If we are going to help children find the misbeliefs in their self-talk and get rid of them, we should understand how they got there in the first place. They are not arbitrary. They come from somewhere, commonly from….
Hearing something repeatedly
Not being told something they needed to hear
Being left on their own emotionally when they were very young to handle a traumatic life event
Truth or Myth? How can they tell the difference?
Consider this standard of evaluation and tailor it to fit your values and beliefs.
MYTHS/MISBELIEFS. . .
TRUTH. . .
are judgmental
are critical
are accusatory
tear down
destroy
produce fear
take away hope
is forgiving
gives value
allows mistakes
builds up
strengthens
gives peace
gives hope
“The lies we tell other people are nothing compared to the lies we tell ourselves.”
― Derek Landy
Where can children look to find truth about themselves?
Kids find truth about themselves in the faces and words of loving, caring adults.
Be intentional about noticing the child’s most intense feelings: hurt, embarrassed, angry, ashamed or afraid. That’s when they are more likely to tell themselves a lie and believe it. As the adult, speak up with short, truthful statements during these experiences. For example:
Parents fighting or arguing: “All parents fight sometimes,“ or “Parents can argue and still love each other.”
Child admits she doesn’t want to like her new stepdad because it’s unfair to her dad and it would hurt his feelings if he knew: “It’s okay to let yourself love your stepdad. You can love your dad and like (or even love) your stepdad at the same time. You can never have too many people to love and who love you in your life!”
Kids find truth about themselves in sacred writings the family looks to.
As an example, for families who name the Bible as a source of truth, they find statements about themselves – I am God’s child; I cannot lose God’s love; I have a purposeful future; God doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want, but I know God is still watching over me.
“You desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” Psalm 51:6
Conversation starters and games to increase a child’s positive inner speech
Ages 2-5
Taking the photo: “You can do lots of things well. What are some of them?” Guide the child to think of something he or she does well. Then take their picture– running, jumping, riding a bike; or let them choose an object depicting what they do well, such as a ball, spatula or puzzle. Let the child decide who to send the picture to.
Talent Show (at a family gathering or with neighbor kids): Each (preschool) child tells one of the things they do well (e.g. twirling, hugging, whistling, somersault). Give them time “on stage” to do it alone. Then ask him/her to lead the others in doing it too.
(best with extended family or friends) Each person makes a true statement (e.g. favorite color, food, activity; where they go to school). Explain that we will go around again and have them share another statement, only this time they can say something that is true or not true. The others have a chance to guess which it is.
Tweetable:4 games and activities with kids to strengthen positive self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet
Whether it’s “I’m the stupidest kid in my whole math class” or “Okay, I can do this,” we’re familiar with the collection of messages children play in their heads. Self-talk is everything a child believes to be true ….
…. about the way things work in the world
…. about themselves in relationship to the world
…. about a higher power, and that being’s impact on their lives
Self-talk statements usually go unchallenged
Self-talk messages are powerful because kids believe them to be true and consequently, act as if they are true. However, their interpretations can be wrong, causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths.
For years, I’ve been teaching this in support groups for children, using curriculum by Linda Sibley, who has given permission to share these solutions. I’ve seen firsthand how they work.
Over the next several weeks we will dig into our role in helping children challenge their developing self-talk so they learn to evaluate whether what they are saying to themselves is accurate. Conversation starters and games will give you moments to build on in the years to come.
But first, reflect on your own self-talk as you respond to your life experiences.
You may want to increase self-awareness by answering some of following questions as they relate to your growing-up years:
What were the verbal messages given to you? (take care of yourself; you’re clumsy; you can do no wrong; get lost)
Was it okay to be good in some school subjects, but not in others?
Were you teased by your peers for anything?
Were you part of the in-crowd – or the out-crowd?
What did you learn from media about money, violence and sex and the part they play in life?
Did you measure yourself by rich, famous or beautiful people?
Was your church or temple accepting and empowering? Judgmental and strict?
Were you ever shamed, embarrassed or put down by clergy or a self-proclaimed religious person?
What wisdom did you gain from the above life lessons and personal experiences? How did you learn to change your negative self-talk to positive?
Tweetable:
Kids believe self-talk is true causing them to accept as truth conclusions that are actually myths. Click to Tweet
You can do something to quiet the negative, critical voice in a child’s inner speech. Click to Tweet
Most of us have experienced first-hand, in our lifetime, the disappearance of silence. Our distracting and distracted culture influences the children in our lives. As Glenn Hinson said,
“Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.”
