Mar 12, 2018 | trust
“Even more desirable than being able to die peacefully is being able to live fearlessly.”—Dr. Alex Lickerman. Fear, worry and anxiety are so complex in their origins and in the ways each of us manages these emotions best for ourselves. But as adults, we can adapt and offer two spiritual tools to kids that may be helpful for them in managing their fear of death: 1) loving reassurance, 2) communication with God, others and self. In today’s post, we look at the first of these tools.
Spiritual Tool #1: Loving reassurance of God’s protection from fearing death
In Part 1 of the discussion about children’s fears of dying, we discussed that there are no guarantees of being protected from harm. Bad things happen to good people. But God does offer children protection from fearing death.
Healthy fear protects children
Part of God’s protection is seen in the presence of healthy fear—fear that produces brain chemicals like adrenaline to propel the child out of harm’s way.
Love dispels fear
Another side of God’s protection from fearing death is found in the child’s confidence that God’s love is there and love dispels unhealthy fear. “How they choose to perceive a threatening event dictates their response to the situation,” observes Becky Bailey.
Kids might relate to this word picture—God’s love is like an umbrella that can protect them from fear. Using this spiritual tool can allow children to still see the world as a beautiful place, a friendly place. They can think about how their family loves them and God loves then. “Love is the very best thing for making fears and worries go away,” Molly Wigand says.
When love increases, healthy thinking, good judgment and peace of mind all improve.
Children who trust in God may find themselves able to live fearlessly, even through the valley of the shadow of death.
Next week: Spiritual Tool #2 — Communication with God, others and self
Tweetable: When children look for reassurance as they face of their fears and worries, spiritual resources can play an important role, in addition to emotional and psychological helps. Here’s one such spiritual resource. Click to Tweet
Feb 12, 2018 | Direction
Today’s challenge is prompted by a reader’s feedback about my new book, Child-Centered Spirituality. He wrote, “While I was reading some of the pointers, affirmations and discussion questions for parents to use with their kids – I was struck by the fact that I really needed to ask forgiveness from a friend I had recently said some harsh things to. A passage in the book poked me in the eye. I did the deed of contrition – and got an instant reply of thanks and ‘reconciliation.’ All those questions we should be posing to children, we should be posing to ourselves too. So your book operated on another level for me – Thank you!”
Questions as a gateway into our own spiritual life
What questions does he mean? Questions that make kids think. Those uncovering our need for a searching and fearless moral inventory–questions that poke in the eye. Discovery questions for kids who know there’s a better way. Those leading to reflection. Regular self-reflection can become a key to talk more openly and naturally with the children in your life.
Start by journaling your responses to these questions, suggested by Larissa Marks
- In a few words or phrases, describe how you are presently doing.
- How have you experienced the divine lately?
- What has been life-giving? What has been life-draining?
- What things are presently occupying your mind and heart?
Then by all means, engage some people you trust in conversation around these matters. It can be a spiritual director, a trusted friend, or someone whose spiritual journey you respect. Being able to talk with others is critical. Engaging with others in a safe environment can be a surprisingly healing experience. After all, none of us is really in this alone. We all need others along the road with us as we travel.
Tweetable: Once in a while, sprinkle thought questions into your car conversations with kids. Questions about the bigger meaning of life or its big picture. Click to Tweet
Feb 5, 2018 | Nurture
To a culture increasingly entertained (or disgusted) by its own superficiality, the role of grandparents as spiritual guides seems like a good use of one’s later years. Who better to draw young family members into deeper life issues than their most credible, experienced elders?
Grandparents can find simple guidelines from Rabbi Edythe Mencher. I’m quoting her, but personalizing it for grandparents. She writes, “The earlier we facilitate [a child’s spirituality] the better prepared the child will be, now and in later life, to turn to God for assurance, comfort and understanding.”
Tip: Confront your own misgivings. You don’t have to resolve all your doubts in order to talk to your grandchildren about God.
Each of us can come to a unique knowledge of God just as our ancestors did. It’s the struggle to find God that counts and we should not shy from it.
God is the lover of the human race… our aim is to emphasize that the relationship between God and God’s creations is one of love. More important than the love of God is the child’s awareness of it.
Tip: Learn to interpret questions your grandchild asks about God before replying or changing the subject.
Don’t impose pat answers. Allow children to take their own journey of discovery by expressing their ideas freely. Make sure you are listening carefully to their questions– they may not be asking what you initially think they are asking, and it’s important not to answer what they’re not asking. They’ll feel missed in the conversation. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
Tip: Share your own wonderings about God and the universe.
Include God in everyday play activities. Acknowledge God’s place in our day by day reality. One way to do this is to notice when a person’s conduct resembles God’s action as it is manifested in the world and in life. Human beings are [created in God’s image]….They are godlike when they act with decency and compassion or when they… still forgive the flaws of humanity.
Tip: Help your grandchild develop trust through your loving care, supported by your faith.
