Jan 29, 2018 | Nurture
I love a word puzzle or quiz that comes with the answers at the bottom of the column, sometimes upside down — A. What is the name of the highest mountain in Africa? B. What is the largest brass instrument in an orchestra? *
A question I puzzle over as I engage with a child’s spiritual development is — What habits, if instilled with love, will most likely lead kids into a richly satisfying life of doing right by each other and walking humbly with God?
How would you answer this question for the children you love? For me, here would be the upside down answers at the bottom of my column: compassion for other living things, rituals providing structure and safety, and the following —
Forgiveness and humility
One father spoke to me about this commitment: “Because our family acknowledges God’s involvement in our everyday life, we understand that God desires to be with us and this desire doesn’t arise because we are perfect people. We do wrong and make mistakes yet God still loves us. The result is that we as parents are better able to admit our mistakes (which our children recognize anyway), and we model how to tell on ourselves, apologize and show our family how to forgive and move on.”
Gratitude and generosity
Ms. Kerry provides this example in her book Self-Sufficient Kids: “….. “Mackenzie was 13 years old when she began collecting children’s books for shelters in and around Alpharetta, Georgia. It soon became a family project with her 2 brothers, Alex and Benjamin, working alongside her. In total, they have collected and donated over 360,000 books for shelters across the world through their charity, Sheltering Books.”
Seeking God and truth
Erin James, a mother of three, recently told a story of what happened to her last Sunday at church, The congregation sang a hymn and she let go of her anxieties and concerns as she sang the words with her whole heart. She closed her eyes and felt tears well up at the goodness and love of God. Then, “[m]y oldest daughter tapped me on the shoulder while I was praising God and asked me why I was crying and closing my eyes. I whispered to her that I was thanking Him for everything. As I began singing again, I saw my daughter emulating me out of the corner of my eye. It was beautiful to see her, so young and eager to praise the Lord.”
Kids find better answers to life’s puzzles when we are there to light their way.
* A. Mount Kilimanjaro – B. The tuba
Tweetable: What habits, if instilled with love, will most likely lead kids into a richly satisfying life of doing right by each other and walking humbly with God? Read more here. Click to Tweet
Jan 22, 2018 | Nourishment
“Sacrifice focuses on a goal. Deprivation focuses on poor me. Sacrifice lifts my head and lets me see the big picture. Deprivation turns my eyes inward so I see nothing but myself.” (Mary Hunt)
A reader in our blog community passed these thoughts along with a note: “If only this wisdom could be given to kids.”
Yes, but– for starters, sacrifice is giving up something valuable to me.
Human beings don’t do this easily.
For another thing, sacrifice costs me something.
Money, time, what I want when I want it. If it doesn’t cost us, how can it be a sacrifice? But isn’t there a reward in sacrifice?
The reward is perhaps the best way to introduce children to the concept of sacrifice.
I’ve taken kids to a shelter for women and children where they saw who was receiving their donations of clothing and toys… and these donations were not entirely their castoffs, but items we had chosen and purchased. The children had a lot to say on the way home as they processed their experience. Their spirits lifted when they saw that they had done something good. Maybe a little serotonin dropping into their circulatory system helps? I want them to know the good feeling they get after making the choice to bless someone else. Some children will decide they want to feel it again– and that it’s worth the sacrificed involved. My goal was to show them that sacrifice can produce a good feeling equal to the feeling they get when their own wishes have come true.
Show them the greater good.
Whatever children give up is generally only temporary. They will get more of it–sometimes sooner, sometimes later. To focus on the negative – the act of depriving oneself – doesn’t work well in almost any avenue of life. Better to pivot toward the positive – the achievement of something far more worthy than whatever valuable possession or enjoyment they gave up.
Tweetable: When a child sacrifices something valuable to him, in order to make life better for someone else, we can point out the rewards. Here are some ways to do that. Click to Tweet
Jan 8, 2018 | trust
My rewards for almost ten years spent as an anger management instructor: I unlearned some destructive habits and learned new, healthier ways to express my own anger. All of this was taking place while I was teaching others about their anger! Funny how that works. The same thing is true as we teach and guide the children in our lives: sometimes we learn as much as they do.
