Mar 21, 2016 | Security
“There were maybe 5 kids sitting in a car across the street,” author Kara Powell says, recalling how she tripped and fell as a teenager. “I remember them laughing at me as I picked myself up. But that was in front of five kids, and it was over in five minutes. Today, if someone caught a moment like that on a smartphone and shared it on social media, that shame could live with the kid for the rest of high school.”
The merging of public and private
In recent years, awareness of shame has intensified in our society and our children are not immune. Psychologist Brene Brown describes an inner sense of unworthiness, often rooted in trauma and embarrassing experiences. Children may come to feel they are bad or good based upon what their community says about them.
The Hunger Games
Andy Crouch observes that some of the most powerful dynamics of today’s youth culture are preoccupied with shame and fame. In the Hunger Games trilogy, Katniss Everdeen and her fellow tributes make every move under the watchful eyes of her nation’s culture of spectacle. “The power of the trilogy is that it centers on a young woman trying to maintain goodness and honor in a world that seems to offer only fame and shame,” observes Mr. Crouch.
Resilience to shame
He continues, “The remedy for shame is not becoming famous. It is not even being affirmed. It is being incorporated into a community with new, different and better standards for honor. It’s a community where [for example] weakness is not excluded but valued; where honor-seeking and boasting are repudiated, where connection is important.” This kind of community can give children shame resilience.
Children who believe in God experience shame resilience when they internalize the good news of God’s provisions for covering shame and guilt.
Furthermore, children acquire shame resilience as we encourage them toward self-care, which may mean pulling away from unhealthy people and self-defeating situations. The ability to differentiate and yet maintain the connection can be profoundly redemptive.”
How do you generate shame resilience for the important children in your life?
(Note: Mr. Crouch’s complete article here.)
Tweetable:
- Awareness of shame has intensified in society but we can help our children build immunity. Click to Tweet
- How do you generate shame resilience for the important children in your life? Click to Tweet
Mar 14, 2016 | Nourishment
Passing along spirituality to others can be fraught with many pitfalls and misconceptions. We must never try to force or convince, yet must still be open to those who are curious and seeking– especially when the seekers are the children in our lives.
Notice the approach this parent chooses with her preteen.
Recognizing spiritual development is an ongoing process, here’s a story about how one mom handled a difficult question from her 12-year-old. Your answer, and any alternative viewpoints you cite, might have been different, as you’d be speaking from your own beliefs.
“So Mom, do you think there’s a hell?”
The question came out of nowhere, as far as I could tell. We had a movie on and it was paused for a bathroom break. This is when my son decides to ask me about hell.
Although we periodically attend a Protestant Christian Church, I don’t have very formed ideas about hell. It is just not a subject that comes up much. So I first decided to see where the question was coming from: “Why do you ask?” “Well, Max from church said that people who are bad go to hell.”
Okay, I thought to myself, so the question is theoretical and not related to anyone specific dying. Now how do I answer when I’m not sure myself? Here’s what I came up with:
“Honestly, I am not really sure.
“I can tell you what I think, but I may be wrong. I do think heaven and hell exist, but I think that God would not force anyone to be with him in heaven who didn’t want to be with him. If someone didn’t want to be with God, they could choose not to be. Hell—I think—is the absence of God rather than fiery flames. Now some people think hell is literal fiery flames, and some people think it doesn’t exist at all.
“What do you think?”
My son then went on to think out loud about the idea of hell being so horrible, but also about the need to punish bad people, like Hitler. He seemed conflicted, and I could see that this conversation—like many other spiritual topics—would need to be an ongoing one as he thought through what he believed. I committed then to try to serve as a safe sounding board for him as he would think things through over the years. Then maybe in the future he would serve as a safe sounding board for others.
Tweetable: One mom does a good job handling her 12-year-old son’s question about hell. Here’s what she said. Click to Tweet
Mar 7, 2016 | Nurture
School children often learn about historical figures who change their country through their fight against injustice. Mathatma Gandhi, William Wilberforce, Martin Luther King, Susan B. Anthony, Nellie Bly, Tommy Douglas.
Many figures throughout history who have fought against injustice acted out of a deep sense of spiritual direction. They were compelled, so to speak.
Some of those who are children now will grow up to be agents of transformation.
They may not all get written up in the history books of tomorrow, but they can all make a difference in the world around them– in ways both big and small. How can we help them discover the ways God may be calling them to make a difference in their world?
In your context, what opportunities do you see?
- When the child is upset by a particular injustice, I discuss risks and rewards of involvement in the cause.
- I encourage the child to read biographies of historical figures they admire for standing against injustice.
- The child could take part in some local push for change.
- I can model responsible social involvement, such as volunteering, recycling, voting, and being aware of current events.
- When I see the child make a positive difference in their environment– even in a small way– I highlight it and praise them for it.
