Jul 30, 2018 | Nurture
My husband Bob, even in his 60’s now, remembers his junior high school art teacher. His job doesn’t require much by way of drawing skills, but he does have to sketch the occasional diagram or flow chart to illustrate a concept. Often while doing that, he finds himself apologizing for his lack of artistry.
He was generally a good student, but not in art class.
The art teacher told him he’d pass him under one condition: that he never enroll in another art class again. Now, Bob can tell that as a funny story, meant to make fun of his lack of artistic skills, but I find it deeply sad.
Think about the impact of that comment coming from a teacher. Granted, some people have more innate ability than others, but everyone can grow. What would a comment like that sound like had it come from a math teacher? “You’re no good at math. Why don’t you give up and focus on something else?”
True, my husband had no innate talent for art. But what are some other ways his art teacher could have approached the situation?
Excellence without the sting
- Skills can be learned. Focus on teaching skills. Not everyone is destined to become an artist, but everyone can improve their drawing skills and move toward basic competency.
Define art more broadly as creativity. Maybe drawing isn’t everyone’s preferred medium, but that doesn’t mean artistry can’t be expressed in other ways. Some people are creative with words, with ideas, with people, with structures. Find that creativity.- Enjoy the act of creating art. Instead of feeling shame over the results, learn to experience joy in the creative process. This is the equivalent of singing in the shower– who needs an audience when expression is the goal?
How do parents handle similar issues with our children?
Do we place such an emphasis on excellence and proper behavior that we discourage or shame our children when they don’t fit the cultural standards?
Correction can be discouraging
A friend of mine recently saw a mother and her three-year-old daughter at church. She was a cute, sweet little girl and my friend said hi to her, smiled and waved. The little girl immediately hid behind her mother’s legs and her mother began prompting her: “Say hi back, Klarissa.” And she started crying.
My friend felt bad for putting the girl into the situation in the first place, for it was one she recognized. Her own daughter, now a teenager, had responded the exact same way when she was younger.
Not everyone is naturally good at talking with people they don’t know very well. Yet it’s a skill that everyone will need at a basic level.
What if this mother explained to my friend– in front of her child– that she’s not very good socially and therefore excused from giving a polite response? On the other hand, what if she forced her to carry on lengthy conversations with strangers regularly, paying no heed to her natural inclinations? Both extremes can be damaging.
Or correction can be effective.
What the mother did was talk with her daughter at home and tell her, “Sometimes when we’re out, people I know will say hello to you. You don’t have to talk with them for a long time, but it’s polite to say hello back.” They practiced it and she understood the expectation. Next time they ran into that situation in public, the girl still hid, and the mother still had to prompt her to say hi back… but she had courage and did it. And her mother praised her for the effort.
This type of approach is the better one for setting her up to have successful social skills in the future: encouragement, teaching, practice, and taking small steps forward… even in areas we’re not naturally good at.
Tweetable: We want kids to do their best, performing with excellence. Our criticism is intended to spur them on to a higher level, but here is a timely reminder to check ourselves before our words sting. Click to Tweet
Jul 16, 2018 | Attachment
It hit me like a bolt of lightning as I was preparing a workshop that I presented at a national children’s spirituality summit last month. (My topic was spiritual learning styles and how a child most naturally connects with God.) God is a primary caregiver and attachment theory applies to a human being’s relationship with God, not only to our human relationships.
Others have the same perspective.
For example, Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, discovered:
“Of course I can have a true attachment relationship with God even though God cannot be seen. My sister, after all, had been unseen by me for more than a year now, yet I still had a relationship with her that met the attachment criteria…. I continue to keep her close (proximity) with photos and other objects, and by talking to her. And our love continues to strengthen me (secure love) and comfort me in times of stress (safe haven). My love for Jane and hers for me survives her death, as does our attachment relationship.”
We are born to connect.
Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester, writes: “Attachment theory always captivates students. When I lecture about attachment theory, even the most distracted student soon starts to pay attention.”
In my experience, if the subject of a relationship with God has come up in conversations I’ve had, everyone has admitted, “If it were possible, I would want to know God personally.” Kids are no different. Most of us want to feel attached to God.
How can I help a child strengthen his or her attachment bond with God?
All of these previous blog posts give a description of different styles children use while bonding to God, with practical ideas and conversation starters. This is so valuable to a child’s continued growth in faith.
“Attachment theory’s observations are at once wise, astute, and intensely personal–it’s hard to listen to an account of attachment theory without thinking, “Yes, that’s it!” (Professor Harry Reis)
Tweetable: Is your child asking about God or interested in knowing about God? Or maybe your kids resist going to religious services? Be sure you know the child’s natural way to connect with God. It’s almost certainly not the same as yours. Click to Tweet
Jul 2, 2018 | trust
Recently I spent time after school with a 5-year-old in my extended family. Her homework assignment that day was, “List at least five words that describe you.” After she gave her list I called out to her siblings, “Hey, do you want to do this too? And they did. Then it was my turn. I started my list of words describing myself when one of them added, “Mean—sometimes you are mean.”
Well, that was a new one for me! I’d never been called mean, at least not that I could remember. Selfish? Sure. Insensitive? Sometimes. But mean??? That’s pretty harsh.
“Sometimes you are mean.”
Overcoming a first impulse to be defensive, I began to investigate: “Tell me about the last time I was mean to you.” I listened without comment or criticism to several minutes of conversation, and the evidence became clear. I was mean anytime I said no to a request, or when I said “Wait and ask your mother; she’ll be home soon” to something the child wanted to do.
