Becoming aware of self-talk

Jul 18, 2016 | Nurture

child upside down standing on head 2Whether it’s “I’m the stupidest kid in my whole math class” or “Okay, I can do this,”   we’re familiar with the collection of messages children play in their heads. Self-talk is everything a child believes to be true ….

  • …. about the way things work in the world
  • …. about themselves in relationship to the world
  • …. about a higher power, and that being’s impact on their lives

Self-talk statements usually go unchallenged

Self-talk messages are powerful because kids believe them to be true and consequently, act as if they are true. However, their interpretations can be wrong, causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths.

For years, I’ve been teaching this in support groups for children, using curriculum by Linda Sibley, who has given permission to share these solutions. I’ve seen firsthand how they work.

Over the next several weeks we will dig into our role in helping children challenge their developing self-talk so they learn to evaluate whether what they are saying to themselves is accurate. Conversation starters and games will give you moments to build on in the years to come.

But first, reflect on your own self-talk as you respond to your life experiences.

father and baby (2)You may want to increase self-awareness by answering some of following questions as they relate to your growing-up years:

  1. What were the verbal messages given to you? (take care of yourself; you’re clumsy; you can do no wrong; get lost)
  2. Was it okay to be good in some school subjects, but not in others?
  3. Were you teased by your peers for anything?
  4. Were you part of the in-crowd – or the out-crowd?
  5. What did you learn from media about money, violence and sex and the part they play in life?
  6. Did you measure yourself by rich, famous or beautiful people?
  7. Was your church or temple accepting and empowering? Judgmental and strict?
  8. Were you ever shamed, embarrassed or put down by clergy or a self-proclaimed religious person?

What wisdom did you gain from the above life lessons and personal experiences?  How did you learn to change your negative self-talk to positive?

Tweetable:

  • Kids believe self-talk is true causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths. Click to Tweet
  • You can do something to quiet the negative, critical voice in a child’s inner speech. Click to Tweet

 

Children’s self-talk helps them plan successfully

Oct 12, 2015 | Security

alarm clockCasey (age 9) has been learning to plan ahead so he gets to school on time. [see previous post].  But when he hears his 6:30 alarm, his self-talk thoughts begin:

  • “It’s warm in my bed and cold in the house. I’m going to stay here and sleep just a few minutes more.”
  • “I’m not hungry, so I can skip breakfast and stay in bed a little longer.”
  • “I won’t take a shower because I didn’t get very dirty yesterday. I don’t have to get up quite yet.”
  • “The carpool will be late and I don’t like waiting for it, so I’ll stay here for just a minute or two more.”

Casey’s parents are helping him change his self-talk about wake-ups to:

“I know I would enjoy sleeping longer, but it is more important to comb my hair right now. I don’t want to spend all day with hair problems. I want to eat a good breakfast so I won’t feel hollow inside. I’m going to stick with the plan.”

thumbs upReinforcement encourages Casey to continue.

When he carries out his plan, Casey’s parents reinforce the behavior. “You did it!” or “Way to go!” But more importantly, they show them him how to listen for his own inner voice–his human spirit–telling him, “Well done! I did think about sleeping a little longer but I told myself that I wanted to have time to eat a bowl of cereal and I did!”

His parents show him how by practicing self-talk themselves.

When Casey is around, his mom says things like,”I controlled my anger. I did get mad at that kid, but I told myself not to yell at her and I didn’t! I put up with my frustrating feelings and they went away.”

failureThey include a provision for what to do in case Casey fails.

They know it’s not the end of the world when Casey doesn’t do it perfectly. Casey’s father said, “We’ve been talking together at the dinner table almost every night about what Casey has been planning and doing.  He wants to be responsible and independent.”

“Today he was late for the carpool and we asked him what he said to himself about it. Casey told us, ‘I told myself I want to hang in there. I’m not going to quit trying. I will teach myself to do what I really want to do.’

“I think Casey’s brain is gradually rewiring itself so he can think and plan.”

Tweetable: Self-talk helps children teach themselves to do what they really want to do. Here’s how. Click to Tweet

Psychologist Candace Backus shared these principles before she passed earlier this year.