going to take a break. I will come back and try when I am feeling calmer.”
Guide young children through their frustrations.
“You seem so frustrated! I see that you have been trying to build that tower and it keeps falling down! Let’s have a snack and then try again together.”
At 19, a young woman completing her high school education had these wise words.
“I am thankful for every bad choice I ever made and every person put in my path to give me a hard time. I made many mistakes, but those same mistakes have made the person I am today. Life isn’t easy but it is worth fighting for.”
Tweetable: The right kind of trouble helps children develop endurance and endurance leads to strength of character. Click to Tweet
Sep 6, 2016 | Nurture
Is performing arts a passion for one of the kids in your life? Here’s an idea that may make sense to them as they continue to develop their spiritual life.
Be God’s understudy.
God’s understudy–learning, listening, practicing so we can stand in for God in the world around us. Say yes to continually learning your part and be ready at a moment’s notice to stand in for God.
What does that look like in daily life?
That might mean protecting someone being bullied at school, helping an elderly neighbor with yard work, or being careful to throw trash away rather than on the ground. It is living out two of the general moral rules we learn:
Amid the diversity and magnificence of nature, we have work to do, and that is to take care of the oceans, of plants and animals, and of people, as we have opportunity.
What similarities do you see to being a theatre understudy?
- Rehearsal does not exist. “You are responsible to know the role whether or not you get to do it on its feet. You have no other option than to live in the moment,” says Broadway understudy Bret Shuford.
- It feels a bit like skydiving. Shuford continues, “Especially the first performance you go on, it’s a rush like nothing you’ve ever experienced. The scariest part is taking the first leap, but remember a beautiful, loving, cast and crew will always be there support you. You will surprise some people at what you’re able to accomplish in the role, and you may even surprise yourself.”
- Imitation is the highest form of flattery–sort of. An understudy has to replicate what the original star is doing, to a degree. “You have to honor the performance of the actor you’re covering,” explains Merwin Foard, who has covered 30 actors in 16 Broadway shows. “You don’t want to mimic… but you want to bring your own version of [the role] to life.”
Challenging things, bad things, happen to the people around us.
Trouble and hardship are part of living. But faith means trusting that the God of heaven and earth loves us, walks with us, and sustains us through troubles. As God’s understudies, we hang in there with other people to make life more bearable, more livable and more joyful.
Tweetable: Our world could use more people who, like theatre understudies, stand in for God, in everyday life. Read more. Click to Tweet
Know any performing arts students who are spiritual? They may like the metaphor of being God’s understudy. Click to Tweet
Aug 15, 2016 | Nurture
Jayaram V. observes, “[Self-talk] is your inseparable twin with which you have to live the rest of your life.” (writing on Hinduwebsite.com) We cheer up the children in our life when we show them how to ensure that their inseparable twin is affirming and truthful.
1st way to cheer up a child: We are in this together
For one week, speak freely about your self-talk. Say out loud what you’re telling yourself in your head, especially if it’s negative (keeping it age appropriate, obviously). Invite them to tell you when you either are not taking responsibility for your own behavior by blaming someone else, OR assuming responsibility for something that is not your fault.
Simultaneously call your kids’ attention to times they are doing the same thing. There is huge relief for children in shared experience.
2nd way to cheer up a child: You have the power to reject your lies
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” (Dr. Seuss)
In other words, the child gets to choose not to believe the myths anymore. Rejecting their lies is a conscious choice they make. They are the boss of their thoughts. This is great news!
3rd way to cheer up a child: Replace the lies with affirmations
To reject certain statements as lies without replacing them with truth can send children into chaos: “If this is not true, what is?”
With pieces of their belief system missing, they don’t know who they are, what they’re supposed to do, or how things are supposed to work.
Ask questions that lead the child to reality: “Was it even your fault you weren’t at soccer practice? …. What was true?” Saying things out loud lets you listen to what you’re saying. Taking responsibility for failures comes easier when we’re open about it.
Spiritual affirmations
These affirmations can be adapted for your family’s values and beliefs.
- I am important to God. God gives me the power to make a difference.
- Some things are my fault and some are not. God helps me know the difference.
- With the help of God and the people who love me, I can get through anything.
- I can tell myself the truth. God can help me handle my anger in safe and healthy ways.
- I cannot lose God’s love.
- I am God’s child.
