Jul 16, 2018 | Attachment
It hit me like a bolt of lightning as I was preparing a workshop that I presented at a national children’s spirituality summit last month. (My topic was spiritual learning styles and how a child most naturally connects with God.) God is a primary caregiver and attachment theory applies to a human being’s relationship with God, not only to our human relationships.
Others have the same perspective.
For example, Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, discovered:
“Of course I can have a true attachment relationship with God even though God cannot be seen. My sister, after all, had been unseen by me for more than a year now, yet I still had a relationship with her that met the attachment criteria…. I continue to keep her close (proximity) with photos and other objects, and by talking to her. And our love continues to strengthen me (secure love) and comfort me in times of stress (safe haven). My love for Jane and hers for me survives her death, as does our attachment relationship.”
We are born to connect.
Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester, writes: “Attachment theory always captivates students. When I lecture about attachment theory, even the most distracted student soon starts to pay attention.”
In my experience, if the subject of a relationship with God has come up in conversations I’ve had, everyone has admitted, “If it were possible, I would want to know God personally.” Kids are no different. Most of us want to feel attached to God.
How can I help a child strengthen his or her attachment bond with God?
All of these previous blog posts give a description of different styles children use while bonding to God, with practical ideas and conversation starters. This is so valuable to a child’s continued growth in faith.
“Attachment theory’s observations are at once wise, astute, and intensely personal–it’s hard to listen to an account of attachment theory without thinking, “Yes, that’s it!” (Professor Harry Reis)
Tweetable: Is your child asking about God or interested in knowing about God? Or maybe your kids resist going to religious services? Be sure you know the child’s natural way to connect with God. It’s almost certainly not the same as yours. Click to Tweet
Apr 23, 2018 | Nourishment
Decompress …. Have some fun teaching kids this all-important life skill.
1. Finger-counting breaths
“A do-anywhere exercise. Create gentle fists with your hands, and with each breath, unfurl a finger from your palm. For example, on your first exhale open your left thumb from your fist. Pause and enjoy an inhale. On your next exhale, unfurl your left index finger. Pause and enjoy an inhale. Continue until you have two open palms on your lap.” Jillian Pransky
2. Attitude-changing breaths
Change the exercise in #1 to include a word(s) as the child breaths and unfurls each finger— like peace, quiet, I’m safe, God is with me.
3. Nature walk
Get out of the house for a 15-minute walk with children. Add more calm by asking the kids to point out natural wonders as they walk.
4. 
Legs up the wall
Children find a space along the wall where they can lie down. Begin by sitting upright along the wall with one hip touching the wall and legs extended out in front of them, parallel to the wall. Slowly lie back onto the ground/floor as their torso moves to allow legs to swing up the wall with feet pressed flat into the air, as if they were standing on the ground. Close their eyes, breathe naturally and listen to their breathing. Hold for 5 minutes.
5. Shake It Off
Find a fast, upbeat song to play. Tell children that when they hear the music, they should shake their bodies (for 30 seconds) as much as possible—legs, arms, torso, feet, hands, everything! Tell children that when the music stops, they will clap their hands as loudly as possible, three times. On the third clap, they will leave their hands together and bring them to their heart, close their eyes, take three big inhales and exhales.
6. Pray
Choose a prayer and pray it slowly. Here’s a sample: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8
Tweetable: Have some fun teaching children six exercises to decompress when they feel overwhelmed or stressed. Click to Tweet
Apr 9, 2018 | Attachment
“We don’t ask each other questions. Instead, we speak—sometimes tweet—statements at each other.”*
What response do we get when we assert our own ideas before we attempt to understand the other person? What tone does this set in our family relationships and in social settings? Can children show us a better way?
Reminder #1: Questions form a bond
Haven’t we all answered a 3-year-old’s question, only to be asked and answered again—and again—and again? Finally it dawns on us that the child is bonding with us. The give-and-take of her Q &A session produces dialogue and dialogue forms bonds.
Reminder #2: Questions lead to self-awareness
I find that the “Would you rather…” questions work best with most kids. I get blank stares with general questions. For example, “Would you rather take piano lessons or painting lessons?” works better than, “What kind of lessons do you want to take?” in finding out how we can develop their innate talents.
Reminder #3: Questions strengthen critical thinking skills
Ellen Galinsky, author of Mind in the Making, suggests these questions: “What ideas do you have?” and “What do you think is happening here?” Respect responses whether you view them as correct or not. You could say, “That is interesting. Tell me why you think that.” Use phrases like “I am interested to hear your thinking about this.” “How would you solve this problem?”
