Dec 14, 2015 | trust
The question pops up in some families with young children. Here’s a summary of my favorite approach to answering many questions asked by children:
- Some people think X
- Some people think Y
- Some people think Z
- [optional] I think Z because___
- What do you think?
Here is how this approach plays out with Santa Claus.
There are many opinions on this subject. Below are quotes from children about whether Santa is real, courtesy of Answers.com, and in general they can be broken down into three categories.
The first group of children says that Santa Claus is real
He wears a red suit, and he lives at the North Pole, making presents for kids and delivering them all over the world on Christmas Eve in his sleigh.
Yes, Santa Claus WAS a real man. He lived in Turkey.
Santa is real and everyone knows it! He is so real because he has brought me presents every year and he will do the same every year. I love him too!
The second group of children says that Santa Claus doesn’t exist
….and those things are impossible.
Totally not, it is just a silly rumor to get children to do what they are told.
No, sorry. He was derived from a person named to be St. Nicholas. He gave toys to children, and wore red bishop’s clothing. He also is believed to have dropped things down chimneys at night, to avoid being seen. But this was a long time ago and he died.
No there is no Santa Claus as we know him, but there are nice people out there who are like mini-Santas. So yes your mom or dad were buying the presents, and there’s no point writing letters. I actually cried when my mom first told me.
The third group admits that he doesn’t have a tangible presence but is nonetheless real
… in the hearts and minds of parents and children and in the spirit of Christmas. We as a society make him real.
Well, Santa Clause is sort of real and sort of not because St Nicholas is Santa Claus and he lived a long time ago and gave to the poor and the wealthy making gifts out of wood.
Santa Claus is real to some people but not to others. He is real to all those who believe. Keep believing!
Tweetable: Here’s an idea of what to say when children ask if Santa is real. Click to Tweet
Nov 16, 2015 | trust
A milestone occurs when children enter school and their relationship pool increases and deepens. They look for ways to connect with others and with God in new ways.
In grade school, you are still the one they most want to hear from about spirituality and the one they most watch to learn what it looks like to live with spirituality as part of daily life.
But now they act in a way that reveals their need to widen the circle to include their friends’ families and a faith community.
For some parents this seems like the right time to affiliate with a religion or faith community.
Community involvement has to do with how a child practices their spirituality, as expressed through various beliefs, practices and rituals. It is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
A faith community links up with a child’s needs for attachment and for trust.
It moves them forward to explore the other relational issue of importance to them: how a connection forms between God and a person. One woman remembers when she began to look for this connection:
Just because I was raised in a home in which God was never talked about, doesn’t mean that I never thought about God.
It is true that this influenced me to think that God was not a relevant part of how I go about living my life. And true that being raised in a home where relationship was deeply stunted influenced me to feel that God is distant, even non-existent.
However, these ideas about God being not relevant, non-existent or distant did not form a foundational belief in my core, even though my upbringing should have prescribed it.
There was nothing in my childhood experience to form in me a belief that God is relevant, real or near, but deep down inside these are precisely the attitudes that were rooted in my core, and even helped me to dig out of the relational laziness or isolation that I could have resigned myself to.
A faith Community is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
Tweetable: When is a good time to get my family involved in a faith community? Look here for a few thoughts about it. Click to Tweet
Sep 21, 2015 | trust
Since 1991 I have sat with children in support groups as they process circumstances that upset them. Sometimes an older child will ask me why God didn’t stop it or why God lets tragedies happen. Here are two principles I use to guide these conversations.
Principle #1: Find out why they are asking.
From Dr. Becky Bailey I learn to discover first whether the child wants information or understanding. I can find a clue by listening to their tone of voice–the force behind their question. I watch their facial expression and reflect back what I see. I will ask what situation they are thinking of.
Are they asking because evil and suffering have touched them personally and often? Have they been treated cruelly by others? They are more likely asking for emotional support and a way out of the hurtful experience right now in their own life circumstances.
Are they asking because they have they seen and heard about evil and suffering around them: violence, poverty, abuse, natural disasters and more? When looking at it globally, their interest may tend toward information about what God’s character is really like. Is this the kind of being that God is?
Principle #2: Then….Respond.
Some responses are obvious. For example, an incident may need to be reported. Or a child may need empathy or a chance to express their feelings.
If they are asking for information about the nature of God’s involvement in pain and suffering, you could say that nobody really knows for sure. But what are some things you found to be true as you have wrestled with this question for yourself? Use those as talking points–seeds of discussion that give children space to work it out in their own words. Here are mine:
- God wants a good life for humanity.God intends to bless us and not to hurt us.
- God created the possibility that people could choose to make a different choice than what he intends.
- People, not God, hurt people. God could make people stop–if he wanted to control people’s lives–but he gives us freedom and the right to do good or bad, feel hate or love.
- God allows nature to take its course and that includes extreme weather and all kinds of disease.
Suffering people often say that they see God’s involvement after a tragedy though the hands, feet and voice of the people who bring relief and order into the situation.- In our relationship with God we work alongside him when we involve ourselves in the response to pain and suffering in the world.
