May 9, 2016 | Attachment
It’s hard to find child-sized words kids can use to express spiritual or transcendent experiences. “Kids need to know the words,” says middle school teacher Sheila Edwards. “When you’re giving to others, that’s sacrifice. Labeling it makes it powerful. Kids can say, ‘I did this—it shows I’m committed,’ or ‘This shows I have integrity.’”
A teacher told one student: “Jake’s mother told me that every kid in the class made fun of him when his nose was runny—everyone but you. Your compassion made a difference to Jake. He came home and told his mom about it.”
Our reward for giving children words
The reward for giving children language to go with their spiritual life is that we build a bridge connecting ourselves with the child in the deepest part of their being (and ours). If nurtured, it will remain so for the rest of our lives. And the child can form bonds like this with other trustworthy people because they have language to communicate at this level..
I know, because my mother did this with me.
For instance, in a supermarket line she said, “That clerk has an amazing amount of self-control. Look how patient and calm she is with the angry customer.” Or when I, as an 11-year-old, came sobbing to her about how I was afraid she would die, after comforting me emotionally, she said, “Honey, I am indestructible until my work on earth is finished and when it is, God will provide everything you need to live a good life.”
Start with photos
A young family can benefit from a Photo Album of family members’ generous, thoughtful actions. Young children remember IMAGES, not words. Print and hang actual photos near your dining table or attach them to the refrigerator. Change them periodically to show new expressions of the family’s spiritual values.
Move on to educate them with vocabulary words that match the behaviors.
Notice and affirm loving behavior. “Sage had trouble opening her straw. You did it and poked it into her juice box. That was helpful.”
I listen for, and excitedly affirm children when they use spiritual vocabulary, such as:
justice — mercy — God — peace — helpful –moral — faith — purpose — meaning — ethical — good — right — wrong — reason — conscience — spirit — soul — mind –worship — prayer — forgive — integrity — truth — inner life — loving
Each of these words becomes part of a child’s vocabulary. Once children identify language to go with their spiritual life, they can use those words in daily settings.Their everyday acts and interactions reflect a spiritual quality.
Spiritual qualities my mother’s words passed to me:
To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That’s what faith must be. (Michael Card)
Tweetable:
- It’s hard to find child-sized words kids can use to express spiritual or transcendent experiences. Click to Tweet
- Educate children with vocabulary words that reflect their ethical behavior. Read more here. Click to Tweet
Feb 22, 2016 | Direction
I watch my grandchildren regularly while their parents are working. One day I drove them and their friends on a day trip to a nearby town. It was supposed to be a fun trip, but the car was full and noisy.
One of my grandchildren in particular was acting up and arguing about some small point. After several back-and-forth exchanges, I lost my temper and yelled at the child. Suddenly, the whole car was silent.
Sound familiar? This grandfather realized he messed up. It is an almost universal aspiration for children and adults–even grandfathers–to recognize that we have certain weaknesses, flaws or character defects we want to change.
And what did this grandfather do?
I pulled over to the side of the road and turned around to apologize. I explained how sometimes I lose my temper and shouldn’t have responded like that. I talked about a few ways I’m trying to work on changing this.
Later I heard that this incident made a big impression on one of the grandchild’s friends. He’d never heard an adult apologize to a child before, especially without blaming the child for the anger.
6 SPECIFIC IDEAS TO FACE DOWN FLAWS:
1. Admit my weaknesses.
I am able to admit my mistakes and weaknesses in the child’s presence. I speak of my willing attitude to open myself up to God for help in overcoming.
2. Put my strengths to work.
Since I know my own talents, strengths and skills, I am able to speak freely to the child about using my strengths, together with God’s, to accomplish much.
3. Think, reflect, analyze.
I encourage time for my own reflection on great teachings and spiritual experiences, and I talk to the child about the degree to which I’ve allowed them to transform my inner life.
4. Illustrate life lessons through storytelling.
I use my memories and stories to explain life lessons to the child, yet recognizing that their experiences will be different.
5. Evaluate and change my flaws.
I set aside regular times of reflection upon my activities and use of my personal assets (money, time, energy), considering their effectiveness. I speak to the child about what I need to change and how I plan to go about it.
6. Notice positive changes and say so.
I comment on positive changes I notice in the child by describing, not judging, his or her journey of growth.
The ideas above are built on the foundational assumption that you yourself are also engaged in a journey of personal transformation.
In which of the points above do you engage regularly? Which do you need to be more intentional about? What responses have you seen in children when you practiced these behaviors?
TWEETABLE: As children develop a conscience; many want the help offered here to change bad behavior. Click to Tweet
Nov 2, 2015 | Nourishment
Physicist Charles Townes’ (pictured here) laser invention changed science and society, also bringing him the 1964 Nobel Prize. His reflections about his own life brought about my suggested resources (below) for gifted children who seek answers to the big questions.
Resource #1: Brainy people who will explore the child’s philosophical questions
Within your network of friends, find retired persons, intellectuals, and brilliant thinkers who are challenged by the big questions: what is the aim, purpose and meaning of this universe? Of our lives? See whether the child connects with any of these people and feels free to discuss deeper philosophical topics that are of interest to them.