We recognize how uninterrupted distraction diverts attention away from the most important matters in a child’s (and our) life:
emotional upsets needing perspective
decisions calling for wisdom
important relationships deserving time and effort (including God)
How hard it is for me to catch on!
Silence allows me to maintain the connection between my inner life and my many activities. Whenever I get to spend time with the children in my family, or with family friends, I usually think first of what fun activities we can do together. Yet I’ve seen how a quiet car ride home gives the children time to process the events. I’m learning to pay attention to silence, and not to fill it with chatter.
What can we do about it?
Practical ideas for different ages:
Ages 1-5
Create a Quiet Place. Have a few inspirational books, a plush animal, a small blanket, a favorite toy, a bean bag chair or large pillow in an area of the home. Kids can use their creativity to add simple decorations. Let them know they can go there when the noise level in the house is uncomfortable or when they are sad or mad. (This is not time-out; the child is not sent there.)
Ages 5-10
In addition to a Quiet Place in the home, where they go without handhelds, plan intentional one-on-one time for nature walks, bike rides, lying in the yard looking at stars. Teach them some simple relaxation techniques.
Ages 11-17
If parents provided opportunities like a Quiet Place in the early years, teens may have internalized the rewards of silence and know how to provide it for themselves as a means of self-care. Encourage teens to take a “digital fast” away from the demands of their phones. Even a few hours can be a restful respite. Some may want to try a “silent retreat,” like this one described in HuffPost.
“God is the friend of silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” –Mother Teresa
Tweetable:
A wise person said, “Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.” A few ways to provide children with silence. Click to Tweet
Ideas about how silence can have a powerful role in a child’s active, noisy life. Go here. Click to Tweet
A captivating 4-minute animated video sheds light on the mystery of how children find their life purpose.
A friend of Bill’s, one of our blog readers, explains that Bill died in October 2015 in the mountains of Ethiopia while on assignment for his employer, The Field Museum in Chicago, doing what he loved.
Finding what we love is part of the spiritual journey.
We have talents, aptitudes, feelings, intelligence, traits and a human spirit. Everything about us is woven together so that we are able to find and do what we love. Whether we see God’s design and involvement in this or a specific combination of DNA coming together by chance, both perspectives flow together into the same message: Nurture a child’s fascination.
What adults did to cause Bill to flip the switch of purpose:
In-home resources: He had access to a book about butterflies.
Introduction to a person who does what Bill loves: His mother knew about, and took him to, a museum where he got expert advice.
“You can handle this”: His mother sent him in to speak to the Curator of Insects alone.
Genuine praise and respect from the curator: “I have never seen a better-prepared specimen. How did you do it?”
Follow-up loop: The curator gave Bill the proper supplies, with the directive to make another specimen and “Bring it back to me.”
In Bill’s career overseeing all of the 30 million specimens and objects in the Field Museum, he helped to flip the switch in many young minds. Bill said the solutions to the problems that plague our world are dependent on these young people.
Tweetable:
Captivating 4-minute animation sheds light on the mystery of how children find their life purpose. Click to Tweet
Nurture a child’s fascination and prepare their brain to flip The Switch. Click to Tweet
Many figures throughout history who have fought against injustice acted out of a deep sense of spiritual direction. They were compelled, so to speak.
Some of those who are children now will grow up to be agents of transformation.
They may not all get written up in the history books of tomorrow, but they can all make a difference in the world around them– in ways both big and small. How can we help them discover the ways God may be calling them to make a difference in their world?
In your context, what opportunities do you see?
When the child is upset by a particular injustice, I discuss risks and rewards of involvement in the cause.
I encourage the child to read biographies of historical figures they admire for standing against injustice.
The child could take part in some local push for change.
I can model responsible social involvement, such as volunteering, recycling, voting, and being aware of current events.
When I see the child make a positive difference in their environment– even in a small way– I highlight it and praise them for it.
For one grandmother, it looked like this:
I live in an older neighborhood that has become increasingly run down and dangerous over the years. We used to have a large store nearby, but it got torn down and became an empty lot that was seeing more and more gang activity.
