One dad says, “For a long time, my wife and I were so busy responding to the chaos around us in our family that we never had a chance to address the questions of values, meaning and purpose.”
How about you? If you tried out some of these conversation-starters on a road trip this summer, how do you think your children (starting at age 10) might respond?
I wish I was more…..
My family thinks I am….
What I want to accomplish with my life is….
These things I do every day are meaningful to me….
My life matters because….
One thing about myself I would change is…
One thing about myself I would never change is…
I think that what God thinks about me and my life is….
These things that happened to me are part of my developing as a person….
I wish my family would…
When I want to talk about something important, the person or people I go to are….
For many parents, the thought of opening these conversations with kids can be frightening.
Remember, we’re talking about ages 10 and up. We might not like the answers we get. Yet our willingness to talk openly about spiritual matters from their earliest years of life is the gift of wholeness in their being, leading to much greater balance of body, mind, spirit and emotion.
These conversations are gifts you give your children to prepare them for whatever spiritual journeys await them.
When they are young adults, they will take it from here. Where will they take it? Impossible to say– or to control.
Tweetable: How do you think your children will respond to these conversation-starters that touch on their heart and soul? Click to Tweet
This boy’s joyful attitude about work is the norm for young children. He sees the connection between his work and a greater purpose. He delights in being helpful.
As children get older, does it seem that many of them lose the joy?
Chores and work are not the same thing
It’s fair to say that chores build a child’s character and instill belonging within the family unit or classroom. Work calls forth the child’s talents, aptitudes, feelings, intelligence and traits. Work builds purpose and meaning into their life. How do we help children experience meaningful work?
Action Item #1 – Ask kids what work they like to do
Start with one of those tasks and participate with them so that you can see and hear the genuine delight expressed by the child. Your goal is to find work that brings them genuine delight.
When my foster child and I were in the car together, she noticed every homeless person we passed and frequently said softly out loud: “Oh poor thing.” As we talked about homelessness, we came up with an idea.
We worked together to purchase nonperishable items and she filled brown bags to keep in the car so she could pass the bags out the window when she was so moved. She was excited every time she was able to deliver another bag and she told me when we needed to make more.
In another example, my family drove seven hours to take a tour of a training center for guide dogs because my preteen sister loved training her pets. My parents wanted to give her some hands-on experience and exposure to this kind of work. (As an adult she was involved with greyhound rescue.)
Action Item #2 – Guess and try something
“Paul Bennett, the chief creative officer at a global design firm, traces his identity as a designer to the day when his father, Jim, a former military pilot, brought home The Golden Hands Encyclopedia of Crafts. Jim then spent the next two years sitting with his son, making macramé and knitting God’s eyes [yarn weavings], so that sensitive little kid could explore his talent and find his confidence.”
Action Item #3 – Ask teachers, coaches, friends and family what they observe
At parent-teacher conference, ask the teacher: What tasks is my child happiest doing? One father heard this response from his son’s teacher: Your son is always telling us sports statistics. He is happiest doing math. I wonder if his above average math skills are due in part to his passion for sports stats.”
Ask the same question periodically of extended family members. Invite trusted friends who are retired to spend time working with the child on a project of mutual interest. Many retirees stay in their own world until they are asked. When people are asked to volunteer and help out, they typically do.
Next week, three more action items for us to help children become mindful of the work they enjoy, leading toward an adult life of happiness and purpose.
Tweetable: Three action items for you – children who become mindful of the work they enjoy now have an advantage later. Click to Tweet
Sometimes developing the children in our lives means not doing more but doing less, not buying another camp or class, but encouraging a bit of boredom and seeing what happens.
I was raised in a two-parent household and my mother worked as a nurse.
In the summers when she worked the 3-11pm shift, she was home with my sister and me until 2:30. She made it part of our daily routine to come in from playing at noon. She made it a “lunch hour” in which we ate and spent the remainder of the hour in “quiet time” in our bedroom.
