Children’s personal disappointment with God

As children get older, their disappointments grow larger. Hurt and angry feelings get directed at God too, often due to:

  • Prayers not answered.
  • Hurt by religious people.
  • Overwhelmed by evil and suffering in the world.

Many children say that unanswered prayers disappoint them the most.

personal disappointmentThey see the needs within their extended family. They hear the adult conversations. Some of them pray about it. When the situation doesn’t change according to their wishes, they may conclude that God hardly listens and feel personal rejection by God.

This topic is obviously a vast and complex one. My only goal here is to try to find a few ways we can help children when they feel disappointed with God. We can help them when we:

  • Offer empathy by listening without trying to change them or their feelings.
  • Accept all the child’s feelings and thoughts about God.
  • Express care and support.
  • Be mindful of our own feelings about God and not try to project them onto the child.
  • Sort out expectations or conditions the child places on God.

Every relationship involves expectations.

1. Ask the child, “What do you expect God to do when you pray for something?” Allow the child to respond by writing it or by speaking it or by returning to it later after they think about it. Now here’s the part we almost always overlook:  Help the child find a way to express expectations directly to God (and how they feel about it), using an approach they decide on.

2. Help change expectations to be more realistic.

  • In what ways do they expect God to respond?
  • What are God’s limitations? (For example, some would say that one of God’s self-imposed limits is refusal to force people to do anything against their will.)
  • Observe others and search out some different expectations for God.

3. Decide what to do.

  • Exit:  Some children choose to terminate the relationship with God, but that is rare before adolescence. (And from many sources we glean that God never stops trying to connect with them.)
  • Stay and withdraw:  These children continue to believe in God but withdraw from trying to have any kind of relationship with God at this time. If the family is religious, they may pretend to go along with it.
  • Stay and revise:  By changing expectations of God, the child is more conscious of the possibility that God’s perspective is different, and that God’s gift of presence is only beginning to be discovered.

Dr. Bill McRae’s organizing principles for expectations were adapted here for use with children.

 

7 missteps interfering with childhood spiritual development

mistakes of religionIf you are someone currently helping children develop their souls, seven warning signs can tell you if you’re tilting off course. Run through this list periodically and consider which areas might be interfering in the child’s spiritual development or sending negative messages.

  1. Spiritual sharing that is not age-appropriate or personality-appropriate (i.e. scaring or confusing children).
  2. Modeling behaviors that are different from we teach children to do (i.e. not practicing what we preach).
  3. Refusing to admit our own mistakes, hiding our faults, blaming others (i.e. lack of honesty and taking responsibility).
  4. Assuming that young children aren’t interested in learning about God (i.e. silence on the subject of God).
  5. Waiting to talk with children about God until they have done something wrong (i.e. creating feelings of guilt and judgment around God).
  6. Teaching by our actions that many other things in life are more important than God and spirituality (i.e. ignoring God and prioritizing other areas of life–sports, activities, hobbies, romantic relationships, social events)
  7. Forcing children to agree with whatever we think about God (i.e. forgetting that a child has the right to make up his or her own mind).

If you’re thinking that’s a lot to remember and be responsible for, you’re not alone. Helping children develop spiritually is not a one-person job. Fortunately, you can turn to resources outside the family like the connection with a faith community.

Faith communities: safe avenues for kids to volunteer

transformation through sharing Faith communities provide plenty of opportunities for adults and children to make social, medical, spiritual and educational contributions to society. I know two boys and their mom who filled bags of food during the pandemic and took the bags to their church’s food pantry to be safely distributed to needy people. Even children show what they are by what they do.

Conversation starter

Ask children: What big change has our family gone through (a death, moving into a new neighborhood, a crisis)? How did our friends share with us and support us? How did you respond? What did you learn from that? What can you pass along to others from what was done to us?

Meditation: Jesus said, “Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” John 13:35. Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure, and whether it is right. Proverbs 20:11

Main point: Children who give their time and talents to get involved in their community are often driven, in part, by their desire to bring more love into everyday life.

 

 

If spirituality is worth talking about, then talk!

talking spiritualA New York Times op-ed notes that “many people now avoid religious and spiritual language because they don’t like the way it has been used, misused and abused by others.” Maybe we can help to rekindle confidence in the vocabulary of faith so that the mis-users and abusers will not dominate the conversation.

The blog series, Kids & God @Home, offers a question that gives opportunity for an adult and child or teen to have a conversation of a spiritual nature. Not often. Just often enough to impress that our spirituality is worth talking about.

Conversation starter

Main point:  If you love God, you can use any way you want to let God know it. Some kids write a letter to God or draw something that expresses how they feel. Most tell God in words they say out loud or keep in their thoughts. This is called prayer.

Meditation: “The Lord is close to everyone who prays to him, to all who truly pray to him.” Psalm 145:18

Let’s talk: “Some people pray just to pray and some people pray to know God.” (A. Murray) What does that sentence mean? How would you explain it to somebody?

Things we don’t talk about we tend to forget.

talk about spiritualitySometimes our good intention to let children form their own spirituality can result in misunderstanding. When they don’t hear us talk about our own faith, they may think we aren’t interested in the topic. Consider taking your turn to answer the questions below.

Main idea: A lot of kids keep silent about their tough questions. If you talk with trusted family members, friends or spiritual leaders about your questions, you usually find these conversations help you.

Meditation: “Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtains guidance.” Proverbs 1:5   “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14,

Let’s talk: Who do you turn to in your life if you have questions or doubts about God? How have these people helped you in the past?