Apr 6, 2015 | Security
Many people have chapters of their life that they may be hesitant to tell their children about. Ask yourself 5 questions as you weigh the pros and cons.
Is my child very likely to hear about my past from another source?
When I was in middle school, my friend learned of her father’s affairs and pending divorce by overhearing adults talking at a family gathering. If family members, friends or neighbors know about your past, there is a good chance your child will eventually hear about it too. Is it important that they hear it from you?
Is there an uncomfortable secrecy in your family?
Not sharing such experiences can lead to an uncomfortable secrecy in some families. Obviously, what you share, how many details you give, and when you disclose them will be age and situation appropriate. Will your children feel empowered within your family from knowing what the others know? Will the initial upset they feel upon hearing it be less than the damaging effects of hiding secrets?
Am I clear about my motives for doing this?
- Children respect parents who are honest with them, but you have the right to your privacy. If you don’t want to reopen old wounds, don’t feel obligated to do so. Will you be sharing from a place of free choice, self-imposed pressure, or outward compulsion?
- David Sheff, comments on a parent’s common motivation for sharing about a past drug addiction:
Parents’ hands are tied. If you lie, you put your entire relationship on the line, risk being caught in a lie and ruin any trust you’ve built over the many years of parenting.
But if you come clean, you run the risk of showing your kid that it’s fine to try anything because, hey, you’re still here to talk about it.
Either way, “It’s not going to determine whether your kid uses or not,” says Sheff. “The reason kids are going to use or not use has almost nothing to do with what their parents say.”
Sheff continues, “It has to do with the relationship you have with your kids, and how open are they going to be with you,” he notes, “and how involved in their lives you are to perceive the struggles they’re having below the surface.”
Have I made peace with myself [and my God] about my actions?
“There are shameful things that parents feel, and they have to come to terms with that first,” says Eileen Bond, supervising faculty at the University of Michigan Center for Child and Family and a clinical social worker.“Shame should not contaminate their response. And that requires reflection.”
When making peace with past experiences, many people turn to a counselor, clergy person, chaplain, support group, or spiritual director. What are your resources for reflecting and processing toward a place of greater peace before discussing it with your children?
Is my child judging and criticizing others?
An anonymous mother says: My 12-year-old daughter had been flipping through television channels when she stopped on a talk show about women who’d had abortions. “Those women must be awful,” my daughter said scornfully. “How could anyone kill a baby like that?”
At that moment, I knew that I wanted to tell my daughter about my own past. I offered a silent prayer, then burst into my story.
“Those women aren’t necessarily awful,” I began. “Sometimes they’re simply trapped. I had an abortion when I was a teenager. I was young and scared, and I thought abortion was my only option. Eventually I met and married your awesome dad, and we were blessed to have you.”
My daughter was crushed. “She cried like a baby about my past. I felt terrible, but I knew I was right to tell her and I believe she won’t go on being judgmental toward women who’ve had abortions.”
Older children are insightful enough to know you have things you aren’t proud of. How will your honesty make you more believable and approachable? What will be the reward for self-disclosure?
Tweetable: Five questions help parents weigh pros and cons of whether to share your old life with your children. Click to Tweet
Feb 16, 2015 | trust
No. God keeps loving you the same whether you make a wrong choice or a right one.*
But God often provides a consequence.
It might come through your teacher, or from your conscience and you feel miserable the rest of the day, maybe have trouble sleeping that night.
God loves you but God is not pleased with hateful, lying, mean behavior.
Consequences are an important way God expresses love to you.
Sometimes consequences from bad behavior leave you feeling guilty, embarrassed or mad.- You might lose a friend.
- Occasionally you have to find jobs to do in order to earn money to pay for damage done.
- Your family can start to doubt you and act suspicious of you for a long time when your words or actions break their trust.
God hopes you will choose wisely next time because he wants a good life for you, a life of love.
God is for you, not against you. He knows that a good life comes when you live by God’s rules.
Consequences from good behavior give you a happy feeling.
Often you feel that God is pleased with you and proud of you. In fact, one great way to let God know you love him — follow his rules of life.
Many people say that he had people write them down and put them in a book. Different religions have different books: The Torah, The Bible, The Koran. For the most part, these different books will have similar teachings about right and wrong — no lying, stealing or killing. And treat others the way you want to be treated.
You might have a book like this at your house.
For sure you can find one on the computer. Ask an adult you trust. They may have a children’s version of the book and they can help you find some of those rules.
Tweetable: Consequences, not punishment, is how many people prefer to explain God’s response to wrongdoing. Click to Tweet
Feb 9, 2015 | Security
Sifu Ed Monaghan, martial artist and UCLA Professor, had been talking about the value of meditation to his class of 13-16 year olds at Ekata Training Center.
