Nov 16, 2015 | trust
A milestone occurs when children enter school and their relationship pool increases and deepens. They look for ways to connect with others and with God in new ways.
In grade school, you are still the one they most want to hear from about spirituality and the one they most watch to learn what it looks like to live with spirituality as part of daily life.
But now they act in a way that reveals their need to widen the circle to include their friends’ families and a faith community.
For some parents this seems like the right time to affiliate with a religion or faith community.
Community involvement has to do with how a child practices their spirituality, as expressed through various beliefs, practices and rituals. It is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
A faith community links up with a child’s needs for attachment and for trust.
It moves them forward to explore the other relational issue of importance to them: how a connection forms between God and a person. One woman remembers when she began to look for this connection:
Just because I was raised in a home in which God was never talked about, doesn’t mean that I never thought about God.
It is true that this influenced me to think that God was not a relevant part of how I go about living my life. And true that being raised in a home where relationship was deeply stunted influenced me to feel that God is distant, even non-existent.
However, these ideas about God being not relevant, non-existent or distant did not form a foundational belief in my core, even though my upbringing should have prescribed it.
There was nothing in my childhood experience to form in me a belief that God is relevant, real or near, but deep down inside these are precisely the attitudes that were rooted in my core, and even helped me to dig out of the relational laziness or isolation that I could have resigned myself to.
A faith Community is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.
Tweetable: When is a good time to get my family involved in a faith community? Look here for a few thoughts about it. Click to Tweet
Jul 20, 2015 | Nurture
One dad says, “For a long time, my wife and I were so busy responding to the chaos around us in our family that we never had a chance to address the questions of values, meaning and purpose.”
How about you? If you tried out some of these conversation-starters on a road trip this summer, how do you think your children (starting at age 10) might respond?
- I wish I was more…..
- My family thinks I am….
- What I want to accomplish with my life is….
- These things I do every day are meaningful to me….
- My life matters because….
- One thing about myself I would change is…
- One thing about myself I would never change is…
- I think that what God thinks about me and my life is….
- These things that happened to me are part of my developing as a person….
- I wish my family would…
- When I want to talk about something important, the person or people I go to are….
For many parents, the thought of opening these conversations with kids can be frightening.
Remember, we’re talking about ages 10 and up. We might not like the answers we get. Yet our willingness to talk openly about spiritual matters from their earliest years of life is the gift of wholeness in their being, leading to much greater balance of body, mind, spirit and emotion.
These conversations are gifts you give your children to prepare them for whatever spiritual journeys await them.
When they are young adults, they will take it from here. Where will they take it? Impossible to say– or to control.
Tweetable: How do you think your children will respond to these conversation-starters that touch on their heart and soul? Click to Tweet
Jun 22, 2015 | Nourishment
“I’m bored” should be two of the most thrilling words children say to us.
“I’m bored” demonstrates a child’s willingness to go outside their default game, the usual videos or familiar TV shows. This is our big chance to suggest activities that will engage children in one of their proven talents.
The child’s emotional payoff will make it easier next time to get outside the usual.
For some children, that could mean engaging in art or learning karate. For one girl, it meant party planning. At 10 years old, she was demonstrating ability in leadership and organization. She loved planning things and being in charge, and she was creative.
Her mother suggested that she plan a surprise party for her sister.
The girl shifted into gear with great enthusiasm. She dreamed up a theme and activities. She planned out the schedule of what should be done when. She created a guest list and invited people.
She designed a menu that would go with the party theme, then made a list of supplies and food for her mother to pick up. This 10-year-old was clearly in her element, and her joy in surprising her sister with a fun party and friends was evident.
Certainly there is a cost to supporting and encouraging a child’s abilities and interests.
Expect to see an impact on the way money will be spent, amount and type of family time spent, and choice of activities outside the home and school.
It could mean recruiting extended family to pay for lessons. As a great-aunt, I’m always looking for birthday gifts that the kids will like and use. Recently I made a comment to two of my nieces about the artistic ability I see in their children. I talked about gifting summer cartooning classes to the one who lives near the Charles Schultz Museum. We know her son is artistic, but let’s see if cartooning fuels a spark in him.
Learn to see boredom as an opportunity for creativity and development for the children in your life. You never know what it might spark.
Next week: The unluckiest kids in the neighborhood
Tweetable: Summer is here and “I’m bored” should be two of the most thrilling words children say to us–here’s why. Click to Tweet
Apr 6, 2015 | Security
Many people have chapters of their life that they may be hesitant to tell their children about. Ask yourself 5 questions as you weigh the pros and cons.
Is my child very likely to hear about my past from another source?
When I was in middle school, my friend learned of her father’s affairs and pending divorce by overhearing adults talking at a family gathering. If family members, friends or neighbors know about your past, there is a good chance your child will eventually hear about it too. Is it important that they hear it from you?
Is there an uncomfortable secrecy in your family?
Not sharing such experiences can lead to an uncomfortable secrecy in some families. Obviously, what you share, how many details you give, and when you disclose them will be age and situation appropriate. Will your children feel empowered within your family from knowing what the others know? Will the initial upset they feel upon hearing it be less than the damaging effects of hiding secrets?
Am I clear about my motives for doing this?
- Children respect parents who are honest with them, but you have the right to your privacy. If you don’t want to reopen old wounds, don’t feel obligated to do so. Will you be sharing from a place of free choice, self-imposed pressure, or outward compulsion?
- David Sheff, comments on a parent’s common motivation for sharing about a past drug addiction:
Parents’ hands are tied. If you lie, you put your entire relationship on the line, risk being caught in a lie and ruin any trust you’ve built over the many years of parenting.
But if you come clean, you run the risk of showing your kid that it’s fine to try anything because, hey, you’re still here to talk about it.
Either way, “It’s not going to determine whether your kid uses or not,” says Sheff. “The reason kids are going to use or not use has almost nothing to do with what their parents say.”
Sheff continues, “It has to do with the relationship you have with your kids, and how open are they going to be with you,” he notes, “and how involved in their lives you are to perceive the struggles they’re having below the surface.”
Have I made peace with myself [and my God] about my actions?
“There are shameful things that parents feel, and they have to come to terms with that first,” says Eileen Bond, supervising faculty at the University of Michigan Center for Child and Family and a clinical social worker.“Shame should not contaminate their response. And that requires reflection.”
When making peace with past experiences, many people turn to a counselor, clergy person, chaplain, support group, or spiritual director. What are your resources for reflecting and processing toward a place of greater peace before discussing it with your children?
Is my child judging and criticizing others?
An anonymous mother says: My 12-year-old daughter had been flipping through television channels when she stopped on a talk show about women who’d had abortions. “Those women must be awful,” my daughter said scornfully. “How could anyone kill a baby like that?”
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to tell my daughter about my own past. I offered a silent prayer, then burst into my story.
“Those women aren’t necessarily awful,” I began. “Sometimes they’re simply trapped. I had an abortion when I was a teenager. I was young and scared, and I thought abortion was my only option. Eventually I met and married your awesome dad, and we were blessed to have you.”
My daughter was crushed. “She cried like a baby about my past. I felt terrible, but I knew I was right to tell her and I believe she won’t go on being judgmental toward women who’ve had abortions.”
Older children are insightful enough to know you have things you aren’t proud of. How will your honesty make you more believable and approachable? What will be the reward for self-disclosure?
Tweetable: Five questions help parents weigh pros and cons of whether to share your old life with your children. Click to Tweet
