We all have a spiritual history. Awareness of our history—experiences, stories, defaults, blindspots–allows us to be fair with the important children in our lives.
A personal example–one of my blindspots
My spiritual history contains a chapter of my life in which I insisted on getting people to agree with my religious perspective. I felt responsible for their faith decisions.
My shift from ignorance to awareness
I don’t recall when or how I shifted from ignorance to awareness. Suddenly I recognized each man, woman and child is on his or her own journey of spiritual discovery and it may take them somewhere different from mine. I backed away from playing God in the lives of my friends to understand God is guiding them on their own path. I carry the same attitude into my conversations with children now.
Notice how another parent was confronted with her own spiritual history– and ambivalence– as she tried to answer her child’s questions.
My husband and I were raised in a Catholic family although our parents never had us attend Mass unless it was for a wedding, etc. The other day, we were passing by this gorgeous church in downtown Oakland and my 3 1/2 year-old asked me what it was. I told her it was a church.
She said: “Is that a place to go for lunch?”
And then… I tried to find the words to explain that some people go there to think about loved ones that are gone, etc… Too complicated!!!!
Our view on spirituality is that we are non-religious persons believing that there is something or someone out there but we don’t really know what/who. And that religion is the answer to humans about everything we couldn’t understand, or to control population. How to explain this?
Questions to increase mindfulness of your spiritual history
What do you remember about your first awareness of God?
In what ways did your parents or other caregivers engage with your early spiritual development?
What were your early ideas of what God was like? What positive emotions did you associate with God? What negative emotions?
What stories did your parents tell you of their spiritual history?
Tweetable: Awareness of our spiritual history increases the likelihood we’ll be fair when we discuss religion with kids. Click to Tweet
Spirituality is passed on from generation to generation. How can you help the important children in your life learn to offer strength of spirit to others?
Look at the peer counselor-mentor programs in schools.
In all the programs I studied, teachers select children to be mentors-helpers who display traits and qualities arising from the human spirit, like honesty, caring, tolerant of differences and interested in guiding others. They may help students make a smooth transition into a new school or increase acceptance of students with diverse needs.
A child’s experience of God is just as legitimate as that of an adult.
But passing along spirituality to others can be fraught with many pitfalls and misconceptions. So we show children how to do this appropriately through modeling, dialogue and encouragement.
Here are a few specific strategies for passing along spiritual vision to others.
Adapt them to fit your context and faith tradition.
Because I take classes, read, and am active in a faith community, I demonstrate to the child that the spiritual journey is lifelong.
I talk about and model my own life purpose with the child. The child has heard me describe very simply the essentials of my faith and what I believe God is like.
When the child asks me questions about God, heaven, etc, I tell him or her what I believe to be true, add one differing viewpoint, then ask what the child thinks.
I teach the child about the major world religions and their founders.
I know the spiritual legacy I want to leave in the lives of my family and friends, and I am working toward that goal.
We must never try to force or convince, yet we must still be open to children and adults who are curious and seeking. After all, consider how grateful we are to those who shared their spirituality with us in positive ways. We needed their help and guidance and they were there for us. We can be there for the children in our lives as well, and we model for them how they can in turn pass that benefit on to others.
Tweetable: Passing along spirituality to children can be fraught with many misconceptions. A new perspective here. Click to Tweet
I watch my grandchildren regularly while their parents are working. One day I drove them and their friends on a day trip to a nearby town. It was supposed to be a fun trip, but the car was full and noisy.
One of my grandchildren in particular was acting up and arguing about some small point. After several back-and-forth exchanges, I lost my temper and yelled at the child. Suddenly, the whole car was silent.
Sound familiar? This grandfather realized he messed up. It is an almost universal aspiration for children and adults–even grandfathers–to recognize that we have certain weaknesses, flaws or character defects we want to change.
And what did this grandfather do?
I pulled over to the side of the road and turned around to apologize. I explained how sometimes I lose my temper and shouldn’t have responded like that. I talked about a few ways I’m trying to work on changing this.
