How do we do that in a way that informs, yet leaves the door open to explore and journey and be curious as they grow up? What words can we use to introduce God in such a way as to do the child no harm?
Here is a description of God that may prove useful, written in a child’s vocabulary.
This view is acknowledged in every area of the world from sub-Saharan Africa and tribes in the South Pacific to urban centers in Europe, farms in the Americas, and Middle Eastern deserts.
It is not the view of a particular religion, yet is found in the majority of world religions. It is mainstream.
Who is God?
God is a being. God does not have a body. God is invisible. People are beings too—human beings. God is a being who is greater than human beings. You can’t see God but you know He* is there. God has always been there.
God is love. All love comes from God.
God knows everything. He knows what will happen in the future. God knows what you are thinking. God knows all the facts about any subject you can imagine.
God is everywhere at once. He is not limited by time or space.
God does only what is right, good and just.
God has no beginning and he has no end.
God is pure. There is nothing evil about God.
God has unlimited power and authority.
God never changes. He is the same today as God has always been.
God is one-of-a-kind.
God makes himself known by displaying these qualities so that any child can recognize them. The human mind cannot understand God completely. God exceeds our brain’s capacity. But you can understand a lot about God.
*God is spirit, but I use the male pronoun because it is what I encounter most often when people talk about God.You may substitute the female pronoun if you wish.
Tweetables:
God exceeds our brain’s capacity but a child can understand a lot about God. See the basics here. Click to Tweet
Wondering what to say when a child asks about God? Here’s a description that does no harm. Click to Tweet
Since 1991 I have sat with children in support groups as they process circumstances that upset them. Sometimes an older child will ask me why God didn’t stop it or why God lets tragedies happen. Here are two principles I use to guide these conversations.
Principle #1: Find out why they are asking.
From Dr. Becky Bailey I learn to discover first whether the child wants information or understanding. I can find a clue by listening to their tone of voice–the force behind their question. I watch their facial expression and reflect back what I see. I will ask what situation they are thinking of.
Are they asking because evil and suffering have touched them personally and often? Have they been treated cruelly by others? They are more likely asking for emotional support and a way out of the hurtful experience right now in their own life circumstances.
Are they asking because they have they seen and heard about evil and suffering around them: violence, poverty, abuse, natural disasters and more? When looking at it globally, their interest may tend toward information about what God’s character is really like. Is this the kind of being that God is?
Principle #2: Then….Respond.
Some responses are obvious. For example, an incident may need to be reported. Or a child may need empathy or a chance to express their feelings.
If they are asking for information about the nature of God’s involvement in pain and suffering, you could say that nobody really knows for sure. But what are some things you found to be true as you have wrestled with this question for yourself? Use those as talking points–seeds of discussion that give children space to work it out in their own words. Here are mine:
God wants a good life for humanity.God intends to bless us and not to hurt us.
God created the possibility that people could choose to make a different choice than what he intends.
People, not God, hurt people. God could make people stop–if he wanted to control people’s lives–but he gives us freedom and the right to do good or bad, feel hate or love.
God allows nature to take its course and that includes extreme weather and all kinds of disease.
Suffering people often say that they see God’s involvement after a tragedy though the hands, feet and voice of the people who bring relief and order into the situation.
In our relationship with God we work alongside him when we involve ourselves in the response to pain and suffering in the world.
Tweetable: When children ask why bad things happen, the child-sized ideas here may shed light on a very tough issue. Click to Tweet
Children who go to religious education classes, Sunday School or parochial school benefit from opportunities to experience God beyond learning facts about God.
Earlier this week, I took my four-year-old granddaughter to the library and to the park for a Bug Hunt. As I steered the car into a parking spot, I asked “What is God doing today?”
Long pause. “I don’t know,” she said.
I continued, “Maybe he would like to come with us to the park to hunt for bugs. Should we invite him?”
Longer pause, then: “Yes, God can come with us while we look for bugs, and other Gods can be with other people so everybody has God with them today.”
Soon we walked past a bush and she said, “Look! There’s threads on this bush,” and we traced the path of the threads from a leaf all the way to the sidewalk. I offered, “Maybe we can find a book in the library to tell us more about the threads.”
The librarian found a picture book for us about spider webs and another book about our best sighting of the day–ladybugs–which we read together in the beanbag chairs provided by the library.
Finally it was time to go home. As we talked about our adventure, I said, “I had so much fun with you today. Do you think God had fun with us?” Her silence was more profound this time.
This silence was that same kind of hush I’ve seen whenever she processes a new experience.
Then she burst into song. I didn’t catch all the words but something about joy and God. I never said anything about her song because I understood that it wasn’t really intended for my ears anyway.
Tweetable:
Ask children, “What is God doing today?” and see how they experience God beyond the facts they’ve learned.Click to Tweet
“I want the gummi bears!!!” cried the child from the car seat, melting down on our way to get lunch because I said he can have the candy after we eat.
As children get older, their disappointments grow larger. In my work of facilitating support groups for children, I find that hurt and angry feelings get directed at God too, and it is often due to:
Prayers not answered.
Hurt by religious people.
Overwhelmed by evil and suffering in the world.
Many children (age 11 and under) say that unanswered prayers disappoint them the most.
