Sep 8, 2015 | Security
One dad has been laying a spiritual foundation for his children based upon the truth about their higher power, as they understand it–God knows you, loves you and cares about you.
This dad shares his approach to helping his children know that they are known by God and loved by God. Notice how precisely his actions display the character of their higher power, combining emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence.
I make time when my kids want to discuss or emote on any part of their life.
I am creating space to be with them in what they are feeling and thinking. They can express what they’re experiencing and I don’t correct them. Sometimes I have to let go of what I think their outcome should be. Yet I am there to help them navigate out.
However, I also come to them when I am frustrated.
I’ve said out loud that it is hard for me not to get angry or that I’m probably not thinking clearly right now. Without burdening them with inappropriate adult details, I want to show them my emotional state, and how they can recognize their emotional state in what I am saying about mine.
In our interactions, I hope that my children are experiencing what they believe is true about their higher power:
There is a safety in coming to me with anything they feel or think. They won’t be corrected in how they feel. Because I make time and space to listen, I know my children, and I accept the fact that we have our differences, all the time loving and providing for them.
I am proud of their freedom to disagree intensely with people, be in direct conflict with people, but not feel personal offense and intense relational separation from them. They have the comfort of knowing that they are loved by God and us and they can love and respect those with whom they disagree.
How willing are you to share your internal world–including your upsets–with the children in your life?
Tweetable: Can adults display the character or nature of a child’s higher power? This dad gives it a try. Click to Tweet
Aug 31, 2015 | Security
Teens are by nature idealistic thinkers who desire meaning and purpose. They have begun looking around to see what others think and then to evaluate those ideas.
What does TV and popular culture tell us is the main goal of life? What do parents tell us is the main goal of life? What does their church-mosque-temple-etc. tell them is the main goal of life?
Most often, messages about purpose and meaning are not directly stated.
For instance, no TV show or movie I’m aware of says, “The main goal of life is romantic love.” But many make that statement indirectly.
Parents may say all manner of things, and their actions may or may not back up those stated beliefs: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
Saying one thing but meaning something else
Likewise, religious organizations may state one thing but indirectly communicate another. For example, the Westminster catechism (a common creed in Protestant circles) says, “The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever.” Yet a church that subscribes to this confession of faith may inadvertently communicate that the main purpose of life is to live a certain lifestyle by a certain set of rules.
Whether mixed messages come from religious institutions, parents, or popular culture, teens are adept at picking up on them quickly.
King Solomon’s great experiment
Try this reading assignment: You and a teen in your life agree to read the book of Ecclesiastes. Taken from ancient sacred writings, it records King Solomon’s great experiment to find meaning in life.
He tried riches, sexual gratification, great projects, education, and other routes to see what activities bring meaning and purpose in this life and what is meaningless—what Solomon calls “a chasing after the wind.”
It’s not a long reading assignment and can lead to some great discussions.
Tweetable: King Solomon’s great experiment to find meaning in life can lead to some great discussions with teens. Click to Tweet
Apr 6, 2015 | Security
Many people have chapters of their life that they may be hesitant to tell their children about. Ask yourself 5 questions as you weigh the pros and cons.
Is my child very likely to hear about my past from another source?
When I was in middle school, my friend learned of her father’s affairs and pending divorce by overhearing adults talking at a family gathering. If family members, friends or neighbors know about your past, there is a good chance your child will eventually hear about it too. Is it important that they hear it from you?
Is there an uncomfortable secrecy in your family?
Not sharing such experiences can lead to an uncomfortable secrecy in some families. Obviously, what you share, how many details you give, and when you disclose them will be age and situation appropriate. Will your children feel empowered within your family from knowing what the others know? Will the initial upset they feel upon hearing it be less than the damaging effects of hiding secrets?
Am I clear about my motives for doing this?
- Children respect parents who are honest with them, but you have the right to your privacy. If you don’t want to reopen old wounds, don’t feel obligated to do so. Will you be sharing from a place of free choice, self-imposed pressure, or outward compulsion?