An idea that changed my whole outlook
One particular insight, found in The Anger Workbook, catalyzed my paradigm shift:
My most important lesson — Anger is the emotion of self-preservation, given to us by God.
As a child I thought my parents were teaching me to get rid of anger, so I grew up suppressing it: “Who me? Angry?” So it was hard to accept that anger might serve an important purpose. Much later in life, through the testimonials of my adult students, I saw that they got angry most often when they were ignored or mistreated. It was part of their defense system.
Doing some self-reflection, I owned the fact that I hated when my personal boundaries were violated. Slowly I admitted that anger could be a way to preserve my personal worth, basic needs and basic beliefs.
Anger is designed to protect me!
As I began to own more and more of my angry feelings whenever I felt demeaned or disrespected, I was on my way to greater emotional health. Now I can honestly say:
- When my personal worth is not validated, I feel angry.
- If I make known my needs and they are ignored, I feel hurt.
- At times when I take an unwavering stand for my convictions (sometimes publicly, sometimes just in my most cherished relationships) and I speak up about them and I am misunderstood, I feel resentful.
It’s all about what I do next after my anger flares up.
I’m still learning that it’s my choice how I will react to my anger. Will I do a passive-aggressive maneuver as I have in the past? Will I take the easy way and suppress it?
Or maybe I will talk about what’s bothering me, but do it considering the needs and feelings of the other person. I was shocked to find that this approach actually helps my relationships grow.
Tweetable: Anger is the emotion of self-preservation but it matters–a lot–what we do next after it flares up. Click to Tweet
My new book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality, is now available on Amazon!
Where did Grandma go when she died?
Why doesn’t God stop bad things from happening?
Many parents have experienced a child asking difficult spiritual questions– usually at inopportune moments. While we stumble around trying to think of an answer, we feel inadequate… and sometimes startled by their questions. If you’re like most adults, you try your hardest to avoid thinking much about questions like these. So why on earth is a child asking you about them?
We talk with our children about the importance of school work, about physical health, about how to navigate social difficulties. We even talk with them about sex, drugs, and internet safety… or if we don’t, we know we should.
So why do we find it so difficult to talk with children about God?
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, foster parent, or other caregiver, this is a book to help you engage with the children in your life about their spiritual needs.
Purchase your copy in paperback here.
If you prefer the Kindle version, you can purchase it here.
Dec 4, 2017 | Nurture
Christmas. The late journalist Harry Reasoner called it a “tremendous burst of gift buying, parties and near hysteria [done in the name of] a quiet event that Christians believe happened a long time ago.” Let’s be people who show kids how to do December with a different attitude.
Attitude #1: Be gracious
If you are a non-Christian — Accept Christmas graciously.
Maybe you have personal history of your deeply held, non-Christian perspective/faith being trampled on by the majority. Perhaps they’ve been insensitive to you since childhood, but you can aim high and wish your fellow citizens all the joys to which their beliefs entitle them.
If you are a Christian — Accept unbelief graciously.
Some Christians feel such a dramatic shock in their heart when others find the birth of Jesus to be irrelevant. You can become angry and lose the capacity to promote peace. Different people have different beliefs and you really can’t expect that everyone should share yours. Aim high and remember that different perspectives are okay.
Attitude #2: Remain composed
If you are a non-Christian — Accept Christmas respectfully.
The Christmas story has a magnificent appeal, Jesus coming as a baby to show what God is like. Most people like babies–if God wanted to be loved, God moved correctly here. If God wanted to be intimate with humankind, God moved correctly, for the experiences of birth and familyhood are among the most intimate and precious experiences.* It just might be easier to remain composed when you focus on this perspective.
If you are a Christian — Accept unbelief respectfully.
The whole story that a virgin was selected by God to bear God’s son as a way of showing love and concern for humanity is not an idea that has been popular, even with some theologians. Remain composed by admitting that it is a somewhat illogical idea and God does not, and you ought not, force anyone to accept it. Instead, focus on loving people as Jesus did.
