Feb 20, 2017 | Security
Regardless of our differences in religion, language or ideas, there is no heart that is without an inner divine reference. And each family seems to have a unique impression about when, how and if God makes known his thoughts and feelings toward them, often referred to as blessings. What impressions about God’s blessing are you imparting to the children in your family?
From one of my interviews about spirituality emerged this family’s image of a God who does not bless, but forgets, entire groups of people.
As a young child, if I questioned my family about God or spiritual things, it was often tossed aside as unimportant and not for people like us, that is, those who God forgets.
My grandmother considered our family in the group of those God forgets because we didn’t go to church and there was just too much disaster and brokenness in our lives.
A second family presents a God whose nature is to bless.
Our parental blessing was invested with a certain higher power, intended for the good of our children.
May God bless you and guard you.
May God show you favor and be gracious to you.
May God show you kindness and grant you peace.
To this day, the blessing is prized highly by the children. The value of the benediction repeatedly spoken by the father and mother represents the working of forces that make for righteousness, and the continuity of the Jewish spirit.*
Adult family members can invoke God’s blessing, in their own words and style:
- Bob Dylan’s parental blessing in song: “May God bless and keep you always….. …May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you,
May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong.
May you stay forever young…..”*
- “God, may the people in my life never be left wondering if they are of value to you or to me. Help me to bless them with my words and my actions. Remind me not to leave my words to chance but use them to protect, encourage and renew.” (my prayer)
- “When inspired, I bless my son noting milestones in his life from the past week and anything else that moves me about my relationship with him. There are no specific formulations to these personal prayers, just simple sentiments like, ‘May you continue to approach the smallest discoveries in life with wonder and joy’ or ‘May I continue to learn how to be the best mother to you.’ (Dasee Berkowitz)
What do your blessings toward your children look like in your family?
*Jewish Encyclopedia: “Ethics of Judaism,” pt. ii., p. 213; Bob Dylan, “Forever Young.” Published by Lyrics © BOB DYLAN MUSIC CO
Tweetable:
- Regardless of our differences in religion or ideas no heart is without an inner divine reference. Click to Tweet
- Adult family members can invoke God’s blessing on kids in their own words and style. Some examples here. Click to Tweet
Jan 2, 2017 | Direction
Older children seem to be aware of unexplainable events in their life, events having spiritual or metaphysical overtones. They speak freely to an interested listener, with the attitude that it’s obvious there’s something out there. And they have ideas and questions about what that something might be. It is important to a young person to have adult engagement with their most difficult questions.
Adults can offer a calm presence.
Even though we may have no clue how to answer their specific question, we can offer a non-anxious presence — a certain comfort level with the contradictions and complexities of a preteen.
We also offer understanding when they share their outlook:
There’s a lot of time I think I don’t really necessarily believe there’s life after death right now. I’m pondering, toying around with the idea that once you die it’s done, which would put the end to the point of belief right? But at the same time there’s this nagging, well if it is true, I’m screwed.
If a caregiver has a clear belief system…
…we can suggest an answer to a child’s questions in alignment with that belief system, although it’s still a good idea to hear the child out and not try to force your own opinions.
A framework is useful when adults aren’t sure what they believe.
The obvious challenge arises if a caregivers aren’t sure what they believe themselves.What then? Although saying “I have no idea” to an adult is a perfectly fine response, that can be unsettling to a child because it does not provide a safe boundary.
You might consider responses such as:
- “Some people think X, others think Y.” “What do you think?”
- Or “That’s a great question. Let’s explore that together and figure it out,” followed by an Internet search, a trip to the library and/or some other sources of information.
Tweetable:
- Something to consider when a child’s spiritual questions arise and we’re not sure what we believe ourselves. Click to Tweet.
- Saying “I have no idea” to an adult is okay, but can be unsettling to a child asking about God. Go here for ideas. Click to Tweet
Jan 25, 2016 | Attachment
When adults try to help children relate to others authentically, we generally promote qualities like patience, forgiveness, honesty, love, etc. These come to us by way of our human spirit. Strong spiritual awareness can figure prominently into our ability to form healthy relationships.
We become the live action video.
To help children develop these qualities means we must model them ourselves.We become the live action video– the indelible image of how to form authentic relationships.
