Jun 20, 2016 | Direction
Celebrate when children make a realistic plan and act on one of their choices! (They are succeeding at a skill more than a few adults have not mastered.) It may not be perfect. They may have overlooked some important criteria. Maybe they need to move on to one of their other options. Yet with each new venture they learn valuable lessons about seeing things through.
See it through — act on the choice
The first four steps of the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool teach children to think about the wisest choice they can make. Now they take action.
The best choices are not necessarily the easiest!
In order to “see it through” children learn to do things that are wise but feel scary or difficult—taking a risk. They don’t know how risks will turn out. But they only develop new skills by taking risks.
A child’s follow-through increases significantly when they ask for and receive help.
It’s okay to make mistakes or forget sometimes. The point is to keep talking about it and working at it until the child accomplishes the goal.
Conversation starter: A girl is learning to see it through
Shiloh, Melissa’s preteen daughter, made a choice that looked great on paper. She chose to talk to someone when she felt hurt instead of eating to cover up her feelings—and it’s proving to be a struggle to keep her commitment.
Shiloh walked into the house hoping no one was home.
She didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She was in luck—nobody was home. Without even realizing what she was doing, she put her books on the table and went immediately to the kitchen and grabbed the package of Oreos. How lucky can you get! She took a fistful and started twisting them open so she could scrape the creamy middle off with her teeth before crunching into the chocolate wafers.
Somewhere in the distance she heard a car door slam. At the moment, however, chocolate wafers and creamy middles were all she cared about.
“Shiloh, where are you?” her mom yelled as she stumbled through the back door, her arms overstuffed with grocery bags. “I need some help with —” she stopped in mid-sentence when she saw the cookie package clutched tightly in her daughter’s arms. “Uh, I take it things didn’t go very well today.”
Shiloh looked up, surprised by her mother’s words. “Why do you say that?”
“You’re eating cookies as if your life depended on it.”
“I know you. Whenever you get upset, you eat. Are you going to get a part in the school play?”
“I don’t know yet,” Shiloh said with her mouth full of cookies. “The list gets posted next week.”
“Shiloh, stop it!” Her mom said, prying the cookie package out of her daughter’s hands. “What happened to the list of things you could do instead of eating when you feel anxious? You decided you wouldn’t do this anymore—eat to cover up your feelings. We’ve talked this through a million times.”
“It was a dumb decision. It’s too hard, Mom. I can’t do it!”
Her mom sighed and said, “Yes, you can! And I will help if you’ll let me.” When Shiloh nodded, her mother continued, “Great! I remember your decision was to tell someone what happened and how you are really feeling. Do you want to talk about it?”
Be aware of opportunities for follow-through on choices made by children this week. Praise them when they do well carrying out a choice. Be aware of their need for help. If the child did not follow through with a choice, make time to talk about it.
(Linda Sibley developed the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool and shared Shiloh’s story with us.)
Tweetable: It’s not enough to know what to do, a kid has to see it through and do it.How we can help them succeed. Click to Tweet
Jun 16, 2016 | Direction
We’re at the midway point of the C.H.O.O.S.E tool, which builds willpower and gives children a sound decision-making process they can carry throughout their lifetime.
Deciding what to do–one choice to TRY
This is the point at which the child settles on one good option to TRY in the situation.
After working through the previous steps of the C.H.O.O.S.E. tool, the only options on the child’s list are the wise ones. Sometimes the best option emerges very quickly, and other times it takes a while and the child may have to try a few different options before one works.
At times, children may not want to try any of their options. Why not?
- Fear of failure
- Need for approval from parents or others (e.g. people-pleasing)
- Disconnection from their source of guidance
For example, if you believe they are afraid to fail, see if they want to revisit the brainstorming process until the child convinces himself he does indeed have enough information to make a choice.
Maybe the child can’t decide because she wants to choose an option she thinks will not please you. You can assure her you see her point of view and you are supportive of her choice no matter what the outcome.
Remember, the list contains only positive choices in the sense that unsafe choices or those with consequences that can’t be undone have already been deleted. Furthermore, you will be there to help the kids identify what they are learning from the choice and what they might want to do differently next time. This builds willpower.
Getting it right is not the point.
Rather, by taking time with the child to carefully think about each possibility, children can be increasingly confident of making the best choice they can–and move on.
The goal is the child’s growth in the ability to make a good choice based on careful evaluation of all the options.