- David Sheff, comments on a parent’s common motivation for sharing about a past drug addiction:
Parents’ hands are tied. If you lie, you put your entire relationship on the line, risk being caught in a lie and ruin any trust you’ve built over the many years of parenting.
But if you come clean, you run the risk of showing your kid that it’s fine to try anything because, hey, you’re still here to talk about it.
Either way, “It’s not going to determine whether your kid uses or not,” says Sheff. “The reason kids are going to use or not use has almost nothing to do with what their parents say.”
Sheff continues, “It has to do with the relationship you have with your kids, and how open are they going to be with you,” he notes, “and how involved in their lives you are to perceive the struggles they’re having below the surface.”
Have I made peace with myself [and my God] about my actions?
“There are shameful things that parents feel, and they have to come to terms with that first,” says Eileen Bond, supervising faculty at the University of Michigan Center for Child and Family and a clinical social worker.“Shame should not contaminate their response. And that requires reflection.”
When making peace with past experiences, many people turn to a counselor, clergy person, chaplain, support group, or spiritual director. What are your resources for reflecting and processing toward a place of greater peace before discussing it with your children?
Is my child judging and criticizing others?
An anonymous mother says: My 12-year-old daughter had been flipping through television channels when she stopped on a talk show about women who’d had abortions. “Those women must be awful,” my daughter said scornfully. “How could anyone kill a baby like that?”
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to tell my daughter about my own past. I offered a silent prayer, then burst into my story.
“Those women aren’t necessarily awful,” I began. “Sometimes they’re simply trapped. I had an abortion when I was a teenager. I was young and scared, and I thought abortion was my only option. Eventually I met and married your awesome dad, and we were blessed to have you.”
My daughter was crushed. “She cried like a baby about my past. I felt terrible, but I knew I was right to tell her and I believe she won’t go on being judgmental toward women who’ve had abortions.”
Older children are insightful enough to know you have things you aren’t proud of. How will your honesty make you more believable and approachable? What will be the reward for self-disclosure?
Tweetable: Five questions help parents weigh pros and cons of whether to share your old life with your children. Click to Tweet
Feb 23, 2015 | Security
The horizontal relationship
When a child hits another child (with fists or words), it’s easy to tell them, “That’s wrong because it hurts someone else. You wouldn’t want them to do that to you.” There are also easy-to-point-to practical consequences of such behavior: “If you hurt other kids, they won’t want to play with you anymore.”
That’s how we address making relationships with one another right when there’s been wrongdoing. Those are the horizontal relationships.
But what about the vertical relationship?
The relationship between a child and the God they believe in? There is often another level of damage to repair that we don’t think to address. Wrongs can create a guilty conscience and distance between a child and their God. How can we help them right that relationship?
The covert dimension of wrongdoing
Sometimes the wrong doesn’t seem to directly affect another person, but the child’s conscience still bothers them. Even if no one else knows about the wrongdoing and no one else appears to be hurt by it, the knowledge of that wrongdoing can be festering inside the child. That’s what I’m calling the vertical relationship– the spiritual dimension of wrongdoing.
That’s an issue between a person and their God: guilt. Healthy guilt occurs when we do something wrong. When we ignore guilt, we deaden and numb it, which results in the deterioration of our conscience, our God-given sense of right and wrong.
Children ask, “What do I do after I mess up?”
Different traditions have different approaches for dealing with guilt. Consider whether this response will fit your child:
- Ask for forgiveness and be willing to make up with the person you hurt, or return the items you stole, or admit you lied and tell the truth.
- Accept the consequence that comes from your teacher or parent.
- Then go out and do something good.
What other ways do you know of for helping children deal with guilt in a healthy way?
Tweetable:
When we ignore guilt, we deaden and numb it, resulting in the deterioration of our conscience. Click to Tweet
Feb 9, 2015 | Security
Sifu Ed Monaghan, martial artist and UCLA Professor, had been talking about the value of meditation to his class of 13-16 year olds at Ekata Training Center.
