Feb 20, 2017 | Security
Regardless of our differences in religion, language or ideas, there is no heart that is without an inner divine reference. And each family seems to have a unique impression about when, how and if God makes known his thoughts and feelings toward them, often referred to as blessings. What impressions about God’s blessing are you imparting to the children in your family?
From one of my interviews about spirituality emerged this family’s image of a God who does not bless, but forgets, entire groups of people.
As a young child, if I questioned my family about God or spiritual things, it was often tossed aside as unimportant and not for people like us, that is, those who God forgets.
My grandmother considered our family in the group of those God forgets because we didn’t go to church and there was just too much disaster and brokenness in our lives.
A second family presents a God whose nature is to bless.
Our parental blessing was invested with a certain higher power, intended for the good of our children.
May God bless you and guard you.
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.
To this day, the blessing is prized highly by the children. The value of the benediction repeatedly spoken by the father and mother represents the working of forces that make for righteousness, and the continuity of the Jewish spirit.*
Adult family members can invoke God’s blessing, in their own words and style:
- Bob Dylan’s parental blessing in song: “May God bless and keep you always….. …May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you,
May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong.
May you stay forever young…..”*
- “God, may the people in my life never be left wondering if they are of value to you or to me. Help me to bless them with my words and my actions. Remind me not to leave my words to chance but use them to protect, encourage and renew.” (my prayer)
- “When inspired, I bless my son noting milestones in his life from the past week and anything else that moves me about my relationship with him. There are no specific formulations to these personal prayers, just simple sentiments like, ‘May you continue to approach the smallest discoveries in life with wonder and joy’ or ‘May I continue to learn how to be the best mother to you.’ (Dasee Berkowitz)
What do your blessings toward your children look like in your family?
*Jewish Encyclopedia: “Ethics of Judaism,” pt. ii., p. 213; Bob Dylan, “Forever Young.” Published by Lyrics © BOB DYLAN MUSIC CO
Tweetable:
- Regardless of our differences in religion or ideas no heart is without an inner divine reference. Click to Tweet
- Adult family members can invoke God’s blessing on kids in their own words and style. Some examples here. Click to Tweet
Dec 26, 2016 | Security
Young children are creatures of routine. As much as they may love the occasional adventure, they feel safer knowing they can fall back into their familiar patterns.
See how this father creates a sense of security by making predictable routines for his son’s life:
“I have been actively guiding and setting boundaries with my little one and I know it takes a lot of practice and consistent monitoring. Generally, he will cry for a moment but then want me to comfort him. Before long he runs off to the next project. It is nice to see that he recovers so quickly. When I keep him and those around him (our dog) safe he does have a good time and laughs a lot.”
The human spirit develops a sense of safety in a similar way.
Basic building blocks of spirituality are
- a healthy sense of oneself as a human being and unique individual
- attending to things of eternal significance
Giving children your undivided attention when issues of self-image, conscience or character show up in your interactions with them will help them develop an inner sense of safety.
The beautiful part is that children with a deep sense of safety– physically, emotionally, and spiritually– give themselves the freedom to explore, risk and discover.
Routines that contribute to growth in their human spirit
Ages 12-36 months
- Name the child’s emotions: When your bath is finished, you feel happy.
- Respond as quickly as possible when the child indicates a need like reaching for a book.
- Fold hands before meals to establish a routine of gratitude.
Ages 3-6 years
- When possible, make snacks and meals at the same time every day, building security around “having enough.”.
- Encourage the child to stay at the table for the duration of the meal for social interaction.
Tweetable::
- Keep developing your young child’s inner sense of security with these practical ideas for 18 mo – 6 yrs. Click to Tweet
- Routines here can give young children a sense of safety allowing freedom to explore, risk and discover. Click to Tweet
Nov 7, 2016 | Security
In early Spring, when we tore open seed packets of carrots and pumpkins, the golden days of harvest were far away. I like what Ann Voskamp says, “The seeds, they fall into my hand small, jewels. But to look at seeds and believe they will feed us? When…it doesn’t look like near enough. When it looks like less than a handful instead of a plateful, a year full, a life full. When it looks inedible. These seeds, they are food? It looks like a bit of a joke. To hand someone seeds…and ask him to believe in a feast?”
