Aug 1, 2016 | Nurture
Happiness is a funny thing–Is it even possible to be happy all the time? Where do we find the right people or things to make us happy more often? Are any of the children in your life growing up with the impression that life (or God) owes them happiness?
Children’s statements reflect their beliefs about happiness and become their self-talk.
- “If __ hadn’t happened, I’d be happy now.”
- “Other people’s lives are happier than mine.”
- If I just had __ I’d be happy.”
- If I don’t have __, I will never be happy.”
Raise awareness
They don’t realize that their focus has turned to the things they don’t have. While it’s obvious to us that loving relationships and basic needs being met will increase enjoyment of life, children may not yet understand that these don’t produce happiness. We can help them see that they set themselves up for disappointment when they depend on external sources for their happiness.
Change self-talk to get unstuck
- “Happiness is about who I am, not about what I have–or don’t have–in my life.”
- Other people’s lives have more unhappiness than I know about. We all have stress and troubles. That’s normal.”
The role of spirituality in a child’s happiness
There’s a place in each child’s being, typically referred to as the soul or heart or human spirit. When children become aware of God’s presence in that space, some find inner stability, which helps them hold onto hope…. like this girl in a domestic violence Safe Place (where I taught life skills).
Specifically, notice her self-talk and her spirituality.
Blue. I used to love the color blue. When I saw the color blue I loved it. But while we were on our journey homeless, I realized that the color blue wasn’t as blue as I thought, because I wasn’t in a feeling of happiness. Every time I looked at the sky it reminded me of the pain we were going through.
I few times when I lay in bed, I would think about–is there any hope that God could give us? I used to feel bad for myself but I told myself to pray more and ask God to give me the strength to get through the day. God heard my prayers. We were moving in a house where my mom could make us food. And where we all could communicate. All the stuff God gives me is like gold to me because he gives me things that are really amazing in my eyes.”
Tweetable: What children tell themselves about happiness may hinder our efforts to show them a good time. Here’s how. Click to Tweet
Thanks to Linda Sibley for her thoughts here about this.
Jul 25, 2016 | Nurture
If we are going to help children find the misbeliefs in their self-talk and get rid of them, we should understand how they got there in the first place. They are not arbitrary. They come from somewhere, commonly from….
- Hearing something repeatedly
- Not being told something they needed to hear
- Being left on their own emotionally when they were very young to handle a traumatic life event
Truth or Myth? How can they tell the difference?
Consider this standard of evaluation and tailor it to fit your values and beliefs.
MYTHS/MISBELIEFS. . .
|
TRUTH. . .
|
- are judgmental
- are critical
- are accusatory
- tear down
- destroy
- produce fear
- take away hope
|
- is forgiving
- gives value
- allows mistakes
- builds up
- strengthens
- gives peace
- gives hope
|
“The lies we tell other people are nothing compared to the lies we tell ourselves.”
― Derek Landy
Where can children look to find truth about themselves?
Kids find truth about themselves in the faces and words of loving, caring adults.
Be intentional about noticing the child’s most intense feelings: hurt, embarrassed, angry, ashamed or afraid. That’s when they are more likely to tell themselves a lie and believe it. As the adult, speak up with short, truthful statements during these experiences. For example:
- Parents fighting or arguing: “All parents fight sometimes,“ or “Parents can argue and still love each other.”
- Child admits she doesn’t want to like her new stepdad because it’s unfair to her dad and it would hurt his feelings if he knew: “It’s okay to let yourself love your stepdad. You can love your dad and like (or even love) your stepdad at the same time. You can never have too many people to love and who love you in your life!”
Kids find truth about themselves in sacred writings the family looks to.
As an example, for families who name the Bible as a source of truth, they find statements about themselves – I am God’s child; I cannot lose God’s love; I have a purposeful future; God doesn’t always answer my prayers the way I want, but I know God is still watching over me.
“You desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” Psalm 51:6
Conversation starters and games to increase a child’s positive inner speech
Ages 2-5
- Taking the photo: “You can do lots of things well. What are some of them?” Guide the child to think of something he or she does well. Then take their picture– running, jumping, riding a bike; or let them choose an object depicting what they do well, such as a ball, spatula or puzzle. Let the child decide who to send the picture to.
- Talent Show (at a family gathering or with neighbor kids): Each (preschool) child tells one of the things they do well (e.g. twirling, hugging, whistling, somersault). Give them time “on stage” to do it alone. Then ask him/her to lead the others in doing it too.
- Story book: Franklin Rides a Bike
Ages 6-11 – Game: Truth or Lie
(best with extended family or friends) Each person makes a true statement (e.g. favorite color, food, activity; where they go to school). Explain that we will go around again and have them share another statement, only this time they can say something that is true or not true. The others have a chance to guess which it is.
Tweetable: 4 games and activities with kids to strengthen positive self-talk. Go here. Click to Tweet
Jul 5, 2016 | Nurture
Most of us have experienced first-hand, in our lifetime, the disappearance of silence. Our distracting and distracted culture influences the children in our lives. As Glenn Hinson said,
“Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.”
We recognize how uninterrupted distraction diverts attention away from the most important matters in a child’s (and our) life:
- emotional upsets needing perspective
- decisions calling for wisdom
- important relationships deserving time and effort (including God)
How hard it is for me to catch on!