For one grandmother, it looked like this:
I live in an older neighborhood that has become increasingly run down and dangerous over the years. We used to have a large store nearby, but it got torn down and became an empty lot that was seeing more and more gang activity.
Some of us who have lived here for years planned a meeting to talk about what could be done, and my 16-year-old grandson happened to be visiting when the time for the meeting came around. He tagged along with me, bringing his iPhone so he’d have something to do.
But I noticed during the course of the meeting that he was texting less and listening more.
Based on what he heard, he decided to get involved in bringing change to the neighborhood. He helped clean up the empty lot. He contacted the city councilman for our district to ask for funds to make the area into a small park. He even volunteered with an organization that moved into the area to provide a safe place for kids to hang out after school.
He jokes and tells me that he’s just doing it because it will look good on college applications, but I know better. He knows now that his actions can make a difference– he’s caught the bug for community activism.
Tweetable:
- What adults can do now to guide those children who will grow up to be agents of transformation. Click to Tweet
- How can we help children discover how God may be calling them to make a difference in their world? Click to Tweet
Feb 29, 2016 | Direction
Spirituality is passed on from generation to generation. How can you help the important children in your life learn to offer strength of spirit to others?
Look at the peer counselor-mentor programs in schools.
In all the programs I studied, teachers select children to be mentors-helpers who display traits and qualities arising from the human spirit, like honesty, caring, tolerant of differences and interested in guiding others. They may help students make a smooth transition into a new school or increase acceptance of students with diverse needs.
A child’s experience of God is just as legitimate as that of an adult.
But passing along spirituality to others can be fraught with many pitfalls and misconceptions. So we show children how to do this appropriately through modeling, dialogue and encouragement.
Here are a few specific strategies for passing along spiritual vision to others.
Adapt them to fit your context and faith tradition.
- Because I take classes, read, and am active in a faith community, I demonstrate to the child that the spiritual journey is lifelong.
- I talk about and model my own life purpose with the child. The child has heard me describe very simply the essentials of my faith and what I believe God is like.
- When the child asks me questions about God, heaven, etc, I tell him or her what I believe to be true, add one differing viewpoint, then ask what the child thinks.
- I teach the child about the major world religions and their founders.
- I know the spiritual legacy I want to leave in the lives of my family and friends, and I am working toward that goal.
We must never try to force or convince, yet we must still be open to children and adults who are curious and seeking. After all, consider how grateful we are to those who shared their spirituality with us in positive ways. We needed their help and guidance and they were there for us. We can be there for the children in our lives as well, and we model for them how they can in turn pass that benefit on to others.
Tweetable: Passing along spirituality to children can be fraught with many misconceptions. A new perspective here. Click to Tweet
Feb 22, 2016 | Direction
I watch my grandchildren regularly while their parents are working. One day I drove them and their friends on a day trip to a nearby town. It was supposed to be a fun trip, but the car was full and noisy.
One of my grandchildren in particular was acting up and arguing about some small point. After several back-and-forth exchanges, I lost my temper and yelled at the child. Suddenly, the whole car was silent.
Sound familiar? This grandfather realized he messed up. It is an almost universal aspiration for children and adults–even grandfathers–to recognize that we have certain weaknesses, flaws or character defects we want to change.
And what did this grandfather do?
I pulled over to the side of the road and turned around to apologize. I explained how sometimes I lose my temper and shouldn’t have responded like that. I talked about a few ways I’m trying to work on changing this.
Later I heard that this incident made a big impression on one of the grandchild’s friends. He’d never heard an adult apologize to a child before, especially without blaming the child for the anger.
6 SPECIFIC IDEAS TO FACE DOWN FLAWS:
1. Admit my weaknesses.
I am able to admit my mistakes and weaknesses in the child’s presence. I speak of my willing attitude to open myself up to God for help in overcoming.
2. Put my strengths to work.
Since I know my own talents, strengths and skills, I am able to speak freely to the child about using my strengths, together with God’s, to accomplish much.
3. Think, reflect, analyze.
I encourage time for my own reflection on great teachings and spiritual experiences, and I talk to the child about the degree to which I’ve allowed them to transform my inner life.
4. Illustrate life lessons through storytelling.
I use my memories and stories to explain life lessons to the child, yet recognizing that their experiences will be different.
5. Evaluate and change my flaws.
I set aside regular times of reflection upon my activities and use of my personal assets (money, time, energy), considering their effectiveness. I speak to the child about what I need to change and how I plan to go about it.
6. Notice positive changes and say so.
I comment on positive changes I notice in the child by describing, not judging, his or her journey of growth.
The ideas above are built on the foundational assumption that you yourself are also engaged in a journey of personal transformation.
In which of the points above do you engage regularly? Which do you need to be more intentional about? What responses have you seen in children when you practiced these behaviors?
TWEETABLE: As children develop a conscience; many want the help offered here to change bad behavior. Click to Tweet
