Apr 4, 2016 | Direction
We all have a spiritual history. Awareness of our history—experiences, stories, defaults, blindspots–allows us to be fair with the important children in our lives.
A personal example–one of my blindspots
My spiritual history contains a chapter of my life in which I insisted on getting people to agree with my religious perspective. I felt responsible for their faith decisions.
My shift from ignorance to awareness
I don’t recall when or how I shifted from ignorance to awareness. Suddenly I recognized each man, woman and child is on his or her own journey of spiritual discovery and it may take them somewhere different from mine. I backed away from playing God in the lives of my friends to understand God is guiding them on their own path. I carry the same attitude into my conversations with children now.
Notice how another parent was confronted with her own spiritual history– and ambivalence– as she tried to answer her child’s questions.
My husband and I were raised in a Catholic family although our parents never had us attend Mass unless it was for a wedding, etc. The other day, we were passing by this gorgeous church in downtown Oakland and my 3 1/2 year-old asked me what it was. I told her it was a church.
She said: “Is that a place to go for lunch?”
And then… I tried to find the words to explain that some people go there to think about loved ones that are gone, etc… Too complicated!!!!
Our view on spirituality is that we are non-religious persons believing that there is something or someone out there but we don’t really know what/who. And that religion is the answer to humans about everything we couldn’t understand, or to control population. How to explain this?
Questions to increase mindfulness of your spiritual history
- What do you remember about your first awareness of God?
- In what ways did your parents or other caregivers engage with your early spiritual development?
- What were your early ideas of what God was like? What positive emotions did you associate with God? What negative emotions?
- What stories did your parents tell you of their spiritual history?
Tweetable: Awareness of our spiritual history increases the likelihood we’ll be fair when we discuss religion with kids. Click to Tweet
Mar 28, 2016 | Attachment
Like it or not, a child’s caregivers mirror God’s character in the child’s eyes. No doubt you’ve been part of conversations like this:
My 3-year-old asked me something–I’ve forgotten the exact question–but it was something I didn’t know the answer to. So I told him, ‘Hunter, I don’t know the answer to that question.’
As if he hadn’t heard me, he asked the same question again. Again I said, ‘I told you already; Daddy doesn’t know the answer to that question.’
‘Yes you do, Daddy,’ he said with confidence, ‘you know everything! Now tell me the answer!’
Obviously it sorts itself out and children grow to grasp the reality that my parents are only human.
Yet a spiritual component remains in effect.
The way caregivers express their values and emotions “wires” the child’s brain for the way children will perceive their higher power.
As a father held his crying little daughter in his arms, one of his statements to her was, “God knows we are sad when we lose something we like, but he promises to hold us just like I’m holding you right now.”
A mother of two explains how she understands the mirror image.
Let’s say Sally is crying because she has scraped her knee. An empathetic parent would come to her aid asking how she is doing rather than curtly telling her to stop crying like a baby. This child feels understood and connected, and the universe makes sense to her.
Author Curt Thompson states, “This mindful approach to the emotional state of a child literally prepares a template at a neurological level that enables the child to grow into an awareness of a God who also cares about his or her joys, hurts, fears and mistakes.”
The child ultimately is able to envision God as responsible and trustworthy and that the world is safe, despite the apparent contradictions.
When you consider this idea, do you feel increased frustration or increased hope?
Tweetable: The way caregivers express their values and emotions “wires” the child’s brain for the way children will perceive God. Click to Tweet
Mar 14, 2016 | Nourishment
Passing along spirituality to others can be fraught with many pitfalls and misconceptions. We must never try to force or convince, yet must still be open to those who are curious and seeking– especially when the seekers are the children in our lives.
Notice the approach this parent chooses with her preteen.
Recognizing spiritual development is an ongoing process, here’s a story about how one mom handled a difficult question from her 12-year-old. Your answer, and any alternative viewpoints you cite, might have been different, as you’d be speaking from your own beliefs.
“So Mom, do you think there’s a hell?”
The question came out of nowhere, as far as I could tell. We had a movie on and it was paused for a bathroom break. This is when my son decides to ask me about hell.
Although we periodically attend a Protestant Christian Church, I don’t have very formed ideas about hell. It is just not a subject that comes up much. So I first decided to see where the question was coming from: “Why do you ask?” “Well, Max from church said that people who are bad go to hell.”
Okay, I thought to myself, so the question is theoretical and not related to anyone specific dying. Now how do I answer when I’m not sure myself? Here’s what I came up with:
“Honestly, I am not really sure.