Resource #2: Wisdom literature
Gifted children try to explore anything, think about everything, and ask lots of questions. Wisdom literature provides a foundational structure for the child’s evolving values and beliefs. A spiritual leader from your faith tradition can recommend books and may be willing to discuss them with the child. As Townes said, “Science seeks to discern the laws and order of our universe, including human life; religion, to understand the universe’s purpose and meaning, and how humankind fits into both.”
Resource #3: Volunteer work
Gifted youngsters are usually taught that there’s some purpose they will try to accomplish in their lives. But that’s very localized–what they want to do with their life. Be a person in their world who broadens their perspective. Volunteer work can often teach the gifted and talented child how to contribute to the well-being of others. It also helps them practice nurture and develop empathy for others: animals, family, neighbors, the environment… depending on the type of volunteer work chosen.
Resource #4: Regular conversation
Intellectually gifted children often have a higher capacity for deep conversation. When talking with a gifted child, ask broader questions about humanity: “What are human beings about in general? What is this universe all about? Where do brand-new ideas come from? To what extent does God help us?” You’ll probably be amazed at the answers you get as you help children broaden their thinking.
After Townes’ death in January 2015 at age 99…
…Michael Werner, project scientist for NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope and Paul Goldsmith, chief technologist for astronomy, physics and space technology at the Jet Propulsion Lab offered:
Townes was a teacher above all else….He was never too busy to talk with us, and he provides a dramatic counter-example to the cliche of the inaccessible professor. Townes’ legacy includes the many students he mentored, and it will be perpetuated as we pass on what we learned from him to future generations.
Let us also guide along the children in our lives, helping them explore issues of faith and meaning.
Tweetable: Gifted children often take an early interest in the big questions; four ideas here. Click to Tweet
Mar 30, 2015 | Direction
All of us reached adolescence with childhood beliefs, values and morals that needed evaluation.
Beliefs enter a child’s mind and get established in the mental operating system* without a healthy evaluation of the basis for the belief. In a child’s brain, the ability to reason is not yet fully developed.
When children reach adolescence with little attention given to their childhood beliefs….
- We may hear something like this boy’s explanation: “Faith is believing what you know isn’t so.”
- They are less likely to come to parents, now preferring peers and those outside of the family.
Take Easter–the resurrection of Jesus Christ–for instance.
Christianity maintains that Jesus died on a cross and three days later, came back to life and was seen by multiple eyewitnesses.
I suspect that for many of the 2 billion people who identify as Christians, this doctrine remains a hard-to-understand mystery. Some older children may leave Sunday’s Easter Service concluding that the resurrection is incomprehensible and therefore nonsense.
Preteens beginning to evaluate their beliefs usually want our assistance:
- Begin by listening intently to the child’s belief. Clarify until you can precisely express the child’s belief back to him (and the child says “yes, that’s it”).
- Use the same active listening to unpack the child’s conflict, doubt, question about their belief–so that you can state it precisely and the child says, “yes, that’s it.”
- Brainstorm options for checking the accuracy of the belief–resurrection–in our example (weigh evidence from science, history):
- Talk to trustworthy people who see the issues from different perspectives.
- Search the Internet: evidence for resurrection
- Find a workshop, seminar, documentary, book
- Ask, “Which option is best for you?”
By allowing the child to own their choice you teach them how to approach doubts and questions when you aren’t around.
*to borrow a phrase from psychiatrist Timothy Jennings.
Mar 16, 2015 | Attachment
Children want and need adults to take the lead in developing their their conscience, character, morals, values. But many of us are uncomfortable talking about it. Some believe that we need never bring up spiritual matters at all, others feel that we must instill our own beliefs into children. What if the uncomfortable feelings about spiritual conversations are coming from the adults, not from the children? What if we work on the assumption that spiritual awareness already exists in the heart of every child?
How would that lower our personal discomfort? What small changes could we make to increase our confidence in dealing with our child’s spiritual curiosity?
1. Establish a family ritual or routine.
Some parents put it into the bedtime routine for consistency’s sake: bath time, reading a book, saying a prayer or answering a question. It becomes a normal part of everyday life, eliminating the awkwardness
Exif JPEG
A friend of mine asks four daily questions of her 12-year-old twin grandsons whom she is raising:
- Best thing that happened to you today
- Worst thing
- Thing you need God’s help with tomorrow
- Thing you are most grateful for today. “I like ending with the gratitude reminder,” she explains.
2. Use normal life experiences to weave values into everyday conversations.
Make an observation or ask a question when you see the opportunity. This tells children that it’s okay for them to ask questions or talk about qualities of spirit. One adoptive mother compares talking about spirituality to talking about adoption:
In all of the adoption literature, parents are told again and again to initiate talking about adoption with their children. When the parents never mention it, they are communicating to their child a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy: Let’s act like adoption isn’t part of the equation to help the child feel more “normal.”
Yet the reality is that the child needs to engage with and process that part of their history. Counter-intuitively, talking about it is what actually normalizes it. Many adoptive children who are now adults say that they were afraid to ask their adoptive parents questions for fear of hurting their feelings or upsetting them. They assumed that silence on the subject of their adoption was caused by the parents’ discomfort with the subject.
In the same way, we normalize spiritual awareness by noticing it in everyday life. Nine times out of ten, children let it pass without comment. But once in a while they use the opportunity to ask a question or launch a discussion.
Tweetable:
- Changes in your lifestyle that show respect for your child’s spiritual curiosity. Click to Tweet
- Two ideas that can lower our discomfort with our child’s spiritual development. Click to Tweet