Being mindful of the future feast in a child’s life
When kids are what we seed, it can help to take time from life’s busyness to recapture what our hopes and dreams are for their spiritual life. Here’s a visualization exercise:
- What character traits do you want to see in them?
- What character flaws will be holding them back?
- Where will they turn for their inner guidance system?
- What relationship will they have with a Higher Power?
- How much self-awareness will they possess?
- To whom will they turn for help and support?
Honor the ordinaryness of everyday life
From the earliest years, when adults shape the entire life experience of infants and toddlers, through the child’s growth in self-awareness, conscience, and responsibility, we are modeling and teaching, listening and supporting. But we don’t expect to see any signs of harvest yet.
“A small thing is just a small thing. But faithfulness in small things is a very great thing.” (A. Carmichael)
“What would happen today if we saw all the not-enough, too-little in a child’s life to be but a seed? asks Ann Voskamp. “Small somethings growing into a more wonderful future. Believe it. All feasts began as seeds.”
Conversation starters for older children
- What do you want your life harvest to be?
- How do you know if you’re planting the right seeds to get you that harvest?
- Agree or disagree (and why): Some people think they’ll only get a harvest if they are successful or special.
- Someone said: “When you think about it—we cannot not produce a harvest.” What do you think that means?
Tweetable: A visualization exercise here clarifies the hopes and dreams we hold for a kid’s solid inner life. Click to Tweet
Mar 21, 2016 | Security
“There were maybe 5 kids sitting in a car across the street,” author Kara Powell says, recalling how she tripped and fell as a teenager. “I remember them laughing at me as I picked myself up. But that was in front of five kids, and it was over in five minutes. Today, if someone caught a moment like that on a smartphone and shared it on social media, that shame could live with the kid for the rest of high school.”
The merging of public and private
In recent years, awareness of shame has intensified in our society and our children are not immune. Psychologist Brene Brown describes an inner sense of unworthiness, often rooted in trauma and embarrassing experiences. Children may come to feel they are bad or good based upon what their community says about them.
The Hunger Games
Andy Crouch observes that some of the most powerful dynamics of today’s youth culture are preoccupied with shame and fame. In the Hunger Games trilogy, Katniss Everdeen and her fellow tributes make every move under the watchful eyes of her nation’s culture of spectacle. “The power of the trilogy is that it centers on a young woman trying to maintain goodness and honor in a world that seems to offer only fame and shame,” observes Mr. Crouch.
Resilience to shame
He continues, “The remedy for shame is not becoming famous. It is not even being affirmed. It is being incorporated into a community with new, different and better standards for honor. It’s a community where [for example] weakness is not excluded but valued; where honor-seeking and boasting are repudiated, where connection is important.” This kind of community can give children shame resilience.
Children who believe in God experience shame resilience when they internalize the good news of God’s provisions for covering shame and guilt.
Furthermore, children acquire shame resilience as we encourage them toward self-care, which may mean pulling away from unhealthy people and self-defeating situations. The ability to differentiate and yet maintain the connection can be profoundly redemptive.”
How do you generate shame resilience for the important children in your life?
(Note: Mr. Crouch’s complete article here.)
Tweetable:
- Awareness of shame has intensified in society but we can help our children build immunity. Click to Tweet
- How do you generate shame resilience for the important children in your life? Click to Tweet
Oct 12, 2015 | Security
Casey (age 9) has been learning to plan ahead so he gets to school on time. [see previous post]. But when he hears his 6:30 alarm, his self-talk thoughts begin:
- “It’s warm in my bed and cold in the house. I’m going to stay here and sleep just a few minutes more.”
