Jul 5, 2016 | Nurture
Most of us have experienced first-hand, in our lifetime, the disappearance of silence. Our distracting and distracted culture influences the children in our lives. As Glenn Hinson said,
“Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.”
We recognize how uninterrupted distraction diverts attention away from the most important matters in a child’s (and our) life:
- emotional upsets needing perspective
- decisions calling for wisdom
- important relationships deserving time and effort (including God)
How hard it is for me to catch on!
Silence allows me to maintain the connection between my inner life and my many activities. Whenever I get to spend time with the children in my family, or with family friends, I usually think first of what fun activities we can do together. Yet I’ve seen how a quiet car ride home gives the children time to process the events. I’m learning to pay attention to silence, and not to fill it with chatter.
What can we do about it?
Practical ideas for different ages:
Ages 1-5
Create a Quiet Place. Have a few inspirational books, a plush animal, a small blanket, a favorite toy, a bean bag chair or large pillow in an area of the home. Kids can use their creativity to add simple decorations. Let them know they can go there when the noise level in the house is uncomfortable or when they are sad or mad. (This is not time-out; the child is not sent there.)
Ages 5-10
In addition to a Quiet Place in the home, where they go without handhelds, plan intentional one-on-one time for nature walks, bike rides, lying in the yard looking at stars. Teach them some simple relaxation techniques.
Ages 11-17
I
f parents provided opportunities like a Quiet Place in the early years, teens may have internalized the rewards of silence and know how to provide it for themselves as a means of self-care. Encourage teens to take a “digital fast” away from the demands of their phones. Even a few hours can be a restful respite. Some may want to try a “silent retreat,” like this one described in HuffPost.
“God is the friend of silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” –Mother Teresa
Tweetable:
- A wise person said, “Noise desensitizes; silence sensitizes.” A few ways to provide children with silence. Click to Tweet
- Ideas about how silence can have a powerful role in a child’s active, noisy life. Go here. Click to Tweet
Jun 20, 2016 | Direction
Celebrate when children make a realistic plan and act on one of their choices! (They are succeeding at a skill more than a few adults have not mastered.) It may not be perfect. They may have overlooked some important criteria. Maybe they need to move on to one of their other options. Yet with each new venture they learn valuable lessons about seeing things through.
See it through — act on the choice
The first four steps of the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool teach children to think about the wisest choice they can make. Now they take action.
The best choices are not necessarily the easiest!
In order to “see it through” children learn to do things that are wise but feel scary or difficult—taking a risk. They don’t know how risks will turn out. But they only develop new skills by taking risks.
A child’s follow-through increases significantly when they ask for and receive help.
It’s okay to make mistakes or forget sometimes. The point is to keep talking about it and working at it until the child accomplishes the goal.
Conversation starter: A girl is learning to see it through
Shiloh, Melissa’s preteen daughter, made a choice that looked great on paper. She chose to talk to someone when she felt hurt instead of eating to cover up her feelings—and it’s proving to be a struggle to keep her commitment.
Shiloh walked into the house hoping no one was home.
She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She was in luck—nobody was home. Without even realizing what she was doing, she put her books on the table and went immediately to the kitchen and grabbed the package of Oreos. How lucky can you get! She took a fistful and started twisting them open so she could scrape the creamy middle off with her teeth before crunching into the chocolate wafers.
Somewhere in the distance she heard a car door slam. At the moment, however, chocolate wafers and creamy middles were all she cared about.
“Shiloh, where are you?” her mom yelled as she stumbled through the back door, her arms overstuffed with grocery bags. “I need some help with —” she stopped in mid-sentence when she saw the cookie package clutched tightly in her daughter’s arms. “Uh, I take it things didn’t go very well today.”
Shiloh looked up, surprised by her mother’s words. “Why do you say that?”
“You’re eating cookies as if your life depended on it.”
“I know you. Whenever you get upset, you eat. Are you going to get a part in the school play?”
“I don’t know yet,” Shiloh said with her mouth full of cookies. “The list gets posted next week.”
“Shiloh, stop it!” Her mom said, prying the cookie package out of her daughter’s hands. “What happened to the list of things you could do instead of eating when you feel anxious? You decided you wouldn’t do this anymore—eat to cover up your feelings. We’ve talked this through a million times.”
“It was a dumb decision. It’s too hard, Mom. I can’t do it!”
Her mom sighed and said, “Yes, you can! And I will help if you’ll let me.” When Shiloh nodded, her mother continued, “Great! I remember your decision was to tell someone what happened and how you are really feeling. Do you want to talk about it?”
Be aware of opportunities for follow-through on choices made by children this week. Praise them when they do well carrying out a choice. Be aware of their need for help. If the child did not follow through with a choice, make time to talk about it.
(Linda Sibley developed the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool and shared Shiloh’s story with us.)
Tweetable: It’s not enough to know what to do, a kid has to see it through and do it.How we can help them succeed. Click to Tweet
May 31, 2016 | Direction
When’s the last time you heard a child say: I had to do that. I didn’t have any choice! or She made me do it! or I’m bored… there’s nothing to do. or It wasn’t my fault… he started it! Sometimes kids find themselves in situations in which they think they just don’t have any choices.
It might not seem so at first, but kids always have choices.
That’s what step 2 in the CHOOSE tool is all about
Teach kids two important truths:
- There are always lots of choices for us.
- We may have to look hard to find them, especially when we can’t have our first choice.
Conversation starter — Try this example:
On Saturday morning, Gina’s mom told her she had to clean her room—right now, and no excuses! Gina was just getting ready to go outside to ride her bike. But now she has to clean her room. She doesn’t have any choice….right?
