I could be in this video. One of my grandfathers had Tourette’s Syndrome, the other grandfather had an undiagnosed movement disorder manifesting in physical and vocal tics. The onset of my tics was somewhere around age 5 or 6.
Other children would pull away from me, stare at me, laugh at me.
My lonely heart provoked me to try suppressing “the jerks,” as I called the jerky, persistent tics. Each new elementary school I entered (and there were 5 of them) brought new resolve to ignore the urges, quiet the sounds and hide the tics, to no avail. Finally, when I was ten years old, something happened and I don’t know what it was, but I was able to resist the urges. At first, I resisted only at school but gave in to them at home. Then, even the urges quieted and the struggle faded into the background of my life.
Partly as a result of this experience, I am mindful of how adversity has a profound impact on our life purpose.
I experienced adversity through ridicule and shunning for five of my early years. Therefore, I (unconsciously) made it my mission to find as many ways to connect as a little girl ever could. And I succeeded. Years ago, I did a Strengthsfinder assessment and my Number One strength is Connectedness.
I find meaning in life by building bridges.
In Child-Centered Spirituality, Connectedness appears in my desire to guide adults as they assist children in integrating all the “parts” of themselves–spirit, body, mind, emotions. In order to do that I draw upon the wisdom of many because I need other people. There’s a lot I don’t know.
Connectedness shows up in Spiritual Direction appointments when people ask me to facilitate their connection with the divine. It’s there when I lead support groups that provide an environment for people to connect with each other for strength, hope and experience. And so on.
From this painful chapter of my young life flows a perspective that I can share with you for the children in your life.
Children have a limited vocabulary, but they feel and suffer just as adults do.
A child’s adversity possesses glorious purpose.
Difficulties in our earlier years often propel us to ultimately accomplish much good.
After a time of processing childhood adversity with a trusted person (counselor, mentor, relative), some adolescents experience a mid-course attitude correction that redirects them away from negative consequences and points them in positive directions.
Tweetable: Look here for a perspective of childhood adversity to share with the children in your life. Click to Tweet
The more they act out of their motivated abilities pattern*, the greater is a teenager’s satisfaction that they are using their life for its intended purpose –the purpose that they define, based upon the abilities, talents, skills, and temperament they see in themselves.
This exercise from the previous post gives teens in your life some concrete data about who they are: see this link: Guided questions motivational patterns.
They choose eight achievements from the data gathered from the questions.
These should be achievements that are the most important to them. For each item, they write:
how you got involved in it
the details of what you actually did
what was specifically enjoyable or satisfying to you
Look for the pattern
See the clear, strong connection between who you are and what you have done.
According to Miller and Mattson, the motivational pattern might be something like
improve/make better
meet needs/fulfill expectations
develop/build
be in charge/command
combat/prevail
acquire/possess
Knowing this, teens can now ask themselves: In what careers or environments will I be free to move in my motivated pattern? What educational path will best take me there?
“Isn’t that just like you?”
And so it is that we find the child acquiring his first scooter car when he is 4, his first bicycle at 8, his first car at 16, and his first house at age 30 is still acquiring money or material things at age 60.
The child defending her sister against a bully at age 9 is preoccupied at age 28 with her ministry to people facing personal tragedy or death and is making friends with former gang members at age 45.
Maybe what teens should do with their lives can be found, in large part, within what they have been doing all along.
Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — Miller and Mattson
Miller and Mattson continue, “Hidden behind their multiple interests is the consistency of a particular way of working and playing, a motivational pattern.”
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
Extensive research leads to the conclusion that consistent motivational patterns emerge “in rudimentary form by age 10 and are fully fleshed out in mid-teens.” Further, the motivational pattern remains consistent throughout a person’s life.
A poignant example
Kayla Jean Mueller was an American human rights activist and humanitarian aid worker. She was taken captive in August 2013 in Aleppo, Syria, while leaving a Doctors Without Borders hospital and died earlier this year in Syria at age 26.