Ask God questions
Children relate well to God when they form an image of a personal God, one who loves them, cares about them and knows them by name. I like to say “Let’s ask God about that and see how God answers us.” I do this with confidence because years ago I added question-asking to my own relationship with God. I began to hear the world around me with new ears and to see my environment with new eyes.
Through nonverbal cues and just plain acting out, kids remind us to ask them questions and provide them with choices.
“It’s hard, because we live in a world that is perfectly comfortable with making statements. And perfectly uncomfortable asking questions.”– Douglas Estes, assistant professor at South University Columbia, SC
*Douglas Estes
Tweetable: Kids can keep us from working so hard to get our point across because they respond so positively when, instead, we ask questions and offer choices. A good practice with peers too. Click to Tweet
Mar 26, 2018 | Security
If children are hearing news reports of recent national and international events, some of them want to talk about feeling upset by the anger and tension they sense between opposing groups.
Pediatricians, child psychologists and others make available solid advice to guide us through these conversations. We offer additional ideas if you choose to bring in the moral dimension.
Sometimes groups of people are mad at each other because…
- They perceive that something is not right and, without moral concern, the world would be a dreadful place indeed.
- They perceive that nothing is being done about the wrong. An important purpose for anger is to motivate us to take constructive action.
- People are insensitive to their opinions and beliefs. Their most important opinions or beliefs are being shouted down or ignored. They’re afraid that harm is going to come to them and those they care about.
- They cannot make other people change and they feel like they don’t have the power, energy or force to produce any effect or change.
- What other reasons can you add to this list?
Know when to stand firm for your beliefs.
At times, people need to take a stand and do it publicly. They are ready to do this when they’ve learned how to remain composed when others do not share their convictions. Otherwise their public demonstrations can become belligerent and bitter and onlookers lose the message they intended to convey.
Being right can lead to being wrong.
It is possible to be so filled with good opinions that those opinions seem to justify unloving outbursts and actions. People become judgmental and rage, taking revenge, picking up weapons, or any other number of harmful acts.
Speak up with love
- Hold firmly to your convictions while refusing to enter a power struggle. True assertiveness is anchored in the positive message you want to communicate, not in what’s wrong with the other group’s viewpoint.
- Find balance when your anger is linked to a reasonable issue and you communicate it responsibly.
- Aha! Parenting reminds us that “In a democracy, through a long and respectable history of peaceful protest and civil disobedience, change was created in the face of entrenched power structures.”
Tweetable: Ideas for responding to kids who are unsettled by their perception that people are so mad at each other lately. Click to Tweet
Mar 19, 2018 | Security
“My biggest fear used to be of heights. I never went on roller coasters. I was deathly afraid of ski lifts… I’m still afraid of heights. But this is no longer my biggest fear. For a year or two in high school, I guiltily admit that the zombie apocalypse was my biggest fear….As a college student, my biggest fear is a school shooting.” –Jennifer Jaklevic
Jennifer echos many students’ fears.
If a student looks to you for comfort, consider whether some of Molly Wigand’s ideas could be adapted in your conversation, along with the ideas from last week’s post.
Spiritual Tool: Communication with God
God is the only one who understands everything you feel. Talk to God about your fears and in return you will receive peace of mind. That peace can guard your mind and heart from excessive worry. Return to God time and time again. God enjoys you and every conversation the two of you have.
“Since nobody really knows what death is like, a caring adult might want to introduce the idea of ‘heaven’ to the child,” suggests author Molly Wigand. “Many people believe death is the beginning of a brand-new life in a beautiful place called heaven.” One mom, whose 7-year-old boy prayed and asked God to show him about heaven, reports that when he woke up the next morning he told her he dreamed about heaven and he’s no longer afraid to go there.
Spiritual Tool: Communication with yourself and others
“You can learn to face your fears and worries by talking to yourself. Tell yourself that you can handle it, and you will.” Molly continues, “Teens can think about some of the fears they had when they were younger and feel proud for getting over those fears.”
Use your creativity to face your fears. Fears may look and feel less scary when a child puts them on paper. If teens fear a school shooting, they can use creative expression to depict the shooting scene, placing themselves in it and in safety.
Find a relaxing place
Make a special place (in your bedroom, yard, etc.) to relax your mind and body. Do your breathing and feel yourself calming down. Imagine your favorite people all around you Imagine God protecting you with an umbrella of love.insert link
Talk with a trusted friend, parent or other adult. Sometimes when you realize you’re surrounded by others with similar feelings, your fears fade away. Ask them how they handle their fears. You might pick up a new tool to try.”
“Guide [young people] through the uncertainties of these complicated times and empower them to find courage and face their fears.” –Molly Wigand
Click to Tweet: Among the many spiritual resources available to kids is communication with God, others and one’s self. Here are specific ideas to adapt as conversation starters with children. Click to Tweet