- “I’m not hungry, so I can skip breakfast and stay in bed a little longer.”
- “I won’t take a shower because I didn’t get very dirty yesterday. I don’t have to get up quite yet.”
- “The carpool will be late and I don’t like waiting for it, so I’ll stay here for just a minute or two more.”
Casey’s parents are helping him change his self-talk about wake-ups to:
“I know I would enjoy sleeping longer, but it is more important to comb my hair right now. I don’t want to spend all day with hair problems. I want to eat a good breakfast so I won’t feel hollow inside. I’m going to stick with the plan.”
Reinforcement encourages Casey to continue.
When he carries out his plan, Casey’s parents reinforce the behavior. “You did it!” or “Way to go!” But more importantly, they show them him how to listen for his own inner voice–his human spirit–telling him, “Well done! I did think about sleeping a little longer but I told myself that I wanted to have time to eat a bowl of cereal and I did!”
His parents show him how by practicing self-talk themselves.
When Casey is around, his mom says things like,”I controlled my anger. I did get mad at that kid, but I told myself not to yell at her and I didn’t! I put up with my frustrating feelings and they went away.”
They include a provision for what to do in case Casey fails.
They know it’s not the end of the world when Casey doesn’t do it perfectly. Casey’s father said, “We’ve been talking together at the dinner table almost every night about what Casey has been planning and doing. He wants to be responsible and independent.”
“Today he was late for the carpool and we asked him what he said to himself about it. Casey told us, ‘I told myself I want to hang in there. I’m not going to quit trying. I will teach myself to do what I really want to do.’
“I think Casey’s brain is gradually rewiring itself so he can think and plan.”
Tweetable: Self-talk helps children teach themselves to do what they really want to do. Here’s how. Click to Tweet
Psychologist Candace Backus shared these principles before she passed earlier this year.
Oct 5, 2015 | Security
If you were to ask Casey (age 9), “What are you going to do tomorrow?” he would probably reply, “I don’t know. I’ll wait and see.” Sometimes this attitude causes trouble for him.
When it is time to go to school, he is hardly ever ready. Most school mornings he is racing around to comb his hair and find his shoes. He arrives late at his friends’ birthday parties and when his mother had a birthday, he did not think to make her a card or give her a present.
Whenever the neighborhood boys talk about what sports they want to play next season or what they will be doing on Sunday, Casey cannot think of anything to say.
When Casey told his aunt about it, she had an idea that she hoped would strengthen his planning skills.
Notice these things in the story below about how Casey’s aunt enters into his world:
- He doesn’t know about tomorrow so she uses the language of today.
- He’s a fun-loving boy so she makes up a game.
Planning is the same as closing your eyes and pretending–like playing a game.
Let’s pretend that today is your birthday. How many people are at your party? Who are they? What games are you playing? What are your friends doing at the party? What day of the week is it? Is it morning? afternoon? What is everyone eating? When you open your presents, what is inside? She repeats the game with other events like Christmas and vacation.
Casey learns that he has the ability to think about any day he chooses.
Pretend that it is tomorrow (a school day with a 7:30 carpool pick-up) and pretend that you are doing what you need to do to be on time without hurrying. How are you waking up (i.e. alarm clock or family member)? What time are you getting up? What are you eating for breakfast? Are you taking a shower? Where is your backpack (shoes, comb)? While Casey is still imagining tomorrow in the scene he created…..
…his aunt asks, What did you do to be sure you were ready for the carpool?
She waits while Casey tries to answer, and in so doing, he tells himself what to do to be ready on time. At one point she helped him realistically re-work his plan when she sensed that he was far off-track.
But wait–there’s more. Next week: How Casey’s self-talk helps him plan successfully.
Tweetable: How children can learn that planning is the same as closing your eyes and pretending, like playing a game. Click to Tweet
Casey’s aunt said she learned these principles from psychologist Candace Backus before Ms. Backus passed earlier this year.
