Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — Miller and Mattson
Miller and Mattson continue, “Hidden behind their multiple interests is the consistency of a particular way of working and playing, a motivational pattern.”
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
Extensive research leads to the conclusion that consistent motivational patterns emerge “in rudimentary form by age 10 and are fully fleshed out in mid-teens.” Further, the motivational pattern remains consistent throughout a person’s life.
A poignant example
Kayla Jean Mueller was an American human rights activist and humanitarian aid worker. She was taken captive in August 2013 in Aleppo, Syria, while leaving a Doctors Without Borders hospital and died earlier this year in Syria at age 26.
When she was 22 she wrote to her parents: “Some people find God in church. Some people find God in nature. Some people find God in love. I find God in suffering. I’ve known for some time what my life’s work is, using my hands as tools to relieve suffering.”
The more teens act out of their motivated pattern, the greater is their own satisfaction that they are using their life for its intended purpose –the purpose that they define, based upon the abilities, talents, skills, and temperament they see in themselves. Here’s an exercise you can give to the teens in your life. To get started, see this link: Guided questions motivational patterns.
Next week : A second exercise to help teens pull out their work pattern from the data they recorded.
Tweetable: Six questions help teens identify patterns in their most satisfyingly consistent way of work and play. Click to Tweet
This boy’s joyful attitude about work is the norm for young children. He sees the connection between his work and a greater purpose. He delights in being helpful.
As children get older, does it seem that many of them lose the joy?
Chores and work are not the same thing
It’s fair to say that chores build a child’s character and instill belonging within the family unit or classroom. Work calls forth the child’s talents, aptitudes, feelings, intelligence and traits. Work builds purpose and meaning into their life. How do we help children experience meaningful work?
Action Item #1 – Ask kids what work they like to do
Start with one of those tasks and participate with them so that you can see and hear the genuine delight expressed by the child. Your goal is to find work that brings them genuine delight.
When my foster child and I were in the car together, she noticed every homeless person we passed and frequently said softly out loud: “Oh poor thing.” As we talked about homelessness, we came up with an idea.
We worked together to purchase nonperishable items and she filled brown bags to keep in the car so she could pass the bags out the window when she was so moved. She was excited every time she was able to deliver another bag and she told me when we needed to make more.
In another example, my family drove seven hours to take a tour of a training center for guide dogs because my preteen sister loved training her pets. My parents wanted to give her some hands-on experience and exposure to this kind of work. (As an adult she was involved with greyhound rescue.)
Action Item #2 – Guess and try something
“Paul Bennett, the chief creative officer at a global design firm, traces his identity as a designer to the day when his father, Jim, a former military pilot, brought home The Golden Hands Encyclopedia of Crafts. Jim then spent the next two years sitting with his son, making macramé and knitting God’s eyes [yarn weavings], so that sensitive little kid could explore his talent and find his confidence.”
Action Item #3 – Ask teachers, coaches, friends and family what they observe
At parent-teacher conference, ask the teacher: What tasks is my child happiest doing? One father heard this response from his son’s teacher: Your son is always telling us sports statistics. He is happiest doing math. I wonder if his above average math skills are due in part to his passion for sports stats.”
Ask the same question periodically of extended family members. Invite trusted friends who are retired to spend time working with the child on a project of mutual interest. Many retirees stay in their own world until they are asked. When people are asked to volunteer and help out, they typically do.
Next week, three more action items for us to help children become mindful of the work they enjoy, leading toward an adult life of happiness and purpose.
Tweetable: Three action items for you – children who become mindful of the work they enjoy now have an advantage later. Click to Tweet
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what they want from us. “Get married,” “Make money,” “Buy your own home.” We usually forget when and how we first received these messages about what we’re supposed to do with our lives, just as we forget when and how we learned to eat with a fork. —Barbara Sher
Think about the messages the children in your life are receiving.
Some kids are groomed from pre-Kindergarten to get into an Ivy League college. Their parents have decided that’s what success is– plus it gives them significant bragging rights to be used against other parents.
But Stanford last year accepted only 4% of its applicants. Most of those who applied met enough of the qualifications to think they had a chance at getting in, but the vast majority didn’t. What’s the result?
A setup for failure
96% of the kids who applied– primarily kids who are not used to failure– failed. What do they do then? We may have prepared them for the Ivy League, but we haven’t prepared them for failure. And failure is actually an important part of life.
Maybe this particular example doesn’t apply to you. You’ve never put such unrealistically high expectations on your daughter. You just want her to grow up, get married, have kids, and be happy.
But again– what if that’s your dream, not your daughter’s dream?
What if she would rather move to New York to be an actress than move to the suburbs to be a mom? How will you handle that?
Barbara Sher says, “Parents have their own dreams and it’s those dreams they’re pushing, not the child’s. In their heads, they have images of successful sons and daughters…children who are impressive—and secure.
“Very few parents have… the calmness of spirit to realize that the most practical thing any child can do is to find their own vision—and follow it.”
We need to disentangle our own goals– and our own identities– from those of the children in our lives. They are different people than we are and they are on a different journey than we have been on.
How okay is that with you?
Next week: Parents’ unfulfilled goals and a child’s future
Tweetable: A discussion here about the need to disentangle a child’s goals from our goals and identity for them. Click to Tweet
In a web-based Smart Girls survey, four out of five girls (average age 13) reported that their life goal was something like fame, money, or being happy. The remaining 20% said their life goal was to make a difference.
Opinions such as this are often formed from previous experience.
What kinds of experiences and input are shaping the dreams, goals, and values of the children in your life?
Think about how they might answer the question, “What is your main goal in life?”
Would they be in the majority or the minority? And what do you most want for the children in your life? What if you had to choose either happiness or meaning?
This is the first post in a series where I explore a spiritual approach to addressing this question with children.
Defining happiness and meaning
A good place to start is by defining our terms. In a widely-reported survey summarized in Scientific American:
Respondents strongly correlated feeling happy with seeing life as easy, pleasant, and free from difficult or troubling events. Happiness was also correlated with being in good health and generally feeling well most of the time.
However, none of these things were correlated with a greater sense of meaning.
The survey’s findings suggest that pure happiness is about getting what we want in life—whether through people, money, or life circumstances.
Meaningfulness, in contrast, seems to have more to do with giving, effort, and sacrifice. However, tasks which don’t make us happy can, over time, add up to a meaningful life. Even routine activities — talking on the phone, cooking, cleaning, meditating, emailing, praying, and balancing finances — appeared to bring more meaning to adults’ lives, but did not contribute to happiness in the moment.
Think about your own perspectives on this question.
How would you personally rate the relative importance of happiness or meaning?
How have you pursued them?
How successful has that pursuit been?
What are your hopes for the children in your life?
What do you most want for them? Happiness or meaning? What if you had to choose?
Next week: Preparing children to tap into their potential
Tweetable: New series gives practical perspective to the kinds of experiences that shape a child’s dreams and goals. Click to Tweet
Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — Miller and Mattson
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what 
A good place to start is by defining our terms. In a widely-reported 
giving, effort, and sacrifice. However, tasks which don’t make us happy can, over time, add up to a meaningful life. Even routine activities — talking on the phone, cooking, cleaning, meditating, emailing, praying, and balancing finances — appeared to bring more meaning to adults’ lives, but did not contribute to happiness in the moment.