“I can tell you what I think, but I may be wrong. I do think heaven and hell exist, but I think that God would not force anyone to be with him in heaven who didn’t want to be with him. If someone didn’t want to be with God, they could choose not to be. Hell—I think—is the absence of God rather than fiery flames. Now some people think hell is literal fiery flames, and some people think it doesn’t exist at all.
“What do you think?”
My son then went on to think out loud about the idea of hell being so horrible, but also about the need to punish bad people, like Hitler. He seemed conflicted, and I could see that this conversation—like many other spiritual topics—would need to be an ongoing one as he thought through what he believed. I committed then to try to serve as a safe sounding board for him as he would think things through over the years. Then maybe in the future he would serve as a safe sounding board for others.
Tweetable: One mom does a good job handling her 12-year-old son’s question about hell. Here’s what she said. Click to Tweet
Feb 15, 2016 | Nurture
The experience of God is certainly unique to each individual. Some speak of God as largely inside of us. Others say God is watching us from a distance. Even in religious families who share a theology, each family member walks on his or her own daily path in relationship to God.
How can I show children some possible avenues for experiencing God?
Perhaps some of the ideas below will spark your thinking, fitting them into your understanding of God, if necessary.
- When difficult or frightening events have occurred in my life, I have explained to the child how I sensed God was present with me.
- I am able to discuss with the child the varied avenues or ways God has used to communicate with me and/or others.
- I am in touch with God’s presence in the world and see evidence of God working behind the scenes. I am able to engage in conversations with the child about “coincidences.”
- When the child expresses disappointment or doubt, I respond with empathy. I encourage him or her to take those feelings directly to God, emphasizing that God is not put off by them.
One father told his kids how he found God communicating with him (see #2 above):
Now I am not someone who claims to hear from God regularly and you know I’m not particularly religious. But there is one time in my life—when the two of you were just a few years old—that I am convinced God was speaking to me.
I was about to go for a snowmobile ride and in all the many times I have gone snowmobiling I have never used a helmet. But this particular day I had this strong sense of a voice telling me to put on a helmet. It wasn’t an audible voice, but it was just as insistent as if it were.
I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn’t go away: “Put on a helmet.” I didn’t even own a helmet. After a couple of hours, I finally gave up and went out to go buy a helmet. I wore it that day and got into a terrible accident where I broke both legs, one arm, and a lot of ribs. The doctor said I would definitely have died if not for the helmet.
I believe that was God’s way of trying to keep me alive because he knew your mother would be dying of cancer just a few years later.
Our task is to give a firm footing to a child’s experience of God.
Tweetable: 4 ideas to guide your conversation when a child talks about sensing or experiencing God. Click to Tweet
Feb 8, 2016 | Nurture
Children are just like us… we practice occasional acts of kindness toward others, but more generally take an outlook focused on ourselves. How can we encourage acts of kindness so children’s perspectives focus outward more often — on the gifts they have to contribute to the world? On the good they can do for others? On understanding the feelings and perspectives of others?
Think through this list with one specific child in mind.
I support the child’s wish to offer hospitality through his or her invitations to family, friends and even strangers.- I use my money, time and talents for the good of myself and my family while also considering the needs of others. The child has seen me set aside money for charitable contributions.
- I encourage the child to use his or her own money, time and talents in service to others. I can then point to specific ways the child did this.
- When praying, I notice I am able to say “Thanks God,” in addition to asking for favors. Many times I tell the child what I am thankful for and we talk about gratitude.
- When the child practices spontaneous acts of kindness or generosity, I notice and point it out to the child.
Such a posture doesn’t come about naturally for most of us.
It requires some effort and intentionality, as seen in this parent’s story.
My daughter, now 13, still remembers the morning we passed a woman at an intersection with a sign asking for help. Being 5 years old, she could read the words “Hungry. Have some spare change? Anything helps.”
As my daughter reached for the spare change I keep in the car for parking meters, I explained, “Sometimes it’s not good to give money directly, but her sign says she is hungry, so maybe she would like some breakfast.”
At that, my daughter brightened and we drove around the block to pass the woman again. She readily agreed to breakfast and smiled at my cute curly-haired girl.
We had breakfast at the 24-hour diner on the corner and listened to some of her story she was willing to share.
It left a lasting impression on my daughter, as well as a continuing desire to help the poor.
Review the five points again. What are some ways you can help the children in your life practice generous living?
Tweetable: How we encourage acts of kindness so children’s perspectives focus outward more often. 5 ideas here. Click to Tweet