The biblical term for faith designates an attitude of trust between humanity and God. To have faith… is to “entrust” oneself to God and to feel secure in this trust. The believer, as Shalom Ben Chorin put it, ‘does not believe in God; he or she believes God…’ expressing trust that the living God is near us….”
See Rabbi Mencher’s complete article here.
Tweetable: #Grandparents! Convincing a culture increasingly entertained (or disgusted) by its own superficiality that your grandchildren’s belief in God should matter to them seems like a good use of one’s later life. Interested doing this better? Click to Tweet
Jan 15, 2018 | Direction
A friend of mine told me how he stepped up his grandparenting last January. He said, “I began writing a weekly letter to my grandkids (five live in Australia and two live in California). My main purpose is to tell them that I love them. I also share something about how God shows up in my everyday life, as well as to share about me and my family. I don’t get much time with the grandkids in Australia, so this is an opportunity to help them get to know their dad’s (my son’s) family.
He continued, “I share this with you because I’m convinced that I am to have a three or four generation perspective. I’m also convinced in my heart that if I don’t do this, no one will do it in quite the same way I am. Helping these young grandkids know that I love them and that I love God is imperative.”
Grandparenting through farming
George Hendry is a farmer in Napa Valley, CA. He has been farming the same vineyard since 1939. He spoke with me recently about his approach to bringing the younger generations into the family business. Notice the similarity to spiritual development. “I tell my grandchildren that farming is hard work. It’s not just a 40-hour a week job. It requires quite a commitment. Only go into it if that’s truly what you want to do. It’s okay if you don’t want to, but know what you’re getting into.
“The 3rd generation is on board and committed. It is yet to be determined what the 4th generation will do because they are still so little. I spotted some in the 2nd generation who were interested, and some who were not. It depends on their motivation. You have to really love farming and cooperate with what nature delivers to you. Don’t try to force things.” Mr. Hendry implied that relative to grandchildren, it’s the same principle: Let them discover who they are and what they are motivated to do.
These are two grandparents with a view toward legacy and destiny who continue to make an impact on their families.
Tweetable: Grandparenting with an eye toward the 3rd and 4th generations through two men’s personal stories. Read more here. Click to Tweet
Jan 8, 2018 | trust
My rewards for almost ten years spent as an anger management instructor: I unlearned some destructive habits and learned new, healthier ways to express my own anger. All of this was taking place while I was teaching others about their anger! Funny how that works. The same thing is true as we teach and guide the children in our lives: sometimes we learn as much as they do.
An idea that changed my whole outlook
One particular insight, found in The Anger Workbook, catalyzed my paradigm shift:
My most important lesson — Anger is the emotion of self-preservation, given to us by God.
As a child I thought my parents were teaching me to get rid of anger, so I grew up suppressing it: “Who me? Angry?” So it was hard to accept that anger might serve an important purpose. Much later in life, through the testimonials of my adult students, I saw that they got angry most often when they were ignored or mistreated. It was part of their defense system.
Doing some self-reflection, I owned the fact that I hated when my personal boundaries were violated. Slowly I admitted that anger could be a way to preserve my personal worth, basic needs and basic beliefs.
Anger is designed to protect me!
As I began to own more and more of my angry feelings whenever I felt demeaned or disrespected, I was on my way to greater emotional health. Now I can honestly say:
- When my personal worth is not validated, I feel angry.
- If I make known my needs and they are ignored, I feel hurt.
- At times when I take an unwavering stand for my convictions (sometimes publicly, sometimes just in my most cherished relationships) and I speak up about them and I am misunderstood, I feel resentful.
It’s all about what I do next after my anger flares up.
I’m still learning that it’s my choice how I will react to my anger. Will I do a passive-aggressive maneuver as I have in the past? Will I take the easy way and suppress it?
Or maybe I will talk about what’s bothering me, but do it considering the needs and feelings of the other person. I was shocked to find that this approach actually helps my relationships grow.
Tweetable: Anger is the emotion of self-preservation but it matters–a lot–what we do next after it flares up. Click to Tweet
My new book, Child-centered Spirituality: Helping children develop their own spirituality, is now available on Amazon!
Where did Grandma go when she died?
Why doesn’t God stop bad things from happening?
Many parents have experienced a child asking difficult spiritual questions– usually at inopportune moments. While we stumble around trying to think of an answer, we feel inadequate… and sometimes startled by their questions. If you’re like most adults, you try your hardest to avoid thinking much about questions like these. So why on earth is a child asking you about them?
We talk with our children about the importance of school work, about physical health, about how to navigate social difficulties. We even talk with them about sex, drugs, and internet safety… or if we don’t, we know we should.
So why do we find it so difficult to talk with children about God?
Whether you are a parent, grandparent, teacher, foster parent, or other caregiver, this is a book to help you engage with the children in your life about their spiritual needs.
Purchase your copy in paperback here.
If you prefer the Kindle version, you can purchase it here.