To what degree have you practiced behaviors like these with the important children in your life?
- The child observes occasions when my actions and words respect persons different from me, allowing us to engage in dialogue about how to treat people with respect.
- Since people offend me at times, and the child knows about it, I am open about my ups and downs on the road to forgiveness and reconciliation.
- I model and encourage time for social gatherings, including spiritual or religious services.
- The child sees me listen to someone’s spiritual journey without injecting my own opinion.
- I encourage the child to find trusted adults besides me with whom they can talk about life and God.
You will adapt them to fit with your spiritual tradition.
Remember that in some cases you may need to adapt them to fit with your spiritual tradition, the qualities you value, and even your culture. For example, in #1 above, different people might reconcile “treat people with respect” with “standing up for oneself” in different ways. Here’s one mother’s experience:
My 7-year-old daughter Sophie came home one day very upset because her best friend Mariah said something insensitive about her height.
Sophie was very short for her age, and sensitive about it. Mariah, who was tall for her age, had no understanding that someone might be sensitive about her height.
I called Mariah’s mom and explained the situation. Both of us wanted to teach our daughters how to work through conflict productively.
We set up a meeting time for Sophie to share how she felt, for Mariah to hear, understand it, and apologize, and for Sophie to accept the apology and restore the relationship.
Both girls were afraid, as neither liked conflict, but they worked through the process as we coached them.
The result was a restored friendship, rather than the growing distance that occurs when hurt feelings go unaddressed.
Our family was later able to talk about that experience of recognizing when you have done something wrong, then asking for and receiving forgiveness, in the context of our Catholic tradition.
Tweetable: To what degree are you modeling authentic relationships for the important children in your life? Click to Tweet
Mar 9, 2015 | Direction
Boston University professor Dr. Nancy Ammerman organizes spiritual and religious experiences into four packages. I share her research as one way to help children understand and define these terms.
1) Godless (nontheistic) spirituality
Spirituality is not framed in terms of God but rather as a kind of transcendence that is “bigger than me” and beyond the ordinary. A secularist from Atlanta said:
Experiencing things that are calming and healing in what might almost be a spiritual way–I’ve had that from lots of things: music, movies that I love, and books.
2) God-centered spirituality
Spirituality is about God, especially one’s relationship with God, and any mysterious encounters or happenings that result from it.
I love to be out on a boat on the ocean for the same reason I like to be in my garden, ’cause I feel close to the Lord and the beauty of the world.
3) Ethical spirituality
Spirituality is living a virtuous life by helping others and transcending one’s own selfish interests to seek what is right. This is a definition of spirituality that all survey respondents, from the most conservative Christian to the secular neo-pagan, agreed was the essence of authentic spirituality.
4) Belief and belonging
This spirituality package is defined differently by those who are active in a religion and those who are not. Ammerman wrote,
Believing, for instance, could either be a way of talking about devout spirituality or a way of describing superstition. Belonging can represent a positive identity or a symbol of being trapped in an authoritarian tradition. Tension between the two definitions sheds some light on why people would describe themselves as spiritual but not religious.
Conclusions of interest to children:
- Spiritual and Religious are rarely at odds but intersect often in the daily lives of people as they describe their spirituality.
- When conflicts/tensions arise it is almost always when individuals/groups use religion to draw political and moral boundaries.
- Research shows more common than uncommon spiritual practices and beliefs between those who say they are religious and those who don’t.
Link to complete article by journalist Matthew Brown.
Tweetable:
Get help here when your older kids ask the difference between religious and spiritual. Click to tweet
Jul 28, 2014 | Nurture
Last month a 10-year-old girl passed this note of gratitude to a childcare worker in her after-school program. The worker explains:
I was sitting around a table with four children, preparing to act out a little play, when Destiny asked me a question about God. They all heard me answer her very simply.
I don’t remember the question, but she was so attentive to my answer that I went home, wrote out what I had said, and gave it to her next time I saw her. We had two or three more short interactions about God and three weeks later she wrote this note to me:
Not far below the surface of a 10-year-old girl’s chatter about boys, who’s wearing ugly clothes, and who hurt my best friend’s feelings lies a human spirit… open and longing for someone to care.