We were to stay on our bed but we could have anything we wanted. For me it was mostly library books and workbooks. She went to the school supply store at the beginning of summer and got math and language arts workbooks. I devoured language arts. It was so much fun to work with words. I grew accustomed to loving the written word in my everyday life and outside of class assignments.
The unluckiest kids in the neighborhood
I also put items onto my bed that I was going to play with during the hour, sometimes reorganize my jewelry box, open my piggy bank and count the money. The first week of the first summer of quiet time my sister and I thought we were the unluckiest kids in the neighborhood, deprived of a whole hour of play. I learned to like that quiet hour, although I would never admit it to my friends.
Adjust your thinking to view boredom as an opportunity for creativity and development for the children in your life. You never know what it might spark.
Tweetable: One mom found an idea that works for summer vacation–Lunch Hour. Find out more here. Click to Tweet
“I’m bored” should be two of the most thrilling words children say to us.
“I’m bored” demonstrates a child’s willingness to go outside their default game, the usual videos or familiar TV shows. This is our big chance to suggest activities that will engage children in one of their proven talents.
The child’s emotional payoff will make it easier next time to get outside the usual.
For some children, that could mean engaging in art or learning karate. For one girl, it meant party planning. At 10 years old, she was demonstrating ability in leadership and organization. She loved planning things and being in charge, and she was creative.
Her mother suggested that she plan a surprise party for her sister.
The girl shifted into gear with great enthusiasm. She dreamed up a theme and activities. She planned out the schedule of what should be done when. She created a guest list and invited people.
She designed a menu that would go with the party theme, then made a list of supplies and food for her mother to pick up. This 10-year-old was clearly in her element, and her joy in surprising her sister with a fun party and friends was evident.
Certainly there is a cost to supporting and encouraging a child’s abilities and interests.
Expect to see an impact on the way money will be spent, amount and type of family time spent, and choice of activities outside the home and school.
It could mean recruiting extended family to pay for lessons. As a great-aunt, I’m always looking for birthday gifts that the kids will like and use. Recently I made a comment to two of my nieces about the artistic ability I see in their children. I talked about gifting summer cartooning classes to the one who lives near the Charles Schultz Museum. We know her son is artistic, but let’s see if cartooning fuels a spark in him.
Learn to see boredom as an opportunity for creativity and development for the children in your life. You never know what it might spark.
Next week: The unluckiest kids in the neighborhood
Tweetable: Summer is here and “I’m bored” should be two of the most thrilling words children say to us–here’s why. Click to Tweet
“Nothing affects the environment of a childso much as the unlived life of a parent”. –Carl Jung
I saw that quote in Laurie Beth Jones’ book, The Path. Ms Jones gave permission to use her ideas in this post.
Where or how do you see your “unlived life” played out in your relationship with your child?
Use this exercise to help you take time to gather your thoughts– maybe write them down.
1. Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents’ (and other key relatives) unlived lives? Their dreams? Some people may not know. Perhaps their parents never spoke about having dreams. For example, did your parents think that people don’t deserve dreams? Or that such things are not meant to be shared? Or that you never cared enough to ask? Or that your parents didn’t trust you enough to share their deepest thoughts with you?
How has this affected your life?
Your own dreams
3. What are your dreams for your life? What is your unlived life? If you do not know, why do you think that is so?
Your child’s future
4. How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children?
Now go and ask your children, “What are your dreams for yourself? What do you love to do?”
Action steps
Pay close attention to whatever information you gather about the child’s desires or talents. What action steps do you want to take in order to increase your support for the child’s unique potential?
Next week: The gift of boredom
Tweetable: How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children? Click to Tweet
“Nothing affects the environment of a child so much as the unlived life of a parent”. –
Think back to your own childhood. What were your parents’ (and other key relatives) unlived lives? Their dreams? Some people may not know. Perhaps their parents never spoke about having dreams. For example, did your parents think that people don’t deserve dreams? Or that such things are not meant to be shared? Or that you never cared enough to ask? Or that your parents didn’t trust you enough to share their deepest thoughts with you?
4. How is your unlived life affecting the expectations and dreams you have for your children?