Jun 1, 2015 | Nurture
Whenever I pack my suitcase for a trip, I check the weather at my destination and keep in mind the activities I will do there. Then I lay out my clothes on the bed and when I’m satisfied that I didn’t forget anything, they go into the suitcase. Generally speaking, I know what I will need.
But what about packing for children?
Most of them are not nearly as organized. And those who will be later in life aren’t developmentally ready to pack their own suitcases yet.
In this series on life purpose, we’re looking specifically at their journey toward meaning and happiness.
Fortunately, we have concrete data provided to us by the children themselves. Their blueprint—their abilities, strengths, talents, purpose, divine connection, subject matter they like working with, way of relating to others, and more—is within them already. These give us important clues about what they will need packed in their suitcases on their journeys toward meaning and happiness.
In order to know what they will need, we’ve been watching them since birth with an eye toward discovering their innate gifts and passions and potential. For instance, what can you see in the examples below?
A nine-year-old girl climbs higher up into the tree than any of the other dozen or so children at the party in the park. She nimbly climbs way up into the thin branches and then shouts joyfully down to make sure the adults are paying attention and acknowledging her progress.
What do you know about this girl– just based on two sentences? What talents and skills does she possess? What kind of affirmation is she (literally in this case) asking for? What does she not naturally see on her own?
A six-year-old boy has been dragged around to big event after big event because all of his extended 
family is in town for a wedding. He doesn’t say much, but watches carefully. Finally, after discovering that he has yet another gathering to attend, he bursts into tears and cannot stop crying. His parents make an unscheduled stop at a library to give him time to sit in a quiet corner and read.
What do you know about this boy? What would you guess has been going on inside his head? How could you encourage him to process all of his observations? What are his parents teaching him about self-care?
Based upon your knowledge of the children, what do we pack so they have what they need to find purpose and happiness?
- Lessons and coaching
- Experiences and activities
- Tools and materials
- Individuals and groups
- Self awareness and self care
- Knowledge and wisdom
For example, the girl may need lessons in caution. She may also need to be given a wider berth of experiences and activities to play to her strengths. The boy may need “permission” to practice regular time alone to take care of himself. He may also need a creative outlet for processing all of his observations.
Knowing the uniquenesses of the children helps you pack the right items in their suitcases–the ones they will need on their journey.
Next week: Be aware of your dream to raise impressive children
Tweetable: What are we packing for our child’s journey toward meaning and happiness? Find six essentials here. Click to Tweet
Apr 13, 2015 | Nourishment
Russian painter Wassily Kandinsky, writing in 1910, teaches us that artists create as a spiritual impulse. Notice how art breaks down walls for a young boy, Jeremiah, and opens channels with some of our most hurting children.
Creating chaos
Jeremiah’s presence is obvious in almost all social situations. He walks into a room and demands the attention of the people there, both young and old. Often he acts out this demand for attention in the form of all kinds of language choices and violent behavior. It is a creation of chaos.
At first, Caroline Cheek, a mentor at QC Family Tree is “astonished to see all of this chaos stirred up by such a small person, but he is force. His need to create a response in his environment captured me.”
Paper and crayons and a curious friend to draw with him.
Jeremiah is a six-year-old friend of Caroline’s. She and Jeremiah began making art together every week.
I pulled out some paper and crayons….Within minutes Jeremiah was focused, drawing a spider. He told me the story of the spider, about its arms and eyes, and about the bite it had under its eye. His ability to communicate through his imagination is fascinating.
On another day, he talked about needing peace and quiet. I ask, “Where do you go for peace and quiet?”
He drew a picture of a tree with birds all around, where his pet lizard is buried nearby. He explained that he needed to go there when he felt angry. Anger comes up a lot in Jeremiah’s drawings. He is so smart, and he witnesses so much.
With each encounter with Jeremiah, every expressive moment, I feel the walls of my heart open more and more, and motivate me to keep showing up with crayons and listening.
Art is often an outlet for children when they don’t have the words for what they want to communicate.
Through his drawings he tells me stories of death, conflict, comfort and hope. So he reminds me of
- the work that is to be done
- the injustice that is ever present in his world
- the hope that we can find healing through relationships.
How could art be a creative channel for the children in your life?
Tweetable: Here’s another way to open a communication channel with our most hurting children. Click to Tweet
Mar 30, 2015 | Direction
All of us reached adolescence with childhood beliefs, values and morals that needed evaluation.
Beliefs enter a child’s mind and get established in the mental operating system* without a healthy evaluation of the basis for the belief. In a child’s brain, the ability to reason is not yet fully developed.
When children reach adolescence with little attention given to their childhood beliefs….
- We may hear something like this boy’s explanation: “Faith is believing what you know isn’t so.”
- They are less likely to come to parents, now preferring peers and those outside of the family.
Take Easter–the resurrection of Jesus Christ–for instance.