- I am secure in God’s hand. Nothing I could ever do will ever make God let go of me.
- I have a purposeful future. God has a good plan for my life.
- I can trust God to guide me, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.
Games and conversation starters
For games and conversation starters to change negative self-talk and have fun doing it, go here.
Tweetable:
- These suggested spiritual affirmations can give children a foundation for positive self-talk. Click to Tweet
- Practical actions we can take to challenge a child’s misinterpretations in their self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet
Aug 1, 2016 | Nurture
Happiness is a funny thing–Is it even possible to be happy all the time? Where do we find the right people or things to make us happy more often? Are any of the children in your life growing up with the impression that life (or God) owes them happiness?
Children’s statements reflect their beliefs about happiness and become their self-talk.
- “If __ hadn’t happened, I’d be happy now.”
- “Other people’s lives are happier than mine.”
- If I just had __ I’d be happy.”
- If I don’t have __, I will never be happy.”
Raise awareness
They don’t realize that their focus has turned to the things they don’t have. While it’s obvious to us that loving relationships and basic needs being met will increase enjoyment of life, children may not yet understand that these don’t produce happiness. We can help them see that they set themselves up for disappointment when they depend on external sources for their happiness.
Change self-talk to get unstuck
- “Happiness is about who I am, not about what I have–or don’t have–in my life.”
- Other people’s lives have more unhappiness than I know about. We all have stress and troubles. That’s normal.”
The role of spirituality in a child’s happiness
There’s a place in each child’s being, typically referred to as the soul or heart or human spirit. When children become aware of God’s presence in that space, some find inner stability, which helps them hold onto hope…. like this girl in a domestic violence Safe Place (where I taught life skills).
Specifically, notice her self-talk and her spirituality.
Blue. I used to love the color blue. When I saw the color blue I loved it. But while we were on our journey homeless, I realized that the color blue wasn’t as blue as I thought, because I wasn’t in a feeling of happiness. Every time I looked at the sky it reminded me of the pain we were going through.
I few times when I lay in bed, I would think about–is there any hope that God could give us? I used to feel bad for myself but I told myself to pray more and ask God to give me the strength to get through the day. God heard my prayers. We were moving in a house where my mom could make us food. And where we all could communicate. All the stuff God gives me is like gold to me because he gives me things that are really amazing in my eyes.”
Tweetable: What children tell themselves about happiness may hinder our efforts to show them a good time. Here’s how. Click to Tweet
Thanks to Linda Sibley for her thoughts here about this.
Jul 18, 2016 | Nurture
Whether it’s “I’m the stupidest kid in my whole math class” or “Okay, I can do this,” we’re familiar with the collection of messages children play in their heads. Self-talk is everything a child believes to be true ….
- …. about the way things work in the world
- …. about themselves in relationship to the world
- …. about a higher power, and that being’s impact on their lives
Self-talk statements usually go unchallenged
Self-talk messages are powerful because kids believe them to be true and consequently, act as if they are true. However, their interpretations can be wrong, causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths.
For years, I’ve been teaching this in support groups for children, using curriculum by Linda Sibley, who has given permission to share these solutions. I’ve seen firsthand how they work.
Over the next several weeks we will dig into our role in helping children challenge their developing self-talk so they learn to evaluate whether what they are saying to themselves is accurate. Conversation starters and games will give you moments to build on in the years to come.
But first, reflect on your own self-talk as you respond to your life experiences.
You may want to increase self-awareness by answering some of following questions as they relate to your growing-up years:
- What were the verbal messages given to you? (take care of yourself; you’re clumsy; you can do no wrong; get lost)
- Was it okay to be good in some school subjects, but not in others?
- Were you teased by your peers for anything?
- Were you part of the in-crowd – or the out-crowd?
- What did you learn from media about money, violence and sex and the part they play in life?
- Did you measure yourself by rich, famous or beautiful people?
- Was your church or temple accepting and empowering? Judgmental and strict?
- Were you ever shamed, embarrassed or put down by clergy or a self-proclaimed religious person?
What wisdom did you gain from the above life lessons and personal experiences? How did you learn to change your negative self-talk to positive?
Tweetable:
- Kids believe self-talk is true causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths. Click to Tweet
- You can do something to quiet the negative, critical voice in a child’s inner speech. Click to Tweet