Some of us who have lived here for years planned a meeting to talk about what could be done, and my 16-year-old grandson happened to be visiting when the time for the meeting came around. He tagged along with me, bringing his iPhone so he’d have something to do.
But I noticed during the course of the meeting that he was texting less and listening more.
Based on what he heard, he decided to get involved in bringing change to the neighborhood. He helped clean up the empty lot. He contacted the city councilman for our district to ask for funds to make the area into a small park. He even volunteered with an organization that moved into the area to provide a safe place for kids to hang out after school.
He jokes and tells me that he’s just doing it because it will look good on college applications, but I know better. He knows now that his actions can make a difference– he’s caught the bug for community activism.
Tweetable:
What adults can do now to guide those children who will grow up to be agents of transformation. Click to Tweet
How can we help children discover how God may be calling them to make a difference in their world? Click to Tweet
The experience of God is certainly unique to each individual. Some speak of God as largely inside of us. Others say God is watching us from a distance. Even in religious families who share a theology, each family member walks on his or her own daily path in relationship to God.
How can I show children some possible avenues for experiencing God?
Perhaps some of the ideas below will spark your thinking, fitting them into your understanding of God, if necessary.
When difficult or frightening events have occurred in my life, I have explained to the child how I sensed God was present with me.
I am able to discuss with the child the varied avenues or ways God has used to communicate with me and/or others.
I am in touch with God’s presence in the world and see evidence of God working behind the scenes. I am able to engage in conversations with the child about “coincidences.”
When the child expresses disappointment or doubt, I respond with empathy. I encourage him or her to take those feelings directly to God, emphasizing that God is not put off by them.
One father told his kids how he found God communicating with him (see #2 above):
Now I am not someone who claims to hear from God regularly and you know I’m not particularly religious. But there is one time in my life—when the two of you were just a few years old—that I am convinced God was speaking to me.
I was about to go for a snowmobile ride and in all the many times I have gone snowmobiling I have never used a helmet. But this particular day I had this strong sense of a voice telling me to put on a helmet. It wasn’t an audible voice, but it was just as insistent as if it were.
I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn’t go away: “Put on a helmet.” I didn’t even own a helmet. After a couple of hours, I finally gave up and went out to go buy a helmet. I wore it that day and got into a terrible accident where I broke both legs, one arm, and a lot of ribs. The doctor said I would definitely have died if not for the helmet.
I believe that was God’s way of trying to keep me alive because he knew your mother would be dying of cancer just a few years later.
Our task is to give a firm footing to a child’s experience of God.
Tweetable: 4 ideas to guide your conversation when a child talks about sensing or experiencing God. Click to Tweet
If we are going to help children find the misbeliefs in their self-talk and get rid of them, we should understand how they got there in the first place. They are not arbitrary. They come from somewhere, commonly from….
Kids find truth about themselves in the faces and words of loving, caring adults.
Kids find truth about themselves in sacred writings the family looks to.
Whether it’s “I’m the stupidest kid in my whole math class” or “Okay, I can do this,” we’re familiar with the collection of messages children play in their heads. Self-talk is everything a child believes to be true ….
You may want to increase self-awareness by answering some of following questions as they relate to your growing-up years:
Most of us have experienced first-hand, in our lifetime, the disappearance of silence. Our distracting and distracted culture influences the children in our lives. As Glenn Hinson said,
Create a Quiet Place. Have a few inspirational books, a plush animal, a small blanket, a favorite toy, a bean bag chair or large pillow in an area of the home. Kids can use their creativity to add simple decorations. Let them know they can go there when the noise level in the house is uncomfortable or when they are sad or mad. (This is not time-out; the child is not sent there.)
f parents provided opportunities like a Quiet Place in the early years, teens may have internalized the rewards of silence and know how to provide it for themselves as a means of self-care. Encourage teens to take a “digital fast” away from the demands of their phones. Even a few hours can be a restful respite. Some may want to try a “
A captivating 4-minute animated video sheds light on the mystery of how children find their life purpose.
School children often learn about historical figures who change their country through their fight against injustice. 
For one grandmother, it looked like this:
The experience of God is certainly unique to each individual. Some speak of God as largely inside of us. Others say God is watching us from a distance. Even in religious families who share a theology, each family member walks on his or her own daily path in relationship to God.
Perhaps some of the ideas below will spark your thinking, fitting them into your understanding of God, if necessary.