When she was 22 she wrote to her parents: “Some people find God in church. Some people find God in nature. Some people find God in love. I find God in suffering. I’ve known for some time what my life’s work is, using my hands as tools to relieve suffering.”
The more teens act out of their motivated pattern, the greater is their own satisfaction that they are using their life for its intended purpose –the purpose that they define, based upon the abilities, talents, skills, and temperament they see in themselves. Here’s an exercise you can give to the teens in your life. To get started, see this link: Guided questions motivational patterns.
Next week : A second exercise to help teens pull out their work pattern from the data they recorded.
Tweetable: Six questions help teens identify patterns in their most satisfyingly consistent way of work and play. Click to Tweet
One dad says, “For a long time, my wife and I were so busy responding to the chaos around us in our family that we never had a chance to address the questions of values, meaning and purpose.”
How about you? If you tried out some of these conversation-starters on a road trip this summer, how do you think your children (starting at age 10) might respond?
I wish I was more…..
My family thinks I am….
What I want to accomplish with my life is….
These things I do every day are meaningful to me….
My life matters because….
One thing about myself I would change is…
One thing about myself I would never change is…
I think that what God thinks about me and my life is….
These things that happened to me are part of my developing as a person….
I wish my family would…
When I want to talk about something important, the person or people I go to are….
For many parents, the thought of opening these conversations with kids can be frightening.
Remember, we’re talking about ages 10 and up. We might not like the answers we get. Yet our willingness to talk openly about spiritual matters from their earliest years of life is the gift of wholeness in their being, leading to much greater balance of body, mind, spirit and emotion.
These conversations are gifts you give your children to prepare them for whatever spiritual journeys await them.
When they are young adults, they will take it from here. Where will they take it? Impossible to say– or to control.
Tweetable: How do you think your children will respond to these conversation-starters that touch on their heart and soul? Click to Tweet
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what they want from us. “Get married,” “Make money,” “Buy your own home.” We usually forget when and how we first received these messages about what we’re supposed to do with our lives, just as we forget when and how we learned to eat with a fork. —Barbara Sher
Think about the messages the children in your life are receiving.
Some kids are groomed from pre-Kindergarten to get into an Ivy League college. Their parents have decided that’s what success is– plus it gives them significant bragging rights to be used against other parents.
But Stanford last year accepted only 4% of its applicants. Most of those who applied met enough of the qualifications to think they had a chance at getting in, but the vast majority didn’t. What’s the result?
A setup for failure
96% of the kids who applied– primarily kids who are not used to failure– failed. What do they do then? We may have prepared them for the Ivy League, but we haven’t prepared them for failure. And failure is actually an important part of life.
Maybe this particular example doesn’t apply to you. You’ve never put such unrealistically high expectations on your daughter. You just want her to grow up, get married, have kids, and be happy.
But again– what if that’s your dream, not your daughter’s dream?
What if she would rather move to New York to be an actress than move to the suburbs to be a mom? How will you handle that?
Barbara Sher says, “Parents have their own dreams and it’s those dreams they’re pushing, not the child’s. In their heads, they have images of successful sons and daughters…children who are impressive—and secure.
“Very few parents have… the calmness of spirit to realize that the most practical thing any child can do is to find their own vision—and follow it.”
We need to disentangle our own goals– and our own identities– from those of the children in our lives. They are different people than we are and they are on a different journey than we have been on.
How okay is that with you?
Next week: Parents’ unfulfilled goals and a child’s future
Tweetable: A discussion here about the need to disentangle a child’s goals from our goals and identity for them. Click to Tweet
I find meaning in life by building bridges.
They choose eight achievements from the data gathered from the questions.
Some teens can do anything—they get good grades, are excellent athletes, and are involved with music, drama, editing yearbooks. They can do anything but do not know what to do with their lives. — 
A teen’s motivational pattern unlocks the door to a career they will love.
We’re all raised in families, communities and even entire cultures that barrage us with messages about what 