I asked the kids, “Have you ever seen anyone on a boat when it’s windy?” All had seen boats rocking on the water. I asked, “Can you see things on the surface of the ocean – like boats, oil rigs, birds, etc.?” They replied in the affirmative.
Then I asked if they ever saw “Shark Week” on TV? Most of them had. I said, “Is there a lot of life and action under water that we can’t see from the surface?” Again they agreed.
I said, “The ocean is like our minds. The waves are like our thoughts jostling us around. We see and are very concerned with the stuff that we can see on the surface, but there is so much more underneath. When we meditate, we learn to calm the waves and look below the surface. Our mind is like a drop of water, and the ocean is like universal consciousness. Our mind is a part of that consciousness just like the drop of water is a part of the ocean. They are inseparable. But we need meditation to help us see beyond the surface.”
Eastern tradition unites with Western tradition in understanding that there is inner life below the surface of what we see with our physical eyes.
Children seek a firm footing in this inner life and they enter into it differently.
- One 6-year-old girl says, “Mindfulness has been my favorite thing in my whole life…when I’m mad, sad or frustrated.”
- A man told me that he remembers weeding in his front yard and talking to Jesus: “I’ve heard about you–that you’re good–and I want you to be part of my life.”
- Thinking back on her childhood, a woman states, “I always had a clear sense that God is there. Sometimes he seemed distant or like he doesn’t like me, but I’ve always felt that he was there watching.”
When we notice signs of their interest, and enter their world with them, most children are grateful for our attention to their inner life.
Tweetable: An idea for how to discuss the personal yet universal colors and shadings of a child’s inner life? Click to Tweet
Jan 5, 2015 | Nurture
One man remembers doing something wrong when he was young, and having his parents feel bad and embarrassed about it. They were essentially taking responsibility for his actions. They felt that their son’s wrongdoing reflected on them.
Do you see how this response displaces the guilt?
It becomes all about how the parents look instead of about what the child is learning. This type of negative reinforcement encourages the child to hide his future wrongdoings, so as to not bring shame on his parents.
Conversely, a child of a different temperament might respond differently
In this same situation, she might act out and misbehave in an active attempt to bring shame to her parents. She might also develop a pattern of placing the blame for her own actions onto others: “It’s the teacher’s fault I failed.” “My friends made me do it.”
Instead, put the responsibility back on the child
“Wow, yes, that is messed up! How are you going to fix that?”
And then listen to their response with real curiosity, because it is ultimately up to them to try to make things right. No one else can fix it for them.
When you feel responsible for your kids’ actions, something is wrong.
Granted, we are responsible to teach and model right behavior for them. But when they mess up, it’s up to them to take responsibility for their actions, not us. Yes, someone might think we are bad parents. But it’s better for the long-term development of the child.
Tweetable: When you feel responsible for your kids’ actions, something is wrong. Find a different perspective here. Click to Tweet
Dec 29, 2014 | Nourishment
“Morality is not just something that people learn, it is something we are all born with,” wrote Gareth Cook in his recent interview with Yale psychologist Paul Bloom in an issue of Scientific American (Nov 12, 2013) (italics mine).
The interview with Bloom continues:
“At birth, babies are endowed with compassion, with empathy, with the beginning of a sense of fairness.
The sort of research that I’ve been involved with personally, looking at the origins of moral judgment, is difficult to do with very young babies. But we have found that even 3-month-olds respond differently to a character who helps another than to a character who hinders another person.”
This kind of research supports the core of child-centered spirituality–
… that conscience, morals, character are in them already. That the way to develop children’s spirit is found in opening yourself up to their world, in asking them questions and answering theirs, in listening.
It is universal, but we still avoid the topic
Think about the last time you were in a discussion with people of diverse spiritual perspectives about how your child’s human spirit is developing. I’m guessing it wasn’t anytime recently at a play group, team barbeque, or playground bench.
Do we want to normalize it?
In light of the research, this topic is of more importance to children than many of us realize. I wonder if it would be in the best interest of the child to attempt to normalize the topic by talking more opening about cultivating our child’s spirit. For example, asking other parents to give you recommendations for some picture books their child likes with spiritual themes of forgiveness, equality or sharing. Or swapping stories of family spiritual experiences such as visiting an elderly friend or taking a nature walk.
What would it look like if you did that?
Would open interaction point us toward a framework that helps us understand ourselves and others and our place in the world?
Tweetable: At birth, babies are endowed with compassion, with empathy, with the beginning of a sense of fairness. Click to Tweet