Tweetable: When children ask why bad things happen, the child-sized ideas here may shed light on a very tough issue. Click to Tweet
Jun 15, 2015 | trust
“Nothing affects the environment of a child so much as the unlived life of a parent”. –Carl Jung
I saw that quote in Laurie Beth Jones’ book, The Path. Ms Jones gave permission to use her ideas in this post.
Where or how do you see your “unlived life” played out in your relationship with your child?
Use this exercise to help you take time to gather your thoughts– maybe write them down.
1. 
Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents’ (and other key relatives) unlived lives? Their dreams? Some people may not know. Perhaps their parents never spoke about having dreams. For example, did your parents think that people don’t deserve dreams? Or that such things are not meant to be shared? Or that you never cared enough to ask? Or that your parents didn’t trust you enough to share their deepest thoughts with you?
- How has this affected your life?
Your own dreams
3. What are your dreams for your life? What is your unlived life? If you do not know, why do you think that is so?
Your child’s future
4. How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children?
- Now go and ask your children, “What are your dreams for yourself? What do you love to do?”
Action steps
- Pay close attention to whatever information you gather about the child’s desires or talents. What action steps do you want to take in order to increase your support for the child’s unique potential?
Next week: The gift of boredom
Tweetable: How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children? Click to Tweet
May 4, 2015 | trust
Children who go to religious education classes, Sunday School or parochial school benefit from opportunities to experience God beyond learning facts about God.
Earlier this week, I took my four-year-old granddaughter to the library and to the park for a Bug Hunt. As I steered the car into a parking spot, I asked “What is God doing today?”
Long pause. “I don’t know,” she said.
I continued, “Maybe he would like to come with us to the park to hunt for bugs. Should we invite him?”
Longer pause, then: “Yes, God can come with us while we look for bugs, and other Gods can be with other people so everybody has God with them today.”
Soon we walked past a bush and she said, “Look! There’s threads on this bush,” and we traced the path of the threads from a leaf all the way to the sidewalk. I offered, “Maybe we can find a book in the library to tell us more about the threads.”
The librarian found a picture book for us about spider webs and another book about our best sighting of the day–ladybugs–which we read together in the beanbag chairs provided by the library.
Finally it was time to go home. As we talked about our adventure, I said, “I had so much fun with you today. Do you think God had fun with us?” Her silence was more profound this time.
This silence was that same kind of hush I’ve seen whenever she processes a new experience.
Then she burst into song. I didn’t catch all the words but something about joy and God. I never said anything about her song because I understood that it wasn’t really intended for my ears anyway.
Tweetable:
Ask children, “What is God doing today?” and see how they experience God beyond the facts they’ve learned. Click to Tweet
Apr 20, 2015 | trust
“I want the gummi bears!!!” cried the child from the car seat, melting down on our way to get lunch because I said he can have the candy after we eat.
As children get older, their disappointments grow larger. In my work of facilitating support groups for children, I find that hurt and angry feelings get directed at God too, and it is often due to:
- Prayers not answered.
- Hurt by religious people.
- Overwhelmed by evil and suffering in the world.
Many children (age 11 and under) say that unanswered prayers disappoint them the most.
They see the needs within their extended family. They hear the adult conversations. They care so much. Some of them spend a lot of time praying for what is best for everyone involved. When the situation doesn’t change according to their wishes, they may conclude that God hardly listens and feel personal rejection by God.
This topic is obviously a vast and complex one. My only goal here is to try to find a few ways we can help children when they feel disappointed with God. We can help them when we:
- Offer empathy by listening without trying to change them or their feelings.
- Accept all the child’s feelings and thoughts about God.
- Express care and support.
- Be mindful of our own feelings about God and not try to project them onto the child.
Sort out the expectations or conditions the child places on God.
Moving from the emotions of their upset, we can also help children in sorting through and discovering their expectations of God. Every relationship involves expectations. It’s true at the child’s school, in the family unit, in the neighborhood, on a sports team. Someone has said that 80 % of our expectations are assumed– never really expressed.
1. Express exactly what you expect of God.
Start by asking, “What do you expect God to do when you for pray for something?” Allow the child to respond by writing it or by speaking it or by returning to it later after they think about it.
Now here’s the part we almost always overlook: Help the child find a way to express expectations directly to God (and how they feel about it). It can be in the form of a “Dear God” letter or a talk-out-loud where no one can hear, or some other approach they decide on.
2. Consider changing expectations to be more realistic.
- How realistic are the child’s expectations of God?
- How reliable are their sources of getting information about God?
- In what ways do they expect God to respond?
- What are God’s limitations? (For example, some would say that one of God’s self-imposed limits is refusal to force people to do anything against their will.)
- Observe others and search out some different expectations for God.
3. Decide what to do.
- Exit: Some children choose to terminate the relationship with God, but that is rare before adolescence. (And from many sources we glean that God never stops trying to connect with them.)
- Stay and withdraw: These children continue to believe in God but withdraw from trying to have any kind of relationship with God at this time. If the family is religious, they may pretend to go along with it.
- Stay and revise: By changing expectations of God, the child is more conscious of the possibility that God’s perspective is different, and that God’s gift of presence is only beginning to be discovered.
Dr. Bill McRae’s organizing principles for expectations were adapted here for use with children.
Tweetable: Here are a few ways to help children when they feel disappointed with God, like God doesn’t hear or care. Click to Tweet
