Dec 7, 2015 | Attachment
“It took me years to figure out what my kids aren’t getting, so I could go out and get it.”
Disappointment hung on these words: because of a lack of knowledge; for the difficulty of facing down what’s fragile in life; for the uncertainty around what really matters in the end.
In the same breath, hope burns brightly.
This parent went out and got it—decided what investments to make in the child and took steps to make it happen.
The legacy I want to leave through this blog is connected to this parent’s statement.
I want every reader to discover your unique role and responsibilities within the spiritual development of the important children in your life and to achieve it with excellence.
With the five minutes of your time each week it takes to read Child-Centered Spirituality…..
….I challenge you to reflect, evaluate and act now. I ask questions like, “How can I promote a fulfilling, meaningful life for this child?” “How should I respond to the hard questions?” “How do I engage with children about the wrongs I have done?” “What will I leave behind as a legacy?”
I try to increase your awareness of what children are and are not getting from you.
I do this by giving ideas for forming new habits of engagement with children, rather than just letting life happen to you in the same old way.
In the weeks following my mother’s death in August, an insight dawned: My parents equipped me fully to live without them. I have everything I need for life.
How did they do this? Not perfectly by any external standard. But they did it perfectly for me. I have been able to fill in the missing parts, learned from the hardships and joys of life. It hasn’t been all good but all things have worked together for good in my life.
Standing on this foundation, I write each week.
In addition, several talented people collaborate with me in the writing and distribution of the blog. Tara Miller edits and contributes ideas. Alisha Ule assists with social media. Annette Schalk does the German translation. Ryan Schultz provides technical support.
Thanks to all of my readers on this 2nd anniversary of the Child-centered Spirituality blog!
Your Likes, Shares and Comments lift my spirit, and for the most frequent of these, I say a special thanks to Bob L, Richard M, Patricia G, Laura L, Aloyce L, Megan R, Michelle U, and Shan S.
Tweetable: A blog where you actually get practical ideas so that kids get from you what they need for spiritual development. Click to Tweet
Nov 16, 2015 | trust
A milestone occurs when children enter school and their relationship pool increases and deepens. They look for ways to connect with others and with God in new ways.
In grade school, you are still the one they most want to hear from about spirituality and the one they most watch to learn what it looks like to live with spirituality as part of daily life.
But now they act in a way that reveals their need to widen the circle to include their friends’ families and a faith community.
For some parents this seems like the right time to affiliate with a religion or faith community.
Community involvement has to do with how a child practices their spirituality, as expressed through various beliefs, practices and rituals. It is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
A faith community links up with a child’s needs for attachment and for trust.
It moves them forward to explore the other relational issue of importance to them: how a connection forms between God and a person. One woman remembers when she began to look for this connection:
Just because I was raised in a home in which God was never talked about, doesn’t mean that I never thought about God.
It is true that this influenced me to think that God was not a relevant part of how I go about living my life. And true that being raised in a home where relationship was deeply stunted influenced me to feel that God is distant, even non-existent.
However, these ideas about God being not relevant, non-existent or distant did not form a foundational belief in my core, even though my upbringing should have prescribed it.
There was nothing in my childhood experience to form in me a belief that God is relevant, real or near, but deep down inside these are precisely the attitudes that were rooted in my core, and even helped me to dig out of the relational laziness or isolation that I could have resigned myself to.
A faith Community is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
Tweetable: When is a good time to get my family involved in a faith community? Look here for a few thoughts about it. Click to Tweet
Oct 12, 2015 | Security
Casey (age 9) has been learning to plan ahead so he gets to school on time. [see previous post]. But when he hears his 6:30 alarm, his self-talk thoughts begin:
- “It’s warm in my bed and cold in the house. I’m going to stay here and sleep just a few minutes more.”
- “I’m not hungry, so I can skip breakfast and stay in bed a little longer.”
- “I won’t take a shower because I didn’t get very dirty yesterday. I don’t have to get up quite yet.”
- “The carpool will be late and I don’t like waiting for it, so I’ll stay here for just a minute or two more.”
Casey’s parents are helping him change his self-talk about wake-ups to:
“I know I would enjoy sleeping longer, but it is more important to comb my hair right now. I don’t want to spend all day with hair problems. I want to eat a good breakfast so I won’t feel hollow inside. I’m going to stick with the plan.”
Reinforcement encourages Casey to continue.
When he carries out his plan, Casey’s parents reinforce the behavior. “You did it!” or “Way to go!” But more importantly, they show them him how to listen for his own inner voice–his human spirit–telling him, “Well done! I did think about sleeping a little longer but I told myself that I wanted to have time to eat a bowl of cereal and I did!”