Silence allows me to maintain the connection between my inner life and my many activities. Whenever I get to spend time with the children in my family, or with family friends, I usually think first of what fun activities we can do together. Yet I’ve seen how a quiet car ride home gives the children time to process the events. I’m learning to pay attention to silence, and not to fill it with chatter.
What can we do about it?
Practical ideas for different ages:
Ages 1-5
Create a Quiet Place. Have a few inspirational books, a plush animal, a small blanket, a favorite toy, a bean bag chair or large pillow in an area of the home. Kids can use their creativity to add simple decorations. Let them know they can go there when the noise level in the house is uncomfortable or when they are sad or mad. (This is not time-out; the child is not sent there.)
Ages 5-10
In addition to a Quiet Place in the home, where they go without handhelds, plan intentional one-on-one time for nature walks, bike rides, lying in the yard looking at stars. Teach them some simple relaxation techniques.
Ages 11-17
I
f parents provided opportunities like a Quiet Place in the early years, teens may have internalized the rewards of silence and know how to provide it for themselves as a means of self-care. Encourage teens to take a “digital fast” away from the demands of their phones. Even a few hours can be a restful respite. Some may want to try a “silent retreat,” like this one described in HuffPost.
“God is the friend of silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” –Mother Teresa
Tweetable:
- A wise person said, “Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.” A few ways to provide children with silence. Click to Tweet
- Ideas about how silence can have a powerful role in a child’s active, noisy life. Go here. Click to Tweet
Apr 18, 2016 | Attachment
Readers of this blog know we focus on exploration of a child’s human spirit. Nature plays a crucial role in spiritual development and health. After all– to state the obvious– it’s our natural habitat. We are wired for it. Children need to spend time in nature– even city kids need the parks.
From nature, children…
- gain a certain perspective unattainable from any other source
- acquire neuroconnections key to brain function
Nature advances a web of life perspective
One of Alexander von Humboldt’s most important discoveries was that nature is a web of life. He found Earth to be one great living organism and a place where everything is connected. Humboldt wrote, “no single fact can be considered in isolation.”
He was the first to recognize the forest as an ecosystem. As such, he predicted devastating consequences of despoiling the face of the earth. However, though he was captivated by empirical data, he never lost his sense of wonder. He wrote that, “nature must be experienced through feeling.”
How do the children in your life “feel” nature’s web of life?
- Relationally – through a connection with their pet(s), tending vegetables in a garden, nurturing a potted plant
- Powerfully – awe and wonder of nature as far bigger than all of us, through astronomy, IMAX nature movies
- Creatively – inspiration for poetry, photography
- Experientially – sitting at the side of a lake listening to the water lap against the shore
Connections with nature build neuroconnections in the child’s brain.
From Dr. Becky Bailey’s work on Conscious Discipline, I learned more about how a child’s connections on the outside build neuroconnections on the inside. When relating to people, these outside connections come from eye contact, touch and presence.
When relating to nature, one woman describes an insight gained from sitting in a forest:
Your colleagues or supervisor at work won’t allow you to pursue your ideas. Then, you notice that a tree looks like it was initially growing in one direction, but something got in the way and now it’s growing—and thriving—in another. It’s as if the tree is saying, “Grow where you can! Send your energy to where you will be nurtured!”
A sense of peace envelops you as you lay down a fruitless struggle. Then a new creative space emerges as a more helpful question dawns on you: “Where can I grow?” (Kris Abrams)
Many great writers, thinkers, scientists, and poets have reflected extensively on nature:
Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. (Albert Einstein)
Nature holds the key to our aesthetic, intellectual, cognitive and even spiritual satisfaction. (E. O. Wilson)
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. (Henry David Thoreau)
Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher. (William Wordsworth)
Children learn all living things can be our teacher.
Happy Earth Day!
Tweetable:
- #EarthDay2016: Connections in nature build neuroconnections in a child’s brain. Click to Tweet
- #EarthDay2016: From nature, children gain a certain perspective unattainable from any other source. Click to Tweet
Nov 16, 2015 | trust
A milestone occurs when children enter school and their relationship pool increases and deepens. They look for ways to connect with others and with God in new ways.
In grade school, you are still the one they most want to hear from about spirituality and the one they most watch to learn what it looks like to live with spirituality as part of daily life.
But now they act in a way that reveals their need to widen the circle to include their friends’ families and a faith community.
For some parents this seems like the right time to affiliate with a religion or faith community.
Community involvement has to do with how a child practices their spirituality, as expressed through various beliefs, practices and rituals. It is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
A faith community links up with a child’s needs for attachment and for trust.
It moves them forward to explore the other relational issue of importance to them: how a connection forms between God and a person. One woman remembers when she began to look for this connection:
Just because I was raised in a home in which God was never talked about, doesn’t mean that I never thought about God.
It is true that this influenced me to think that God was not a relevant part of how I go about living my life. And true that being raised in a home where relationship was deeply stunted influenced me to feel that God is distant, even non-existent.
However, these ideas about God being not relevant, non-existent or distant did not form a foundational belief in my core, even though my upbringing should have prescribed it.
There was nothing in my childhood experience to form in me a belief that God is relevant, real or near, but deep down inside these are precisely the attitudes that were rooted in my core, and even helped me to dig out of the relational laziness or isolation that I could have resigned myself to.
A faith Community is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
Tweetable: When is a good time to get my family involved in a faith community? Look here for a few thoughts about it. Click to Tweet