Later I heard that this incident made a big impression on one of the grandchild’s friends. He’d never heard an adult apologize to a child before, especially without blaming the child for the anger.
6 SPECIFIC IDEAS TO FACE DOWN FLAWS:
1. Admit my weaknesses.
I am able to admit my mistakes and weaknesses in the child’s presence. I speak of my willing attitude to open myself up to God for help in overcoming.
2. Put my strengths to work.
Since I know my own talents, strengths and skills, I am able to speak freely to the child about using my strengths, together with God’s, to accomplish much.
3. Think, reflect, analyze.
I encourage time for my own reflection on great teachings and spiritual experiences, and I talk to the child about the degree to which I’ve allowed them to transform my inner life.
4. Illustrate life lessons through storytelling.
I use my memories and stories to explain life lessons to the child, yet recognizing that their experiences will be different.
5. Evaluate and change my flaws.
I set aside regular times of reflection upon my activities and use of my personal assets (money, time, energy), considering their effectiveness. I speak to the child about what I need to change and how I plan to go about it.
6. Notice positive changes and say so.
I comment on positive changes I notice in the child by describing, not judging, his or her journey of growth.
The ideas above are built on the foundational assumption that you yourself are also engaged in a journey of personal transformation.
In which of the points above do you engage regularly? Which do you need to be more intentional about? What responses have you seen in children when you practiced these behaviors?
TWEETABLE: As children develop a conscience; many want the help offered here to change bad behavior.Click to Tweet
For young children, Christmas and Halloween are very much alike: one is a time to get presents and the other is a time to get candy. Older children are more likely to hear friends speak of Christmas as Jesus’ birthday, which may give rise to questions about why Jesus is so important that his birthday is a holiday.
I asked some adults this question and here’s what they say:
Jesus was a good teacher. We can read the book of Luke in the Bible to learn more about what he taught.
Jesus was born, not just as an ordinary baby, but sent by God to show us how to get closer to God and understand better what God is like.
Jesus was God’s gift to us, so we celebrate his birthday by giving gifts to each other.
It is not only Jesus’ teachings which make him so remarkable
…although these would be enough to give him a holiday of his own. It is a combination of the teachings with the man himself.
Here’s what Jesus himself said about why he came into the world
My purpose is to give you a full and satisfying life.
I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.
The one who sent me is with me–I always do what pleases him.
Ask children why Jesus’ birthday gets him his own holiday
Ask them what they think about Jesus and Christmas. Their answers in this 2 minute video may surprise you, bring you the biggest smile (laugh) of your day, and inspire you to ask them some questions.
Tweetable: Children try to answer simple questions about Christmas in a 2 minute video here. Click to Tweet
My friends Laura and Mamitte (not their real names) were having coffee at Mamitte’s apartment while their 7-year-old boys and a neighbor boy played in the courtyard. Mamitte walked out to check on them and discovered that they had smashed a bunch of snails. She said to them, “Oh, I am so saddened by this,” and returned to the apartment to figure out, along with Laura, what to do about it.
What’s really important, they decided, is the greater lesson of how we treat creatures.
When both women went outside, the boys began to play “he said/she said” about who actually smashed and who watched. But Mamitte asked them if they were willing to gather the snails’ bodies and put them to rest in God’s earth. The boys said they were willing to participate.
They gathered the snails’ bodies.
As they did, they had time to process and look at what they had actually done. They then put the snails in the specified resting place.
Mamitte asked them if they wanted to say something.
Ethan said, “We ask God to forgive us for how we treated the snails.”
Raul said, “And forgive me for not protecting them.”
Logan sang a little song and said, “And that God would give them a home and love them in heaven.”
Then they all said Amen.
The moms decided to take it one step further.
Because the snails had been smashed all over a long bench in this courtyard where everyone sits, Mamitte got out rags and a cleaning solution to disinfect the bench and brought those out to the boys.
As they sat on the ground, scrubbing different parts of the bench, they bounced ideas back and forth to each other. It was all Mamitte and Laura could do to keep their mouths shut (a very important parenting skill).
