When adults try to help children relate to others authentically, we generally promote qualities like patience, forgiveness, honesty, love, etc. These come to us by way of our human spirit. Strong spiritual awareness can figure prominently into our ability to form healthy relationships.
We become the live action video.
To help children develop these qualities means we must model them ourselves.We become the live action video– the indelible image of how to form authentic relationships.
To what degree have you practiced behaviors like these with the important children in your life?
The child observes occasions when my actions and words respect persons different from me, allowing us to engage in dialogue about how to treat people with respect.
Since people offend me at times, and the child knows about it, I am open about my ups and downs on the road to forgiveness and reconciliation.
I model and encourage time for social gatherings, including spiritual or religious services.
The child sees me listen to someone’s spiritual journey without injecting my own opinion.
I encourage the child to find trusted adults besides me with whom they can talk about life and God.
You will adapt them to fit with your spiritual tradition.
Remember that in some cases you may need to adapt them to fit with your spiritual tradition, the qualities you value, and even your culture. For example, in #1 above, different people might reconcile “treat people with respect” with “standing up for oneself” in different ways. Here’s one mother’s experience:
My 7-year-old daughter Sophie came home one day very upset because her best friend Mariah said something insensitive about her height.
Sophie was very short for her age, and sensitive about it. Mariah, who was tall for her age, had no understanding that someone might be sensitive about her height.
I called Mariah’s mom and explained the situation. Both of us wanted to teach our daughters how to work through conflict productively.
We set up a meeting time for Sophie to share how she felt, for Mariah to hear, understand it, and apologize, and for Sophie to accept the apology and restore the relationship.
Both girls were afraid, as neither liked conflict, but they worked through the process as we coached them.
The result was a restored friendship, rather than the growing distance that occurs when hurt feelings go unaddressed.
Our family was later able to talk about that experience of recognizing when you have done something wrong, then asking for and receiving forgiveness, in the context of our Catholic tradition.
Tweetable: To what degree are you modeling authentic relationships for the important children in your life? Click to Tweet
Although children often say they see spirituality differently, many adults insist either that we need never bring up spiritual matters at all or that we must instill our own beliefs about God into children.
Assumption #1: Spiritual matters are of little importance to children.
The first option may be found among adults who assume that spiritual matters are of little importance to children. The upshot can be to discourage open-minded exploration and discovery where almost all children are curious. Or simply to eliminate yourself as an interested party when children reach out to talk with someone about life and death and meaning.
Assumption #2: Children are blank slates.
The second option is common among more religious adults. The assumption is that children are blank slates, having no natural engagement with God on their own, and therefore need to be taught.
Sometimes the results can be damaging: children feeling forced into rigid belief systems at a time when they more naturally lean toward possibilities and questions. That can lead children to run from the very mention of God.
There is a third way…. Assumption #3: Spirituality already exists in the heart of every child.
What if we listen to and nurture what God has already placed inside of them? What if we serve more as guides or even fellow journeyers than we do as teachers?
What if we work on the assumption that spirituality already exists inside the heart of every child and that God is already active there? Maybe that’s a cleaner window into their spirit.
And our role is not to tell them what to see out the window or to close the curtains on the window, but to facilitate and encourage them so they can see clearly for themselves.
Tweetable: If you’re a child, you want someone to pay closer attention to your human spirit and you deserve it. Click to Tweet
How do we do that in a way that informs, yet leaves the door open to explore and journey and be curious as they grow up? What words can we use to introduce God in such a way as to do the child no harm?
Here is a description of God that may prove useful, written in a child’s vocabulary.
This view is acknowledged in every area of the world from sub-Saharan Africa and tribes in the South Pacific to urban centers in Europe, farms in the Americas, and Middle Eastern deserts.
It is not the view of a particular religion, yet is found in the majority of world religions. It is mainstream.
Who is God?
God is a being. God does not have a body. God is invisible. People are beings too—human beings. God is a being who is greater than human beings. You can’t see God but you know He* is there. God has always been there.
God is love. All love comes from God.
God knows everything. He knows what will happen in the future. God knows what you are thinking. God knows all the facts about any subject you can imagine.
God is everywhere at once. He is not limited by time or space.
God does only what is right, good and just.
God has no beginning and he has no end.
God is pure. There is nothing evil about God.
God has unlimited power and authority.
God never changes. He is the same today as God has always been.
God is one-of-a-kind.
God makes himself known by displaying these qualities so that any child can recognize them. The human mind cannot understand God completely. God exceeds our brain’s capacity. But you can understand a lot about God.
*God is spirit, but I use the male pronoun because it is what I encounter most often when people talk about God.You may substitute the female pronoun if you wish.