Christianity maintains that Jesus died on a cross and three days later, came back to life and was seen by multiple eyewitnesses.
I suspect that for many of the 2 billion people who identify as Christians, this doctrine remains a hard-to-understand mystery. Some older children may leave Sunday’s Easter Service concluding that the resurrection is incomprehensible and therefore nonsense.
Preteens beginning to evaluate their beliefs usually want our assistance:
- Begin by listening intently to the child’s belief. Clarify until you can precisely express the child’s belief back to him (and the child says “yes, that’s it”).
- Use the same active listening to unpack the child’s conflict, doubt, question about their belief–so that you can state it precisely and the child says, “yes, that’s it.”
- Brainstorm options for checking the accuracy of the belief–resurrection–in our example (weigh evidence from science, history):
- Talk to trustworthy people who see the issues from different perspectives.
- Search the Internet: evidence for resurrection
- Find a workshop, seminar, documentary, book
- Ask, “Which option is best for you?”
By allowing the child to own their choice you teach them how to approach doubts and questions when you aren’t around.
*to borrow a phrase from psychiatrist Timothy Jennings.
Mar 16, 2015 | Attachment
Children want and need adults to take the lead in developing their their conscience, character, morals, values. But many of us are uncomfortable talking about it. Some believe that we need never bring up spiritual matters at all, others feel that we must instill our own beliefs into children. What if the uncomfortable feelings about spiritual conversations are coming from the adults, not from the children? What if we work on the assumption that spiritual awareness already exists in the heart of every child?
How would that lower our personal discomfort? What small changes could we make to increase our confidence in dealing with our child’s spiritual curiosity?
1. Establish a family ritual or routine.
Some parents put it into the bedtime routine for consistency’s sake: bath time, reading a book, saying a prayer or answering a question. It becomes a normal part of everyday life, eliminating the awkwardness
Exif JPEG
A friend of mine asks four daily questions of her 12-year-old twin grandsons whom she is raising:
- Best thing that happened to you today
- Worst thing
- Thing you need God’s help with tomorrow
- Thing you are most grateful for today. “I like ending with the gratitude reminder,” she explains.
2. Use normal life experiences to weave values into everyday conversations.
Make an observation or ask a question when you see the opportunity. This tells children that it’s okay for them to ask questions or talk about qualities of spirit. One adoptive mother compares talking about spirituality to talking about adoption:
In all of the adoption literature, parents are told again and again to initiate talking about adoption with their children. When the parents never mention it, they are communicating to their child a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy: Let’s act like adoption isn’t part of the equation to help the child feel more “normal.”
Yet the reality is that the child needs to engage with and process that part of their history. Counter-intuitively, talking about it is what actually normalizes it. Many adoptive children who are now adults say that they were afraid to ask their adoptive parents questions for fear of hurting their feelings or upsetting them. They assumed that silence on the subject of their adoption was caused by the parents’ discomfort with the subject.
In the same way, we normalize spiritual awareness by noticing it in everyday life. Nine times out of ten, children let it pass without comment. But once in a while they use the opportunity to ask a question or launch a discussion.
Tweetable:
- Changes in your lifestyle that show respect for your child’s spiritual curiosity. Click to Tweet
- Two ideas that can lower our discomfort with our child’s spiritual development. Click to Tweet
Mar 2, 2015 | Nourishment
Through music, we teach children how to recognize and process certain spiritual experiences and messages coming to them. Music opens a child’s spirit like nothing else does. They can sing out their joyful feelings. They can use an instrument to celebrate life or to play out their sorrow in a minor key. Budding musicians make music with all their soul. And some kids use music as a way to express their feelings toward God.
How does music influence your child’s spiritual and emotional well-being?
Notice in the following example how music met this child’s deep need:
My first music performance was at the orphanage with an audience of other children at House-Grandmother’s. They encouraged my love for singing and performance when no one else did.
Music kept up the spirit of this woman I interviewed about her childhood spirituality. Through years of foster care and orphanage life, music “supported me as a child. I also came to my first awareness of God as someone who loved me unconditionally.”
Do you notice how emotion and spirit connected in her inner life? The same may be true of your child in certain situations.
Music can help a child calm herself.
After children have an angry outburst or an upset, they have their own ways of expressing their wish for peace and calm to return. Can you think of times when music played a part in reducing your child’s stress?
Music helps children rise above their circumstances.
Newspaper reporter Steve Lopez was at the County Jail with members of the Los Angeles Philharmonic. He spoke to an inmate who links her spiritual well-being and music:
Music digs deep into my soul. Melody calls me, it’s soothing, and it lets me know I’m safe emotionally and spiritually, and I can go where I want to go.
Through music we help our children recognize and process spiritual experiences and messages coming to them.
Tweetable: Through music, children and teens absorb perspectives about the nature of life, humanity, redemption and love. Click to Tweet