The boys figure it all out on their own.
One says, “Gosh, I don’t want to be doing all this WORK right now. This is so much WORK and we could be playing.”
Another says, “Well, that’s what happens when we make bad choices.”
And as they’re going back and forth, the third boy says, “I. will. never. do. this. again.”
Those are the huge connections that we want–
They are experiencing the consequences of their actions.
The heart issue, the core of it, is that we shouldn’t treat other beings like that.
The two moms celebrated silently, standing behind the boys so they couldn’t see.
When they returned to their coffee cups in the apartment, they asked each other, “How did we do that—It worked so effectively?!”
Here’s what they came up with:
Our parenting was not reactive. Laura said, “My first instinct had been to take my son, rip him out of the courtyard, put him in the car and say, ‘Well, if you’re going to act that way over here, we can’t be over here.'”
We asked if they would be willing. Mamitte said to Laura, “When you approached them and stopped the bickering, you asked if they would be willing to gather the snails’ bodies. I was shocked, thinking, “I can’t believe she’s asking them because they aren’t going to do it.” And they all chose it! It wasn’t anything forced.
We found a teachable moment. Natural consequences are often the teachable moments. We guided them, we didn’t punish. We invited them to take responsibility to care for the snails’ bodies.
Tweetable: See how three boys increase in respect for all creatures at a memorial service for snails. Click to Tweet
The more they act out of their motivated abilities pattern*, the greater is a teenager’s satisfaction that they are using their life for its intended purpose –the purpose that they define, based upon the abilities, talents, skills, and temperament they see in themselves.
This exercise from the previous post gives teens in your life some concrete data about who they are: see this link: Guided questions motivational patterns.
They choose eight achievements from the data gathered from the questions.
These should be achievements that are the most important to them. For each item, they write:
how you got involved in it
the details of what you actually did
what was specifically enjoyable or satisfying to you
Look for the pattern
See the clear, strong connection between who you are and what you have done.
According to Miller and Mattson, the motivational pattern might be something like
improve/make better
meet needs/fulfill expectations
develop/build
be in charge/command
combat/prevail
acquire/possess
Knowing this, teens can now ask themselves: In what careers or environments will I be free to move in my motivated pattern? What educational path will best take me there?
“Isn’t that just like you?”
And so it is that we find the child acquiring his first scooter car when he is 4, his first bicycle at 8, his first car at 16, and his first house at age 30 is still acquiring money or material things at age 60.
The child defending her sister against a bully at age 9 is preoccupied at age 28 with her ministry to people facing personal tragedy or death and is making friends with former gang members at age 45.
Maybe what teens should do with their lives can be found, in large part, within what they have been doing all along.
We all have a spiritual history. Awareness of our history—experiences, stories, defaults, blindspots–allows us to be fair with the important children in our lives.
A personal example–one of my blindspots
Questions to increase mindfulness of your spiritual history
Spirituality is passed on from generation to generation. How can you help the important children in your life learn to offer strength of spirit to others?
In all the programs I studied, teachers select children to be mentors-helpers who display traits and qualities arising from the human spirit, like honesty, caring, tolerant of differences and interested in guiding others. They may help students make a smooth transition into a new school or increase acceptance of students with diverse needs.
One of my grandchildren in particular was acting up and arguing about some small point. After several back-and-forth exchanges, I lost my temper and yelled at the child. Suddenly, the whole car was silent.
My friends Laura and Mamitte (not their real names) were having coffee at Mamitte’s apartment while their 7-year-old boys and a neighbor boy played in the courtyard. Mamitte walked out to check on them and discovered that they had smashed a bunch of snails. She said to them, “Oh, I am so saddened by this,” and returned to the apartment to figure out, along with Laura, what to do about it.
Mamitte asked them if they wanted to say something.
The boys figure it all out on their own.
When they returned to their coffee cups in the apartment, they asked each other, “How did we do that—It worked so effectively?!”
They choose eight achievements from the data gathered from the questions.