Tweetables:
God exceeds our brain’s capacity but a child can understand a lot about God. See the basics here. Click to Tweet
Wondering what to say when a child asks about God? Here’s a description that does no harm. Click to Tweet
Since 1991 I have sat with children in support groups as they process circumstances that upset them. Sometimes an older child will ask me why God didn’t stop it or why God lets tragedies happen. Here are two principles I use to guide these conversations.
Principle #1: Find out why they are asking.
From Dr. Becky Bailey I learn to discover first whether the child wants information or understanding. I can find a clue by listening to their tone of voice–the force behind their question. I watch their facial expression and reflect back what I see. I will ask what situation they are thinking of.
Are they asking because evil and suffering have touched them personally and often? Have they been treated cruelly by others? They are more likely asking for emotional support and a way out of the hurtful experience right now in their own life circumstances.
Are they asking because they have they seen and heard about evil and suffering around them: violence, poverty, abuse, natural disasters and more? When looking at it globally, their interest may tend toward information about what God’s character is really like. Is this the kind of being that God is?
Principle #2: Then….Respond.
Some responses are obvious. For example, an incident may need to be reported. Or a child may need empathy or a chance to express their feelings.
If they are asking for information about the nature of God’s involvement in pain and suffering, you could say that nobody really knows for sure. But what are some things you found to be true as you have wrestled with this question for yourself? Use those as talking points–seeds of discussion that give children space to work it out in their own words. Here are mine:
God wants a good life for humanity.God intends to bless us and not to hurt us.
God created the possibility that people could choose to make a different choice than what he intends.
People, not God, hurt people. God could make people stop–if he wanted to control people’s lives–but he gives us freedom and the right to do good or bad, feel hate or love.
God allows nature to take its course and that includes extreme weather and all kinds of disease.
Suffering people often say that they see God’s involvement after a tragedy though the hands, feet and voice of the people who bring relief and order into the situation.
In our relationship with God we work alongside him when we involve ourselves in the response to pain and suffering in the world.
Tweetable: When children ask why bad things happen, the child-sized ideas here may shed light on a very tough issue. Click to Tweet
The English class assignment was to write a five-paragraph essay about a personal hero. Adrian’s* hero is his grandmother–a friend of mine–who shared the essay. Notice how Adrian’s every point flows from his grandmother’s human spirit… and not a single point flows from material possessions.
“My grandmother will always be my personal hero and she has a lot more super powers than you could imagine.”
Superpower #1 Acts of courage
A hero is not just somebody who saves lives or flies. It is someone who makes a difference with acts of courage, love and positive influence. My grandmother will always be my personal hero because she never gives up on me and always tries to be a positive role model.
Superpower #2 Directs me towards a great future
Last week she told me “what you do today will decide what you do tomorrow.” At first I did not understand what she meant, but she explained it to me in a way I could understand it better. She said if I don’t study this week I will not be ready for the test at the end of the week. That made a lot more sense and I told her I hadn’t thought about that before. She just smiled and I know she only wants me to give thought and peace of mind to everything in my life.
Superpower #3 Never gives up on me
For example, over the past few years I have probably said or done something hurtful to my grandmother that I didn’t mean, but she never quit on me. She only encouraged me to make better decisions.
Sometimes I wanted her to quit on me because I quit on myself and she never did. I can honestly say that without my grandmother I would not be where I am today. She has pushed me in many ways to become a more responsible and respectful person and I am lucky to have her in my life.
Superpower #4 Works on her flaws
When I told her I was going to write an essay about her she blushed and said, “I don’t think of myself as a hero.” This statement only made me want to write the essay more because a hero is humble.
However my Grandma is human and has flaws, but in those flaws is her personality and like a hero she works on those flaws to become stronger and wiser.
*not his real name
Tweetable: No mention of possessions, fame or fortune in this boy’s essay about his personal hero–his grandmother.Click to tweet
The result was a restored friendship, rather than the growing distance that occurs when hurt feelings go unaddressed.
Although children often say they see spirituality differently, many adults insist either that we need never bring up spiritual matters at all or that we must instill our own beliefs about God into children.
What if we listen to and nurture what God has already placed inside of them? What if we serve more as guides or even fellow journeyers than we do as teachers?
Are they asking because evil and suffering have touched them personally and often? Have they been treated cruelly by others? They are more likely asking for emotional support and a way out of the hurtful experience right now in their own life circumstances.
Are they asking because they have they seen and heard about evil and suffering around them: violence, poverty, abuse, natural disasters and more? When looking at it globally, their interest may tend toward information about what God’s character is really like. Is this the kind of being that God is?
If they are asking for information about the nature of God’s involvement in pain and suffering, you 
Suffering people often say that they see God’s involvement after a tragedy though the hands, feet and voice of the people who bring relief and order into the situation.
The English class assignment was to write a five-paragraph essay about a personal hero. Adrian’s* hero is his grandmother–a friend of mine–who shared the essay. Notice how Adrian’s every point flows from his grandmother’s human spirit… and not a single point flows from material possessions.