I asked the kids, “Have you ever seen anyone on a boat when it’s windy?” All had seen boats rocking on the water. I asked, “Can you see things on the surface of the ocean – like boats, oil rigs, birds, etc.?” They replied in the affirmative.
Then I asked if they ever saw “Shark Week” on TV? Most of them had. I said, “Is there a lot of life and action under water that we can’t see from the surface?” Again they agreed.
I said, “The ocean is like our minds. The waves are like our thoughts jostling us around. We see and are very concerned with the stuff that we can see on the surface, but there is so much more underneath. When we meditate, we learn to calm the waves and look below the surface. Our mind is like a drop of water, and the ocean is like universal consciousness. Our mind is a part of that consciousness just like the drop of water is a part of the ocean. They are inseparable. But we need meditation to help us see beyond the surface.”
Eastern tradition unites with Western tradition in understanding that there is inner life below the surface of what we see with our physical eyes.
Children seek a firm footing in this inner life and they enter into it differently.
- One 6-year-old girl says, “Mindfulness has been my favorite thing in my whole life…when I’m mad, sad or frustrated.”
- A man told me that he remembers weeding in his front yard and talking to Jesus: “I’ve heard about you–that you’re good–and I want you to be part of my life.”
- Thinking back on her childhood, a woman states, “I always had a clear sense that God is there. Sometimes he seemed distant or like he doesn’t like me, but I’ve always felt that he was there watching.”
When we notice signs of their interest, and enter their world with them, most children are grateful for our attention to their inner life.
Tweetable: An idea for how to discuss the personal yet universal colors and shadings of a child’s inner life? Click to Tweet
Sep 2, 2014 | Security
“When you search for beauty, it is always found. When you search for meanness, it is always found. The choice is yours.” (Dr. Becky Bailey)
And choices repeated–I would add–become habits.
This school year, look for the best in teachers and administrators.
Granted, I was a teacher, so I am a bit biased. But it helps children immensely when the important adults in their life are aligned with each other. It is easy to see the best in teachers when they are wonderful, doing above or beyond. It is much harder to hold this perception when things are difficult.
We know it is impossible to assess the intentions of teachers accurately.
Yet we often focus our attention on what is wrong or lacking in the classroom. Our brains have been trained to attribute negative intentions to others and ourselves.
Reframe your thinking about the school situation.
Try shifting your beliefs about the teacher’s motives from negative to positive. Regardless of whether what the teacher is doing is working well or not, try to assume they are well-intentioned.
These statements, made by teachers I know personally, represent the majority attitude among school personnel.
A Special Education teacher says: Personally my “job within the job” is to make sure my students know how valuable they are. People are always being evaluated and judged. Kids know that people value those who are the best. Studies show that the better readers are also more popular.
I want my Special Ed students to know that the value of a human being is much more than what you can do. I tell them, “You are beautiful and valued and loved and you matter to me.”
A kindergarten teacher shows us her motives: “As a teacher, I am given a tremendous responsibility to mold the minds of my students through the curriculum. When I spend time affirming and nourishing the children’s spirit in class, I see confident children!”
When you learn to attribute positive motives to teachers, you possess a powerful skill.
A skill that transforms opposition into cooperation.
- You join with the teacher as an ally in your child’s education.
- You foster a sense of security in your child when you see the best in his teacher. Children who feel secure are more likely to share feelings with you about their problems.
- You model for your child that people can think and act differently than you, and you accept them for who they are.
Note: I am indebted to Dr. Becky Bailey’s Conscious Discipline for her quote and her principle of Positive Intent adapted for this post.
Tweetable:
- When you search for beauty, it is always found. When you search for meanness, it is always found. The choice is yours. (Becky Bailey) Click to Tweet
- How do you foster a sense of security in your child when you see the best in his teacher? Click to Tweet