They see the needs within their extended family. They hear the adult conversations. They care so much. Some of them spend a lot of time praying for what is best for everyone involved. When the situation doesn’t change according to their wishes, they may conclude that God hardly listens and feel personal rejection by God.
This topic is obviously a vast and complex one. My only goal here is to try to find a few ways we can help children when they feel disappointed with God. We can help them when we:
Offer empathy by listening without trying to change them or their feelings.
Accept all the child’s feelings and thoughts about God.
Express care and support.
Be mindful of our own feelings about God and not try to project them onto the child.
Sort out the expectations or conditions the child places on God.
Moving from the emotions of their upset, we can also help children in sorting through and discovering their expectations of God. Every relationship involves expectations. It’s true at the child’s school, in the family unit, in the neighborhood, on a sports team. Someone has said that 80 % of our expectations are assumed– never really expressed.
1. Express exactly what you expect of God.
Start by asking, “What do you expect God to do when you for pray for something?” Allow the child to respond by writing it or by speaking it or by returning to it later after they think about it.
Now here’s the part we almost always overlook: Help the child find a way to express expectations directly to God (and how they feel about it). It can be in the form of a “Dear God” letter or a talk-out-loud where no one can hear, or some other approach they decide on.
2. Consider changing expectations to be more realistic.
How realistic are the child’s expectations of God?
How reliable are their sources of getting information about God?
In what ways do they expect God to respond?
What are God’s limitations? (For example, some would say that one of God’s self-imposed limits is refusal to force people to do anything against their will.)
Observe others and search out some different expectations for God.
3. Decide what to do.
Exit: Some children choose to terminate the relationship with God, but that is rare before adolescence. (And from many sources we glean that God never stops trying to connect with them.)
Stay and withdraw: These children continue to believe in God but withdraw from trying to have any kind of relationship with God at this time. If the family is religious, they may pretend to go along with it.
Stay and revise: By changing expectations of God, the child is more conscious of the possibility that God’s perspective is different, and that God’s gift of presence is only beginning to be discovered.
Dr. Bill McRae’s organizing principles for expectations were adapted here for use with children.
Tweetable: Here are a few ways to help children when they feel disappointed with God, like God doesn’t hear or care. Click to Tweet
Children want and need adults to take the lead in developing their their conscience, character, morals, values. But many of us are uncomfortable talking about it. Some believe that we need never bring up spiritual matters at all, others feel that we must instill our own beliefs into children. What if the uncomfortable feelings about spiritual conversations are coming from the adults, not from the children? What if we work on the assumption that spiritual awareness already exists in the heart of every child?
How would that lower our personal discomfort? What small changes could we make to increase our confidence in dealing with our child’s spiritual curiosity?
1. Establish a family ritual or routine.
Some parents put it into the bedtime routine for consistency’s sake: bath time, reading a book, saying a prayer or answering a question. It becomes a normal part of everyday life, eliminating the awkwardness
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A friend of mine asks four daily questions of her 12-year-old twin grandsons whom she is raising:
Best thing that happened to you today
Worst thing
Thing you need God’s help with tomorrow
Thing you are most grateful for today. “I like ending with the gratitude reminder,” she explains.
2. Use normal life experiences to weave values into everyday conversations.
Make an observation or ask a question when you see the opportunity. This tells children that it’s okay for them to ask questions or talk about qualities of spirit. One adoptive mother compares talking about spirituality to talking about adoption:
In all of the adoption literature, parents are told again and again to initiate talking about adoption with their children. When the parents never mention it, they are communicating to their child a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy: Let’s act like adoption isn’t part of the equation to help the child feel more “normal.”
Yet the reality is that the child needs to engage with and process that part of their history. Counter-intuitively, talking about it is what actually normalizes it. Many adoptive children who are now adults say that they were afraid to ask their adoptive parents questions for fear of hurting their feelings or upsetting them. They assumed that silence on the subject of their adoption was caused by the parents’ discomfort with the subject.
In the same way, we normalize spiritual awareness by noticing it in everyday life. Nine times out of ten, children let it pass without comment. But once in a while they use the opportunity to ask a question or launch a discussion.
Tweetable:
Changes in your lifestyle that show respect for your child’s spiritual curiosity. Click to Tweet
Two ideas that can lower our discomfort with our child’s spiritual development. Click to Tweet
Are they asking because evil and suffering have touched them personally and often? Have they been treated cruelly by others? They are more likely asking for emotional support and a way out of the hurtful experience right now in their own life circumstances.
Are they asking because they have they seen and heard about evil and suffering around them: violence, poverty, abuse, natural disasters and more? When looking at it globally, their interest may tend toward information about what God’s character is really like. Is this the kind of being that God is?
If they are asking for information about the nature of God’s involvement in pain and suffering, you 
Suffering people often say that they see God’s involvement after a tragedy though the hands, feet and voice of the people who bring relief and order into the situation.
Many children (age 11 and under) say that unanswered prayers disappoint them the most.
Now here’s the part we almost always overlook: Help the child find a way to express expectations directly to God (and how they feel about it). It can be in the form of a “Dear God” letter or a talk-out-loud where no one can hear, or some other approach they decide on.