It’s true—Gina doesn’t have a choice about whether or not to clean her room. Mom was clear about that. But she still has choices. In fact, what Gina chooses to do next is very important. First ask: What are some of Gina’s choices? Let the child struggle to multiply options (and here are some possible responses you can drop in to help kickstart their thinking):
- She can mess around and try to avoid cleaning her room.
- She can try to sneak out of the house and ride her bike anyway.
- She can “Claim her problem” and get it done as quickly as possible so she can get on with what she really wants to do.
- What other choices can you think of? (after children exhaust their lists—help them add 2 more!)
- Can you see how the choice Gina makes will either help her or make things harder? (i.e. what are the consequences?)
Finding all our choices takes practice.
Most children (and adults) give up too soon, thinking we just don’t have any options, or we do the first thing that comes into our mind.
Brainstorming leads to empowerment.
It gives children the tools they need to protect themselves from being victimized or acting impulsively, especially in those situations in which we are not available to guide or protect them.
Growing up knowing, “I always, always have choices” is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children!
Tweetable: Many children give up too soon when brainstorming choices in any given situation. This could help. Click to Tweet
May 23, 2016 | Direction
C.H.O.O.S.E is the acrostic for a teaching tool we can use when equipping children to make wise choices. I learned it from my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy I’m sharing it through these posts.
- C = Claim the problem
- H = How many choices do I have?
- O = Own and use your moral compass
- O = One choice to try
- S = See it through
- E = Evaluate the results
Claim the Problem — Two important words to remember
- Claim the PROBLEM tells us life is full of problems we solve by deciding what to do about them. Some problems are easy and some are hard, but problems are just a part of life. Everyone has them.
- CLAIM the problem tells us the place to start is to face up to whatever problems come our way. Sometimes we don’t want to face something, so we pretend it is not there. We hope if we ignore it, it will just go away. Unfortunately, problems don’t “just go away” by themselves. Facing up to them (claiming) is the first step to resolving them.
Sounds easy, but some problems are harder to claim than others and we might feel afraid of them, like
- getting in trouble with mom or dad or your teacher
- losing a friend
- looking dumb in front of other people
It’s okay to be afraid when we have to claim a difficult problem. It’s not okay to make an unwise choice just because we’re scared. It’s okay to be scared to tell dad that you were the one who broke the window—who wouldn’t be scared to do that? But choosing to lie about it or blame someone else is not claiming your problem.
So what can a kid do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared?
You can remember that claiming your problem is always better than running away from it. And don’t forget to ask for help if you need it!
Conversation starters:
How do I know when I should ask for help with a problem I am facing? (when you feel scared, confused, or just want to talk)- Who can I ask for help? (Be sure every child has a list of at least 5 sources of help. Their lists could include, friends, relatives, counselors, teachers, coaches, clergy, etc.)
- Write a list:
- …Older children may have a personal device on which they have a “List” category. Guide them in entering names and phone numbers of those on their personal Helpers List.
- …Younger children will need help writing out names and numbers and deciding on a safe place to keep their list. The list for children who can’t read will be actual photos of trusted adults they can turn to for help.
- Keep a family Gratitude Journal in which you record instances when the family received help (including possibly God’s) when they faced a hard problem.
Tweetable: So what’s a kid to do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared? Some ideas here. Click to Tweet
May 9, 2016 | Attachment
It’s hard to find child-sized words kids can use to express spiritual or transcendent experiences. “Kids need to know the words,” says middle school teacher Sheila Edwards. “When you’re giving to others, that’s sacrifice. Labeling it makes it powerful. Kids can say, ‘I did this—it shows I’m committed,’ or ‘This shows I have integrity.’”
A teacher told one student: “Jake’s mother told me that every kid in the class made fun of him when his nose was runny—everyone but you. Your compassion made a difference to Jake. He came home and told his mom about it.”
Our reward for giving children words
The reward for giving children language to go with their spiritual life is that we build a bridge connecting ourselves with the child in the deepest part of their being (and ours). If nurtured, it will remain so for the rest of our lives. And the child can form bonds like this with other trustworthy people because they have language to communicate at this level..
I know, because my mother did this with me.
For instance, in a supermarket line she said, “That clerk has an amazing amount of self-control. Look how patient and calm she is with the angry customer.” Or when I, as an 11-year-old, came sobbing to her about how I was afraid she would die, after comforting me emotionally, she said, “Honey, I am indestructible until my work on earth is finished and when it is, God will provide everything you need to live a good life.”
Start with photos
A young family can benefit from a Photo Album of family members’ generous, thoughtful actions. Young children remember IMAGES, not words. Print and hang actual photos near your dining table or attach them to the refrigerator. Change them periodically to show new expressions of the family’s spiritual values.
Move on to educate them with vocabulary words that match the behaviors.
Notice and affirm loving behavior. “Sage had trouble opening her straw. You did it and poked it into her juice box. That was helpful.”
I listen for, and excitedly affirm children when they use spiritual vocabulary, such as:
justice — mercy — God — peace — helpful –moral — faith — purpose — meaning — ethical — good — right — wrong — reason — conscience — spirit — soul — mind –worship — prayer — forgive — integrity — truth — inner life — loving
Each of these words becomes part of a child’s vocabulary. Once children identify language to go with their spiritual life, they can use those words in daily settings.Their everyday acts and interactions reflect a spiritual quality.
Spiritual qualities my mother’s words passed to me:
To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That’s what faith must be. (Michael Card)
Tweetable:
- It’s hard to find child-sized words kids can use to express spiritual or transcendent experiences. Click to Tweet
- Educate children with vocabulary words that reflect their ethical behavior. Read more here. Click to Tweet