His parents show him how by practicing self-talk themselves.
When Casey is around, his mom says things like,”I controlled my anger. I did get mad at that kid, but I told myself not to yell at her and I didn’t! I put up with my frustrating feelings and they went away.”
They include a provision for what to do in case Casey fails.
They know it’s not the end of the world when Casey doesn’t do it perfectly. Casey’s father said, “We’ve been talking together at the dinner table almost every night about what Casey has been planning and doing. He wants to be responsible and independent.”
“Today he was late for the carpool and we asked him what he said to himself about it. Casey told us, ‘I told myself I want to hang in there. I’m not going to quit trying. I will teach myself to do what I really want to do.’
“I think Casey’s brain is gradually rewiring itself so he can think and plan.”
Tweetable: Self-talk helps children teach themselves to do what they really want to do. Here’s how. Click to Tweet
Psychologist Candace Backus shared these principles before she passed earlier this year.
Oct 5, 2015 | Security
If you were to ask Casey (age 9), “What are you going to do tomorrow?” he would probably reply, “I don’t know. I’ll wait and see.” Sometimes this attitude causes trouble for him.
When it is time to go to school, he is hardly ever ready. Most school mornings he is racing around to comb his hair and find his shoes. He arrives late at his friends’ birthday parties and when his mother had a birthday, he did not think to make her a card or give her a present.
Whenever the neighborhood boys talk about what sports they want to play next season or what they will be doing on Sunday, Casey cannot think of anything to say.
When Casey told his aunt about it, she had an idea that she hoped would strengthen his planning skills.
Notice these things in the story below about how Casey’s aunt enters into his world:
- He doesn’t know about tomorrow so she uses the language of today.
- He’s a fun-loving boy so she makes up a game.
Planning is the same as closing your eyes and pretending–like playing a game.
Let’s pretend that today is your birthday. How many people are at your party? Who are they? What games are you playing? What are your friends doing at the party? What day of the week is it? Is it morning? afternoon? What is everyone eating? When you open your presents, what is inside? She repeats the game with other events like Christmas and vacation.
Casey learns that he has the ability to think about any day he chooses.
Pretend that it is tomorrow (a school day with a 7:30 carpool pick-up) and pretend that you are doing what you need to do to be on time without hurrying. How are you waking up (i.e. alarm clock or family member)? What time are you getting up? What are you eating for breakfast? Are you taking a shower? Where is your backpack (shoes, comb)? While Casey is still imagining tomorrow in the scene he created…..
…his aunt asks, What did you do to be sure you were ready for the carpool?
She waits while Casey tries to answer, and in so doing, he tells himself what to do to be ready on time. At one point she helped him realistically re-work his plan when she sensed that he was far off-track.
But wait–there’s more. Next week: How Casey’s self-talk helps him plan successfully.
Tweetable: How children can learn that planning is the same as closing your eyes and pretending, like playing a game. Click to Tweet
Casey’s aunt said she learned these principles from psychologist Candace Backus before Ms. Backus passed earlier this year.
Sep 8, 2015 | Security
One dad has been laying a spiritual foundation for his children based upon the truth about their higher power, as they understand it–God knows you, loves you and cares about you.
This dad shares his approach to helping his children know that they are known by God and loved by God. Notice how precisely his actions display the character of their higher power, combining emotional intelligence and spiritual intelligence.
I make time when my kids want to discuss or emote on any part of their life.
I am creating space to be with them in what they are feeling and thinking. They can express what they’re experiencing and I don’t correct them. Sometimes I have to let go of what I think their outcome should be. Yet I am there to help them navigate out.
However, I also come to them when I am frustrated.
I’ve said out loud that it is hard for me not to get angry or that I’m probably not thinking clearly right now. Without burdening them with inappropriate adult details, I want to show them my emotional state, and how they can recognize their emotional state in what I am saying about mine.
In our interactions, I hope that my children are experiencing what they believe is true about their higher power:
There is a safety in coming to me with anything they feel or think. They won’t be corrected in how they feel. Because I make time and space to listen, I know my children, and I accept the fact that we have our differences, all the time loving and providing for them.
I am proud of their freedom to disagree intensely with people, be in direct conflict with people, but not feel personal offense and intense relational separation from them. They have the comfort of knowing that they are loved by God and us and they can love and respect those with whom they disagree.
How willing are you to share your internal world–including your upsets–with the children in your life?
Tweetable: Can adults display the character or nature of a child’s higher power? This dad gives it a try. Click to Tweet