Tweetable:
- When a child is confused about making an important choice, take a closer look at these 3 hindrances. Click to Tweet
- Here’s some practical guidance when a child procrastinates in making a decision. Click to Tweet
Jun 6, 2016 | Direction
3rd in a series about a valuable, simple tool for teaching kids decision-making. The tool is C.H.O.O.S.E. and today’s big idea is to know and follow moral principles. A kid’s morals become their treasure chest of wisdom and guidance.
A child’s treasure chest
A child’s treasures can include their most special toys, a ribbon or trophy won at a swim meet, photos of the most special people and times in their lives. Many of a child’s treasures wouldn’t bring very much money if sold, but they bring something much more valuable: reminders of the best parts of the child’s life. A child’s morals are treasures of great value.
Conversation Starter: A camping story for kids
Imagine you are in the woods camping with your family, having a great time. In fact, you are having so much fun you don’t realize you are wandering deeper and deeper into the woods. Suddenly, it’s dark and you realize you’re lost! Now it’s very dark and you can’t see anything! How do you feel? (scared, alone) After awhile, you look up and see a light coming toward you. You hear your dad calling your name! You go toward the light until you meet your parents, and all of you follow the path back to camp. Now how do you feel? (relieved, safe) You were safe because the light showed you where to go in the darkness!
Four ethical questions can be like a light to children when they’re making a decision:
- Will it hurt me or someone else? If your brainstorming list of options includes ones that will hurt you, cross them off. Same with an option to hurt someone else—hitting, telling lies about them, stealing their things. You can find other ways to deal with your decision.
- Is there something beyond my control? That’s a real important question, because many times the choice we want to make is not within our power. For example, if your parents are getting a divorce, your first choice would probably be to have them get back together. But that is a choice your parents must make and is completely beyond your control. As hard as it may be, you need to cross it off your list of choices.
- How does it feel inside? If a choice feels wrong, cross it off your list. Be careful, though. Some choices may feel uncomfortable, but deep down inside we know they are wise—like choosing to tell the truth instead of covering up with lie. That’s different from feeling uncomfortable because we know it’s wrong—like letting your friend talk you into shoplifting, or letting someone touch you in ways you don’t want to be touched.
- Who can help me choose? Keep a list of people you can talk to whenever you feel confused or just don’t know what to do. (Some kids may include prayer or religious teachings sources of help.)
(Linda Sibley designed the CHOOSE tool and she is excited I’m sharing it here.)
Tweetable:
- A child’s morals are treasures of great value, especially when used to make decisions. Read more. Click to Tweet
- 4 moral questions kids can use when making a difficult choice. Read more. Click to Tweet
May 31, 2016 | Direction
When’s the last time you heard a child say: I had to do that. I didn’t have any choice! or She made me do it! or I’m bored… there’s nothing to do. or It wasn’t my fault… he started it! Sometimes kids find themselves in situations in which they think they just don’t have any choices.
It might not seem so at first, but kids always have choices.
That’s what step 2 in the CHOOSE tool is all about
Teach kids two important truths:
- There are always lots of choices for us.
- We may have to look hard to find them, especially when we can’t have our first choice.
Conversation starter — Try this example:
On Saturday morning, Gina’s mom told her she had to clean her room—right now, and no excuses! Gina was just getting ready to go outside to ride her bike. But now she has to clean her room. She doesn’t have any choice….right?
It’s true—Gina doesn’t have a choice about whether or not to clean her room. Mom was clear about that. But she still has choices. In fact, what Gina chooses to do next is very important. First ask: What are some of Gina’s choices? Let the child struggle to multiply options (and here are some possible responses you can drop in to help kickstart their thinking):
- She can mess around and try to avoid cleaning her room.
- She can try to sneak out of the house and ride her bike anyway.
- She can “Claim her problem” and get it done as quickly as possible so she can get on with what she really wants to do.
- What other choices can you think of? (after children exhaust their lists—help them add 2 more!)
- Can you see how the choice Gina makes will either help her or make things harder? (i.e. what are the consequences?)
Finding all our choices takes practice.
Most children (and adults) give up too soon, thinking we just don’t have any options, or we do the first thing that comes into our mind.
Brainstorming leads to empowerment.
It gives children the tools they need to protect themselves from being victimized or acting impulsively, especially in those situations in which we are not available to guide or protect them.
Growing up knowing, “I always, always have choices” is one of the most valuable gifts we can give children!