That’s a normal response to get upset when we’re told no. We all want life to go our way. So I simply acted as a mirror for the child: “You want me to say yes–not no or wait–when you ask for something. You seem frustrated with me.” There was a momentary silence (I’m inwardly hoping it was an Aha! registering in the child’s awareness) and then we moved on to something else. Just planting a seed.
It got me thinking…. Do some children believe God is mean, too?
Most children (and adults), at one time or another, want God to use God’s power to give us what we want. A child will pray. In the midst of upsetting circumstances, the child might pray with tears, “Don’t let my parents get divorced.” “Please make my cousin get well.” When the outcome is not what the child asked for, some children can turn away and accuse God of not loving them. Who wants to get close to a God who is mean? Other kids might conclude that there is no God.
Be aware and keep listening.
Encourage kids to tell you how they arrive at their conclusions about us, or about God. Let them speak without criticism or argument. The topic will arise again and I want to be a trusted listener when it does. Don’t you?
Tweetable: Do you sense that your child believes God is mean? Despite their outward compliance with your family’s religious beliefs, something else may be brewing under the surface. Click to Tweet
Jun 18, 2018 | Nurture
By Tara Miller, guest blogger
The mother of a 16-year-old girl decided that instead of giving her daughter relationship advice– which she knew would likely be unwelcome and unheeded– she’d take a coaching approach instead. She’d ask questions and reflect back only what she was hearing. So she said to her daughter, “I know you’re struggling with your relationship with your boyfriend right now and considering whether to break up with him or not. I have something I think might be helpful. What if I ask you five questions, and just listen to own responses without giving any advice or feedback or suggestions?”
“Well…” said the daughter uncertainly, “What are the questions?”
“They are five basic questions that can be applied to almost any situation: What’s working? What’s not working? What are you learning? What needs to change? What’s next?”
“I guess those sound safe enough… not like they’re trying to push me into making a particular decision.”
“Okay, what’s working?”
“We have fun sometimes when we’re hanging out. He can be really funny and I like going out.”
“Anything else?”
“Also, it’s really nice just to have a boyfriend. It’s not like I’d be going out with anyone else if I weren’t going out with him.”
“What’s not working?”
“Well, he can be really argumentative sometimes. And he talks a lot… often about things I’m not very interested in like video games. That can be boring. Sometimes it’s hard to me to get much airtime in our conversations. And when I do, he kind of dismisses my opinions if I disagree with him.”
“What are you learning?”
“Some of the things I thought I wanted in a boyfriend are important– like wanting someone who is outgoing because I’m really not. But also I’m finding there are limits to that. Maybe being outgoing, but not talking ALL the time.”
“So you’re re-thinking through what qualities are important to you?”
“Yes. And I’d like someone I agree with on some basic beliefs. I’m surprised how differently we think about important issues like politics and what’s important in life and how we interact with our friends.”
“What needs to change?”
Without a breath or a pause, she responded, “He does!” Then both mother and daughter started laughing. Because when you realize the whole person needs to change, rather than just making adjustments in a relationship, the decision has become clear. This couple was simply not a good fit.
“What’s next?”
When they had recovered, the mother asked, “What’s next?” And they talked through a plan how for to break up in a respectful and appropriate way that would take into account that they still had to see each other in various settings.
These five questions can be applied to just about any situation where you want to leave a person room to reflect and consider an issue without being told what to do. Simply ask the five questions, asking “anything else?” to make sure you have gotten all of their thinking, and give them space to process. You’ll be amazed at how much becomes clear and how empowering the process is for teens.
Tweetable: You’ll be amazed at how much becomes clear to teens when a parent simply asks these five questions, asking, “anything else?” to make sure you’ve got all of their thinking–and give them space to process. Click to Tweet
Jun 4, 2018 | Nurture
Lucky moms! Kids are in school when Mother’s Day rolls around. Teachers and aides orchestrate the card and gift projects. Dads are not so fortunate. But you can step into the teacher’s shoes and provide fine gift ideas–and for the cards, some messages for the handmade Father’s Day card, courtesy of those holiday professionals at Hallmark. See the complete article here.
Try to make this fun!
Start by asking some conversation starters to help you and the child focus.
- How are you and your dad the same?
- What is your dad really good at?
- What makes you proud of daddy?
Father’s Day message starting points:
Now the child might be more ready to write a brief message of appreciation.
- “You taught me many of the important things I know like….
- “I don’t know where I’d be without your….
- “You’re in some of my favorite memories like….
- “Thank you for being there with just the___ (eg. love, wisdom, guidance) I need.
If the relationship is complicated
One Hallmark writer suggests that the child, “Be warm and sincere in your message. Focus on what’s positive and true between you. Tell him you’re thinking of him. Or simply wish him a great day.”
Family relationship not required for Father’s Day cards
There are plenty of father-like figures in people’s lives, even it’s they’re not officially relatives. Even if the child’s father is present in his or her life, a card for a man who is making spiritual, emotional or relational deposits in the child’s life deserves to hear about it.
- “Having you in my life has made all the difference in the world to me because….
- “You’ve always gone above and beyond to support me and celebrate important times in my life, like when….
- “I don’t know where I’d be without your….
If the child is very young
Consider doing a questionnaire or interview format with the child, like this example. It’s the kind of activity some teachers do for Mother’s Day.
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”— Mark Twain