Attitude #3: Cultivate and feed goodwill
How? A lesson in these excerpts from the poem Anyway by Dr. Kent M. Keith
- People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered. Forgive them anyway.
- If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
- The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow. Do good anyway.
*I’m paraphrasing Harry Reasoner here.
Tweetable: Goodbye Christmas hysteria. Show kids how to do December with a different attitude. Click to Tweet
My new book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality, is now available on Amazon – just in time for the holidays!
Where did Grandma go when she died?
Why doesn’t God stop bad things from happening?
Many parents have experienced a child asking difficult spiritual questions– usually at inopportune moments. While we stumble around trying to think of an answer, we feel inadequate… and sometimes startled by their questions. If you’re like most adults, you try your hardest to avoid thinking much about questions like these. So why on earth is a child asking you about them?
We talk with our children about the importance of school work, about physical health, about how to navigate social difficulties. We even talk with them about sex, drugs, and internet safety… or if we don’t, we know we should.
So why do we find it so difficult to talk with children about God?
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, foster parent, or other caregiver, this is a book to help you engage with the children in your life about their spiritual needs.
Purchase your copy in paperback here.
If you prefer the Kindle version, you can purchase it here.
Nov 20, 2017 | Direction
Spiritual development is indeed a journey. Dr. James Fowler’s well-reasoned book, Stages of Faith, gives valuable resources for adults responsible for the spiritual development of children. How and when does faith develop? What should we know about the developmental stages?
I cannot improve on Maxine Handelman’s summary of Dr. Fowler’s empirical research into the spiritual development of children, so I offer you the “best of” here:.
What is faith development?
“Faith development is about making meaning of life’s significant questions, adhering to this meaning, and acting it out in his or her life span.Faith is a common pursuit and quest of all individuals. Faith development theory provides a place for God and religious ways of being without mandating them.”
How and when does faith develop?
“Faith formation occurs in relation to others. It can be in relation to parents, church-temple-mosque, [sacred texts], school, friends or any group of people with whom one interacts. Just as one’s intellectual abilities, motor skills and social behaviors change over the life span, so does one’s faith. Views of God will not remain the same. Faith can be nurtured, strengthened and enhanced.
What should we know about the developmental stages of faith?
- Stage 0 (birth to 2 years) — Early learning about the safety of their environment (i.e. warm, safe and secure vs. hurt, neglect and abuse). If consistent nurture is experienced, the child will develop a sense of trust and safety about the universe and God.
- Stage 1 (ages 3-7) — Faith is learned mainly through experiences, stories (including holy texts), images, and the people with whom the child comes in contact.
- Stage 2 (mostly in school children) — Children have a strong belief in justice and reciprocity. They experience God as almost always personal, with characteristics such as goodness, mercy, care and love.
- Stage 3 (arising in adolescence) — Characterized by the development of a personal identity and conformity to their faith community.
- Stage 4 (usually late teens to late thirties) — A stage of angst and struggle. The individual takes personal responsibility for his or her beliefs and feelings. As one is able to reflect on one’s own beliefs, there is an openness to a new complexity of faith.
Awareness of the general passages of faith can provide an anchor as we look back at our own lives, and look ahead to what children have in store.
Tweetable: Awareness of the general passages of faith development can provide an anchor as we guide children in theirs. Click to Tweet
My new book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality, is now available on Amazon – just in time for the holidays!
Where did Grandma go when she died?
Why doesn’t God stop bad things from happening?
Many parents have experienced a child asking difficult spiritual questions– usually at inopportune moments. While we stumble around trying to think of an answer, we feel inadequate… and sometimes startled by their questions. If you’re like most adults, you try your hardest to avoid thinking much about questions like these. So why on earth is a child asking you about them?
We talk with our children about the importance of school work, about physical health, about how to navigate social difficulties. We even talk with them about sex, drugs, and internet safety… or if we don’t, we know we should.
So why do we find it so difficult to talk with children about God?
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, foster parent, or other caregiver, this is a book to help you engage with the children in your life about their spiritual needs.
Purchase your copy in paperback here.
If you prefer the Kindle version, you can purchase it here.