Tweetable: Many children give up too soon when brainstorming choices in any given situation. This could help. Click to Tweet
May 23, 2016 | Direction
C.H.O.O.S.E is the acrostic for a teaching tool we can use when equipping children to make wise choices. I learned it from my friend Linda Sibley, who is happy I’m sharing it through these posts.
- C = Claim the problem
- H = How many choices do I have?
- O = Own and use your moral compass
- O = One choice to try
- S = See it through
- E = Evaluate the results
Claim the Problem — Two important words to remember
- Claim the PROBLEM tells us life is full of problems we solve by deciding what to do about them. Some problems are easy and some are hard, but problems are just a part of life. Everyone has them.
- CLAIM the problem tells us the place to start is to face up to whatever problems come our way. Sometimes we don’t want to face something, so we pretend it is not there. We hope if we ignore it, it will just go away. Unfortunately, problems don’t “just go away” by themselves. Facing up to them (claiming) is the first step to resolving them.
Sounds easy, but some problems are harder to claim than others and we might feel afraid of them, like
- getting in trouble with mom or dad or your teacher
- losing a friend
- looking dumb in front of other people
It’s okay to be afraid when we have to claim a difficult problem. It’s not okay to make an unwise choice just because we’re scared. It’s okay to be scared to tell dad that you were the one who broke the window—who wouldn’t be scared to do that? But choosing to lie about it or blame someone else is not claiming your problem.
So what can a kid do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared?
You can remember that claiming your problem is always better than running away from it. And don’t forget to ask for help if you need it!
Conversation starters:
How do I know when I should ask for help with a problem I am facing? (when you feel scared, confused, or just want to talk)- Who can I ask for help? (Be sure every child has a list of at least 5 sources of help. Their lists could include, friends, relatives, counselors, teachers, coaches, clergy, etc.)
- Write a list:
- …Older children may have a personal device on which they have a “List” category. Guide them in entering names and phone numbers of those on their personal Helpers List.
- …Younger children will need help writing out names and numbers and deciding on a safe place to keep their list. The list for children who can’t read will be actual photos of trusted adults they can turn to for help.
- Keep a family Gratitude Journal in which you record instances when the family received help (including possibly God’s) when they faced a hard problem.
Tweetable: So what’s a kid to do when you have a problem to face up to and you’re scared? Some ideas here. Click to Tweet
May 16, 2016 | Direction
Will I get up now or hit the snooze button one more time (and probably be late for work)? Will I stop the kids from fighting now or wait until they draw blood? Will I take time to eat breakfast or eat a donut at coffee break (and feel guilty about the calories the rest of the day)? A friend just called to tell me my child beat up his child after school today. How will I deal with my child?
We all have our own way of dealing with choices.
Often our dilemma is how to make the “best” choice. How do I know something is not going to be a bad choice?
In this series we will discover a decision-making process we can use with the important children in our lives.
Through their small and weighty decisions, they will develop their own style. If the end result is their growth, we have done well.
Examples of growth results would be to….
- Learn something new that increases the child’s ability to advance the common good
- Heal relationships, bringing out greater cooperation and harmony
- Strengthen character traits like integrity or patience
Unwise choices are often the ones we end up wishing we hadn’t made.
We can think of examples of these choices in our lives, our political, religious, business leaders’ lives and our children’s lives. We tend to make these choices….
- for short-term pleasure
- to look out only for our own interests
- to relieve emotional pain or stress
- without thought for the consequences
With so many variables in our lives, making a good choice may seem, at times, an overwhelming task.
Maybe that’s why so many people try to turn to God for guidance: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
4 preparation questions for adults before we guide children
Before we begin guiding children, we can first take a deeper look at our own decision-making processes. Use the questions below to think through your own personal history.
- Which of the following best represents your decision-making style at the present time? Impulsive, logical, avoidance, emotional, imagining the worst, victim of circumstances/people, others:_______, _______.
- What decision can you remember making as a child that changed the course of your life?
- As an adult, what’s a decision you made that hurt you? Helped you? Greatly affected someone else?
- Describe a decision you are facing today that is of concern to you.
Stay tuned for the rest of this series as we look at how to teach children good decision-making processes, one part at a time.
(My friend Linda Sibley designed the CHOOSE tool and she is excited I’m sharing it here. This entry is part of a series.)
Tweetable:
- Unwise choices are often the ones we end up wishing we hadn’t made. Guide kids toward better choices. Click to Tweet
- Do you know kids who have trouble making decisions? Good, wise decisions? Break it down for them here. Click to Tweet
